BRM Reviews the 8/16/2016 Smackdown (bad)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 8/16/2016 Smackdown (bad)

Post by Big Red Machine » Aug 17th, '16, 20:36

SHANE, ORTON, & BRYAN BACKSTAGE- Orton signs a contract to make the Brock match official. Bryan takes a random potshot at Raw. Does anyone else feel like Bryan and Shane constantly talking about how Smackdown is better while Steph and Foley completely ignore Raw makes them come off like jerks, the way it does whenever TNA tries to take shots at WWE?

HEATH SLATER SHOWS UP TO DELIVER A FRUIT BASKET-
Apparent the fruit basket was stolen from someone who is grieving. Even factoring in the fact that Heath has been appearing on both shows, more time has been spent since the draft on Heath Slater than has been spent on any of the following:
The Dudley Boys
Big Show
Kane
Apollo Crews (the #1 contender to the IC Title)
Alexa Bliss!
Neville
Sami Zayn (he’s had a lot of match-time but no stories whatsoever and no thought put into him)
Kalisto
Baron Corbin
The Usos
Naomi

That should make you angry.


We’re left with the tease that Heath will get YET ANOTHER chance to earn a contract by facing Randy Orton tonight in a match we all know he won’t win, so it’s going to be a complete and total waste of time.

MIZ TV WITH SPECIAL GUESTS DEAN AMBROSE & DOLPH ZIGGLER- terrible
Douchebag Dean interrupts Miz and is a jerk for no reason. I laughed uproariously along with JBL when Ziggler interrupted Ambrose. From there, Dolph said nothing new while Dean was a cliché-spouting douchebag and Miz was just a regular douchebag. I spent most of the second half of this segment hoping that Dolph would just kick Ambrose in the nuts and walk away. Then Dean started spouting clichés and “grand speech” bullsh*t. Geez. His face is completely red just from cutting this promo.
Now he hits Dean with a surprise superkick, which didn’t look anywhere near as impactful as when HBK would do it, so Dean came off looking like a second-rate Shawn Michaels rip-off (his constant use of the WrestleMania XII “Superkick and then I’m so exhausted I fall on top of you for the pin” spot as a finisher doesn’t help, either).

APOLLO CREWS CONFRONTS THE MIZ DURING A COMMERCIAL- Well… we know someone in WWE saw this week’s ROH because they stole their dumb idea to do an entire segment during a commercial break. This should show you just how much of an afterthought this title match is. Crew assaulted Miz for making an Apollo Creed joke. That came off as a very big overreaction.

AMERICAN ALPHA, THE USOS, & THE HYPE BROS. vs. THE VAUDEVILLAINS, THE ASCENSION, & FA-BREEZE- 4/10
I can’t take credit for the Fa-Breeze name. I stole it from Lance Storm.
You know… at least when TNA randomly throws an entire division into a match, they have some bullsh*t reason like a #1 contendership match (even though the whole division has been portrayed as a bunch of losers). WWE is just throwing the whole division into one big match just because. As a result, they had a match was just kind of… there.
JBL tells us that the Usos “have taken offense to American Alpha saying they’re the top team on Smackdown.” Wow. Can you imagine if instead of last week’s waste of time schmoz, we had American Alpha cutting a promo in which they actually claimed to be the top team on Smackdown? And then this week, instead of this waste of time, the Usos won a match and then cut a promo claiming that they were the top team on Smackdown instead of American Alpha? And then Shane and Bryan signed a tag match for SummerSlam? Why if that had happened, you might wind up with something people actually give a sh*t about.

Just to make sure American Alpha gets over, we interrupt their victory celebration to show us Dean Ambrose pacing. Apparently he’s facing Erick Rowan next. Why wouldn’t this have just gotten a quick graphic, like the Eva Marie debut did? Oh. And for the record, both of these matches cannot possibly be “next” unless they are happening simultaneously.

NAOMI vs. EVA MAIRE- no rating.
This Naomi raver entrance hurts my eyes. Even when the lights are on. Te match doesn’t happen because Eva got stuck in traffic.

AJ & DEL RIO BACKSTAGE- kind of pointless.

CURT HAWKINS VIDEO- WWE Creative has finally discovered Chuck Norris Facts. Only a decade too late.

IF SLATER WINS HE GETS A SMACKDOWN CONTRACT: Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater- DUD!
I assume their logic behind this was “Heath lost to Brock on Raw, so let’s have him lose to Orotn on Smackdown to show that they are evenly matched.” The problem with that is that Orton and Lesnar are very different characters. Both are tough, but Randy’s thing is that he has a super-finisher that he can hit from anywhere that can put down anyone. Brock’s thing is that he is a large MMA badass that will maul you and rip your limbs off. Thus, losing a match to Brock and losing a match to Orton show different things about each guy. Also, losing to Brock and then being in condition to wrestle the next night only hurts Brock.
So anyway, Randy decides to not listen to the referee and just keeps beating Heath up in the corner until he gets DQed. I will now share with you my thought process over the proceeding twenty seconds:
That’s weird. What was the point of Randy getting DQed? He’s going into a match against Brock! Why would you want him to lose? Randy lost… which means that Heath Slater won… which means that NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Randy continued to beat up Heath Slater, but none of this mattered because 1) Heath is a jobber, so beating him up doesn’t prove sh*t and 2) Heath now has a contract, so it’s impossible for me to enjoy watching this because of the knowledge that no matter what Randy does to him, I will have to put up with Heath week after week after week from now on.

And so we now have this man on the roster who has been portrayed as a comedy dork, a liar, and a loser… and they want us to react to him as a babyface. But hey. I’m sure it was worth killing a stip on every show for three weeks to lead to this.

The Wyatts took over the TV screen in the middle of Randy’s celebration specifically for the purpose of announcing that they are here. Was that really necessary?

SLATER, BRYAN, SHANE & A DOCTOR- now everyone else realizes that Heath gets a contract. And we got comedy with Heath (who is claiming that he beat up both Orton and Lesnar) saying “no mercy” and Bryan and Shane saying “that’s a good name for our October PPV” as if they didn’t have it already, even though it’s been reported and confirmed for weeks.
The joke continues that Heath is so badly beaten up that he is delusional and believe Bryan and Shane to be Foley and Steph. LOL he’s probably got a concussion. That’s why Daniel Bryan had to retire. Because concussions are funny.
So Heath signs the contract and doesn’t realize that he has done so… which should make the contract null and void if contested in court, which is the one bit of hope I am clinging to right now.
And of course here is JBL agreeing with Heath that he never signed his contract, because JBL is actively trying to prevent himself from ever being credible again.
Yeah, sure, people popped for Heath Slater signing the contract, but they also cheered for Eva Marie when she showed up later, so these fans basically don’t count.

They made sure to show us Orton and the Wyatts crossing paths on the ramp. If the Wyatts interfere in the Summer Slam match I will be extremely pissed (and now that I’ve thought about it, I’m 100% certain that will happen because Lesnar vs. Wyatt was the original plan for WrestleMania).



DEAN AMBROSE vs. ERICK ROWAN (w/Dean Ambrose)- 5/10
Well… these guys definitely felt like they packed a lot into five minutes. But, you know, that’s still means that WWE chose to have Rowan lose in FIVE MINUTES. Bray was unhappy with this and walked off without Rowan, because breaking the Wyatt Family up has worked so well in the past.

JBL tries to compare Ambrose to Terry Funk, saying that Funk was so crazy that people never thought he would be NWA World Heavyweight Champion but he was a great champion. I could be wrong, but everything I’ve read and heard seems to indicate that crazy Terry Funk didn’t start until the 80’s. Also, this point that JBL himself is bringing up should eliminate all of the arguments he makes on a weekly basis about how “lunatic” Dean Ambrose is unfit to be world champion.

ALEXA BLISS! & NATAYLA vs. BECKY LYNCH & CARMELLA- 2.75/10
Everyone but Becky got their entrances cut. This made Alexa look like less of a star and for Carmella… it’s probably a blessing in disguise. MAJOR props to the referee, who saw the two heels staring at Becky’s back during Becky’s entrance and immediately got between Becky and heels.
Eva showed up but then so did Naomi because I guess she really wants to get her hands on Eva or something. This results in the babyfaces winning, with Becky making Nattie tap, so at least Alexa didn’t get beaten.

They plugged a special about the “Women’s Evolution” on the WWE Network tonight. I’m almost tempted to watch this just to see how hard they try to spin this as being Steph’s idea when everyone who knows anything knows it was Hunter’s.

BARON CORBIN TORMENTS KALISTO BACKSTAGE- wow. These segments make Kalisto look terrible.

There is going to be a six-woman tag at the PPV which is going to essentially be the same thing that we got earlier tonight for the tag team division, except they’re wasting PPV time with it.

JOHN CENA vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO- 7.5/10
AJ Styles in on commentary. He jumped Cena after a great match. Then AJ cut a good promo on Cena. That’s a fine go-home angle, I guess.

Then they killed it but having Cena make a comeback and put AJ through the Spanish announcers’ table, killing any build for the PPV because the babyface just got his revenge.

Another bad episode of Smackdown.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
DGUSA Open the Ultimate Gate 2013
ROH/CMLL Global Wars Espectacular: Day 3

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KILLdozer
Posts: 5930
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 22:54

Re: BRM Reviews the 8/16/2016 Smackdown (bad)

Post by KILLdozer » Aug 17th, '16, 21:23

So ...few things here...

"More time spent on Heath Slater than :"

Idc at all about most if not all of those motha fuckers.

Dudley's, Kane (especially that old ass lookin' son of a gun) and Big Show can raise up outta' here.

Apollo Crews? You mean better Titus O'Neil?

Alexa Bliss is nowheres near Sasha Banks or even Eva Marie.

Neville....eh. We'll see where he goes this time.

Baron Corbin...gotta have the Lone Wolf...since Ryback is gone.

Fuck the USPS and I'm really not givin' a fuck about Naomi.

Dolph Ziggler IS second rate ripoff Shawn Michaels jyst nowhere near as good.

Crews hits The Mix for talkin' crazy?

Gotta love all these tough guy"what did you just say to me?!? Faces in WWE who give Into the heels taunts so easily and lose it. These are great models for when kids talk shit to another.

A boy makes fun of your name? Hit him!

Bray Wyatt is Fred Flintstone actually...gotta just come in and obnoxious interrupt everything in grand fashion.
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

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Big Red Machine
Posts: 27378
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 15:12

Re: BRM Reviews the 8/16/2016 Smackdown (bad)

Post by Big Red Machine » Aug 18th, '16, 15:30

A correction: both Wikipedia and Filthy Tom Lawlor say that the contract was taken away BEFORE Heath signed it. Not as bad, but still bad.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
DGUSA Open the Ultimate Gate 2013
ROH/CMLL Global Wars Espectacular: Day 3

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