BRM Reviews the 5/12/2016 Smackdown (bad)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Good segment.
A good promo by Ambrose that gets interrupted by Jericho’s pyro and (lack of) lights. Jericho jumps Dean from behind in the dark and locks him in a straitjacket and beats him up. No security came out to help Dean, nor did any of Deans friends the wrestlers. Not even Dean’s best buddy Roman Reigns. Some friend he is. Oh. Finally. It’s some referees to make the save kind of.


RUSEV (w/Lana) vs. SIN CARA (w/Kalisto)- 3.75/10
I guess someone realized having Rusev lose to Cara on Raw was an idiotic way to build him up as a challenger. Well… better late than never, I suppose.
Kalisto came off like a heel on commentary in his hypocritical defense of his interference on Raw. He was also just painful to listen to whenever he opened his mouth and he just got steamrolled by Lawler. They did a goofy angle with him and Lana in which Lana distracted him by throwing water on him, and Rusev snuck up behind him and kicked him.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS EMMA- bad
Renee started this off by saying “Emma, after weeks of your cryptic remarks towards Becky Lynch…” at which point I screamed “WHAT CRYPTIC REMARKS?!” Why is it so hard for them to understand that if something on Smackdown is supposed to be important you need to recap it on Raw?
Renee then asked “who is this new face in the division? Who, exactly, is Dana Brooke?” So I guess we know that Renee doesn’t watch NXT. Way to bury the product.
Emma cut a promo that was clearly written by someone else, but the upside to having a voice as… (how shall I put this nicely?)... distinctive… as Dana’s, is that everything that comes out of her mouth sounds like something she would say.

BECKY LYNCH vs. DANA BROOKE (w/Emma)- 2/10
Dana Brooke’s nickname on the main roster is apparently going to be “The Predator.” I burst out laughing when I heard this.
They had some intensity early on, but then they went pretty much right to the finish which was Emma poking Becky in the eye so Dana could roll her up with a jackknife.

“THE CLUB” BACKSTAGE- It’s Gallows & Anderson vs. Usos tonight. AJ vows to take care of Roman if he shows up.

NEW DAY PROMO- sure the Vaudevillains cost them a match and then assaulted them on Monday night, but why should that stop them from coming out here and telling jokes?
Kofi said the Vaudevillains were “stuck in the 1830s” so he doesn’t know when the Vaudeville era was. I was also kind of annoyed with them whining about interference simply because there has been literally no change in their behavior since their babyface turn. There is nothing that distinguishes the New Day now from the New Day that used to interfere in matches all the time, so they come across like hypocrites.
The Vaudevillains came out and cut a promo that was better than New Day’s promo, but that’s not saying much.

KOFI KINGSTON (w/the New Day) vs. AIDEN ENGLISH (w/Simon Gotch)- 4/10
Mauro name-drops Farmer Burns and Frank Gotch, and Jerry Lawler of all people pretends to have no idea who he is talking about. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have Lawler acknowledge Mauro’s expertise and knowledge so as to put him over as a knowledgeable announcer?
English wins by using the ropes for illegal leverage.

THE FAMILY BACKSTAGE- same as the Bullet Club segment.

LUKE GALLOWS & KARL ANDERSON vs. THE USOS- 6/10
They had a match that was going along fine until the referee randomly decided that throwing a guy over the announcers’ table is a DQ. If you don’t want to beat either team, DON’T BOOK THE MATCH!
Then brawling happened, ending in Anderson & Gallows hitting the Usos with a chair. From what I gathered, AJ and Roman were unofficially banned from ringside for this match, so I assumed that doing the DQ would allow Roman to come out and save his cousins, but apparently they just did a DQ for no f*cking reason. At there was some heat on the Bullet Club out of this.

BOB BACKLUND & DARREN YOUNG THING- Crazy Grandpa Bob doesn’t understand modern technology. This was f*cking terrible.

GORGEOUS TRUTH vs. GOLDANGO- SUPER-ULTRA-DUD!
Truth and Fandango started and they did one quick spot before Fandango tagged out to Goldust. There were chants of “Golden Truth!” that MUST have been piped in because I cannot possibly imagine that there is anyone not named Vincent Kennedy McMahon that gives a sh*t whether these two team up anymore.
They decided that they didn’t want to fight anymore. Truth tagged out to Breeze who attacked him from behind. He then went to attacked Goldust but Fandango stopped him, then did a Russo-swerve and just attacked Goldust on his own. This one clotheslines from Fandango was enough to apparently knock Goldust out completely as Breeze finally got around to pinning him after a long stare-down with Fandango. Fandango and Breeze then beat the sh*t out of Goldust, so Truth tried to make the save. He got his ass kicked, too. Goldust the protected Truth with his body like Misawa and Kobashi because apparently they’re now best f*cking friends and care about each other. It took them FIVE F*CKING MONTHS to build up to THIS… FOR A PAIR OF COMEDY JOBBERS who we all know accomplish ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TOGETHER!

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS RIC AND CHARLOTTE FLAIR- Ric cut a good promo for Charlotte. The angle here was that Charlotte wasn’t very confident, and the way they expressed this was by having her “woooo” be less enthusiastic than her father’s.

SAMI ZAYN & CESARO vs. KEVIN OWENS & THE MIZ (w/Maryse)- 6.5/10
Owens and Miz are tag partners who don’t get along. I feel like I’ve been watching this for three months at this point (in reality, it’s probably closer to two). Owens and Miz pick up the win when a Zayn Helluva Kick accidentally hits Cesaro, then Owens hits a Frog Splash. There is brawling after the match and people lay each other out, ending in Miz standing tall at the end. If I were bookings this, I would have had Cesaro pin Miz after a miscue with Owens. Pinning a babyface here- even after a miscue- was about the worst thing you could have done because they are the two who need the most build going into this title match. Miz is at his best when he is a soft champion and Zayn pinned him last week, so having Cesaro pin him here would build up Cesaro, and allowing Miz to blame it on Owens builds up heat there, too.


A boring, annoying episode of Smackdown. Mauro or no Mauro, I think I’m just done with this show unless something looks REALLY good.