BRM Reviews the 8/30/2016 Smackdown

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING BIT- terrible.
First they replay the Miz-Bryan incident from Talking Smack. Then they show us that Bryan and Shane have been watching it, and Shane lectures Bryan, telling him that “you can’t provoke the talent like that.” Because it’s not like we’ve seen a million similar stories over the years with everyone from Vince to Steph to Heyman to Teddy Long to Mick Foley doing it. But when Daniel Bryan does it, that’s bad and worthy of a lecture. Bryan then admits that Shane was right, but essentially calls him a hypocrite because he “has beef with Brock Lesnar,” as if Bryan is too dense to realize that these two situations are in no way analogous. Shane went out there to try to protect Randy Orton, not to antagonize Lesnar. If he were trying to do the latter, he would have grabbed a mic and said “Hey, Bitch Lesnar! You don’t look so tough without your steroids!” or something like that.

MIZ PROMO- he MARCHES out of the ring and demands his music be cut. Instead of being right there with him, Maryse is multiple steps behind him, hurrying to catch up because he is walking so fast and with such purpose. Then Miz cut a FANTASTIC promo that ended with him talking about people who gets lots of opportunities and fail… and then Dolph Ziggler came out and cut a promo on Miz that, while good, feels like the sort of thing that the Dolph Ziggler of three months ago would say, which isn’t a good thing when he has just gone through this storyline that feels like it was supposed to be transformative.
Dolph challenged Miz to a fight. They teased it but Miz walked off. Dolph called him a coward again and it looked like he would come back to fight but Maryse talked him out of it.

VAUDEVILLAINS PROMO- Simon Gotch actually came off as dangerous and scary for the first time, so that’s good.

SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM TITLE TOURNAMENT QUARTERFINAL MATCH: The Vaudevillains vs. Hype Bros.- 2/10, but great for the time it got (2:50 according to Cagematch.net).

HYPE BROS. PROMO- these are such fantastic cartoon characters. I LOVE it!

So we finally get brackets, and oh look there’s the Headbangers name, with no big deal being made about them, as if they’ve been on the roster the whole time.

AJ STYLES & APOLLO CREWS BACKSTAGE- just wearing that headband makes AJ feel like a goofy John Cena parody.

AJ STYLES PROMO- Cena parody indeed. He was quickly interrupted by Apollo Crews, who said that he went to Daniel Bryan and got them booked in a match for right now.

AJ STYLES vs. APOLLO CREWS- 5/10
It took me a few moments to realize that this is AJ Styles vs. Uhaa Nation, and I really should be more excited for this. That shows you just how badly Crews has been booked on the main roster. And speaking of that, this match only went eight minutes, with Crews never seeming like he had anything resembling an outside chance of winning.

RENEE YOUNG GOES TO HEATH SALTER’S HOME- sh*t.
Rhyno is there, just being weird. His wife is overly amorous. They serve Cheese Whiz and crackers, but of course they have to black out the name of the brand, which always looks lame. At least TNA TRIED to make to it look like something else by putting some fancy patterns on the tape over the Jack Daniels logo. Rhyno amused himself by using the radioactive cheese substitute to drawing a frowning face on the cracker. Heath’s wife burped and didn’t excuse herself because uncultured, LOL. That is what passes for comedy in WWE. Someone burping in public and not caring. That and the fact that Heath is poor and lives in a trailer park. Because that’s apparently supposed to be funny.
Renee asks mostly sh*tty questions. The only good one she asked was asking Rhyno why he decided to team up with Heath, to which he responded with a shrug. You’d think that with all of the doubts that have been cast on Heath’s claims about his children and his pool, Renee would be asking about those, but nope. Way to not do your job, Renee. At best this was a stupid waste of time. At worst, it was offensive and makes the company look bad.

BRAY WYATT’S “SERMON FOR THE SERPENT”- words.
He starts off by saying “when I think about the legend of Randy Orton, I don’t think of him as being some kind of mythological serpent.” Does anyone think of Randy like this? He continued to say stuff until Randy Orton came out, showing no fear of this supposedly scary heel. Randy also said words, so we’re getting a match at Backlash.
Then Randy said he wanted to fight and got into the ring… and then Bray used his magic to apparently just end the segment, because as Randy slid into the ring, we got that brief flash of Bray on the screen, then a cut to black, and then a graphic loaded up for a match pitting Alexa Bliss! and Nattie against Naomi and Becky, with no resolution whatsoever to the segment in the ring.

ALEXA BLISS! & NATALAYA vs. BECKY LYNCH & NAOMI- 2/10
Nikki Bella is on commentary because I guess the only place they can fit her feud with Carmella into the show is during the other women’s match. Also, apparently Carmella also jumped her on Talking Smack last week, because I guess doing that angle with these two one time last Tuesday wasn’t enough. The fact that this is its own little feud makes it feel separate from the build to the title match, which will make it weird when they rejoin Nattie, Alexa, Becky, and Naomi for the title match. Naomi’s glowing gear has changed up a bit and now it’s totally awesome. Not only does this outfit have cooler patterns, but it’s not an eyesore in regular light. And, of course, in this match, Carmella jumped Nikki yet again. But Alexa Bliss! pinned Becky (via roll-up) so I’m fine with it. I’ll assume that the crowd cheering for Alexa’s victory and not for Carmella. Nattie and Naomi look like they could have pretty good singles match together if given time.

HEADBANGERS VIDEO PACKAGE- this did a good job of making these guys look like bigger deals than they were.

SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM TITLE TOURNAMENT QUARTERFINAL MATCH: The Headbangers vs. Heath Slater & Rhyno- 3/10
Because I guess the Godwinns and the Smoking Gunns weren’t available.
The Headbangers actually didn’t look bad here. They beat Heath up the whole match. Rhyno had to save Heath and drag him to their corner for the tag. Rhyno then won the match for the team in about thirty seconds. Again… what value does Heath Slater bring to Smackdown that Shane and Bryan are giving him so many chances to earn a contract?
Also, of note: Rhyno took one move the whole match. He got punched once. And he bled from it. Just an amusing observation. Anyway…

Dear Hype Bros.,
Smackdown is now live. That means that WWE can’t edit or re-tape it if something were to go wrong (if you know what I mean). Be our heroes, Hype Bros.! Save us from Heath Slater. The power is in your hands!

Sincerely, hopefully, imploringly, DESPERATELY yours,
Big Red Machine.


GARY “THE MILKMAN” MILLMAN PROMO- he apparently has a “license to compete,” and demands to face an opponent. He then starts stripping down to his tighty-whities… because obviously you can’t complete in a suit and tie… which just brings up the question of why this guy calling himself “the Milkman” isn’t wearing a milkman’s uniform.

KANE!
Looks like Gary’s “license to compete” is going to also wind up being Kane’s license to kill.
Mauro tells us that “the Big Red Machine” is making his way to the ring… and immediately we got a graphic telling us that Kane’s nicknames were “the Big Red Monster” and “the Devil’s Favorite Demon.”
As soon as Gary saw Kane coming, he started trying to get dressed again so he could run. That made me laugh. Kane chokeslammed him and then walked to the back, but on Kane’s way to the back, Baron Corbin made his entrance for the main event and they crossed paths on the ramp, so I guess that will be happening soon.

DEAN AMBROSE vs. BARON CORBIN- 6.5/10
AJ Styles is on commentary for the purposes of ruining this match to create a DQ. Then Dean not only beat AJ up, but pretty much embarrassed him. That’s the opposite of how to build up to a world title match.

A meh episode of Smackdown with a terrible ending.

[NWK2000]

Wasn't the reason why Shane came back because he didn't like the way Stephanie, HHH, and Vince ran the show, which, as you said, has literally been about them provoking talent? With that said that makes sense for Shane to have that stance, at least in my mind whilst reading this?

[Big Red Machine]

Wasn't the reason why Shane came back because he didn't like the way Stephanie, HHH, and Vince ran the show, which, as you said, has literally been about them provoking talent? With that said that makes sense for Shane to have that stance, at least in my mind whilst reading this?

Fair point about Shane. The main issue, though, is that this segment seems designed to make Bryan look bad.

[NWK2000]

Wasn't the reason why Shane came back because he didn't like the way Stephanie, HHH, and Vince ran the show, which, as you said, has literally been about them provoking talent? With that said that makes sense for Shane to have that stance, at least in my mind whilst reading this?

Fair point about Shane. The main issue, though, is that this segment seems designed to make Bryan look bad.

Well duh! What would happen if you didn't conduct yourself to your boss' standards at work? You would get pulled aside for a lecture.

[Big Red Machine]

Wasn't the reason why Shane came back because he didn't like the way Stephanie, HHH, and Vince ran the show, which, as you said, has literally been about them provoking talent? With that said that makes sense for Shane to have that stance, at least in my mind whilst reading this?

Fair point about Shane. The main issue, though, is that this segment seems designed to make Bryan look bad.

Well duh! What would happen if you didn't conduct yourself to your boss' standards at work? You would get pulled aside for a lecture.

I'm not saying it's illogical for Bryan to get lectured. I am questioning why they would write this segment in a way that makes Bryan look so bad. It's Bryan's response that bothers me, not Shane's lecture.