BRM Reviews the 1/14/2016 Smackdown

[Big Red Machine]

After running down our big “triple main event” (the card is booked before the show starts? What a novel concept!), we immediately send it to Renee Young who is waiting for Dean Ambrose to show up because he requested promo time. So Dean is officially late to the show. Good job there, champ. Dean showed up, dropped off by a rather reckless driver, and then said he was going to go out to the ring to address Kevin Owens… so what was even the point of that whole bit? Why not just open the show with Dean coming out? You save yourself a minute of air-time to add to a match or to use to plug the Rumble or the Network, and nit-pickers like me won’t point out that it’s silly for Dean to be late to the show.

Wow. Even stupid WWE phrases like “the CajunDome how now become the Ambrose Asylum” sound a lot less stupid and annoying when Mauro says them.
Someone brought a sign alleging that “K.O. plays w/kittens.” I thought this was obvious. How else could he have possibly gotten so good at the Pop-up Powerbomb?

DEAN AMBROSE PROMO- He is challenging Owens to a Last Man Standing Match at the Royale Rumble in a Last Man Standing match. I shudder to think of what sort of crazy sh*t those two will do to each other.
Instead of Owens coming out, Sheamus came out and cut a boring promo, but it led to them getting ready to fight. Before they could get started, Kevin Owens came out, and now that I think about it, I’m not sure why Owens showing up is stopping them from fighting. Owens accepted Dean’s challenge, then the two of them got ready to fight Dean. Dean got two-on-one for a second until Neville showed up to make the save and the babyfaces cleared the ring. It seems to be that it would have been a lot better to just start this match now because… well… let’s face it, a “triple main event” sounds a little silly, and especially if one of the matches is going to start half-way through the show, at which point it won’t feel like a main event, so if you have this segment force this match to start early, you have a reason why this match isn’t in the main event spot, and then the other two big matches can be a respectable double main event.
Or… you can just do what WWE did and say that the first third of your “triple main event” will be up next… as the scheduled opener. *Facepalm*

TABLES MATCH: The Dudley Boys vs. The Wyatt Family (w/Braun Strowman… and maybe Bray Wyatt? I think? Was he out there at all?)- 5/10
Really big pop for the Dudleys. The Wyatts actually make strategic use of their magical teleporting powers and teleport behind the Dudleys instead of doing their entrance. It’s still stupid that it’s happening at all, but at least it’s being used logically.
Byron Saxton came as close as we’re ever likely to get to someone calling out the Wyatt’s magical powers.
I giggled when Strowman got into the ring, ran at Bubba, missed, and tumbled out of the ring. He looked like such an idiot.
Wow. I really wasn’t expecting the Dudleys to win this one. They got beaten down after the match, though, with Devon getting put through two different tables and Bubba getting put through two tables at once.

JOJO INTERVIEWS KALISTO- good.
Kalisto is JUST SLIGHTLY taller than JoJo. He made sure to mention both Rey and Eddie, because Kalisto is Hispanic and thus it is not possible for him to have been inspired by any other short wrestlers ever. I mean… how else are Latinos going to know that they should be cheering for him if he doesn’t mention Rey and Eddie at every opportunity?
Like on Raw, the promo was good, but it’s just SOOOOO heavy-handed that I can’t help but think that they will fail before they reach their intended destination, just like they did with Del Rio.

Up next… it’s the big Survivor Series match they’ve spent all of 2015 building to on Main Event & Superstars:

ZACK RYDER, DAMIEN SANDOW, JACK SWAGGER, & GOLDUST vs. HEATH SLATER, BO DALLAS, ADAM ROSE, & CURTIS AXEL-
No entrances for either team, obviously.
Well… color me surprised. Not only did I not think this would go longer than three minutes (it went 3:40), but I was full expecting the 2016 J.o.B. squad to lose this clash of jobbers, but they actually picked up the win. Hooray for Meh-volution!

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS ALBERTO DEL RIO- good

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Kalisto(c) vs. Alberto Del Rio- 7.5/10
In one sentence, Mauro mentioned the sport of mixed martial arts, the PRIDE promotion, and the fact that Del Rio used to work in it. I really hope this doesn’t get him fired.
Good match so far with Del Rio working the arm and Kalisto being a great underdog babyface and hey when did Wade Barrett show up?!
Not quite at the level of their match from Raw, but still pretty great.
Del Rio won the title back because of a distraction from Barrett. Changing the title back like this was stupid. I’ve already ranted about it other places, so I won’t do so here. I just want to say that watching this didn’t add anything to it or make it feel any better.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS BECKY LYNCH- good.
She wants a title match with Charlotte at the PPV.

BECKY LYNCH vs. BRIE BELLA (w/Alicia Fox)- 3/10
Good for the time it got. It would have been nice if they had connected the fact that Becky is wrestling Brie tonight to the fact that Charlotte was supposed to wrestle Brie on Raw.

KEVIN OWENS & SHEAMUS vs. DEAN AMBROSE & NEVILLE- 7.5/10
A great match with another bad DQ finish. There was no reason for either Sheamus or Neville not to lose the fall here, and there was absolutely no reason for Owens to get laid out like he was by Ambrose and Neville at the end of things. Haven’t you mother*ckers ever heard of heat?

A very good episode of Smackdown but oh my G-d that DQ was so pointless!


STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Lawler- “He got pushed through the table! Does that count?”
How long has Lawler been in this company and he still doesn’t know the rules to a Tables Match?

2. Byron said that Kalisto beating Del Rio was “maybe one of the biggest upsets in the history of Monday Night Raw,” to which Lawler responded “ONE of the biggest?”
This is the same Jerry Lawler who once teamed with JIM ROSS to defeat Lance Storm and William Regal, and who also once wanted JR beat Triple H in a singles match.

3. Byron Saxton (about a Last Man Standing match)- “The only job the official has is to raise the hand of the winner.”
And… you know… make the ten-count so that we can actually decide the winner.

[Serujuunin]

This whole match with Del Rio and Kalisto it drove me bonkers how much King was hating on Kalisto for being small. It made him look like he thought that, oh, I dunno, guys like Rey Mysterio should have never been taken seriously or never won because he was small.

And King, has anyone ever told you that you never once looked like Triple H or The Rock once in your career? You were never a big guy either. Sheesh.

[Big Red Machine]

This whole match with Del Rio and Kalisto it drove me bonkers how much King was hating on Kalisto for being small. It made him look like he thought that, oh, I dunno, guys like Rey Mysterio should have never been taken seriously or never won because he was small.

And King, has anyone ever told you that you never once looked like Triple H or The Rock once in your career? You were never a big guy either. Sheesh.

I think King has turned heel and no one bothered to tell us, and as a result it's a little jarring. I was reacting the same way last week. His bullsh*t was legitimately making me angry.

[Serujuunin]

This whole match with Del Rio and Kalisto it drove me bonkers how much King was hating on Kalisto for being small. It made him look like he thought that, oh, I dunno, guys like Rey Mysterio should have never been taken seriously or never won because he was small.

And King, has anyone ever told you that you never once looked like Triple H or The Rock once in your career? You were never a big guy either. Sheesh.

I think King has turned heel and no one bothered to tell us, and as a result it's a little jarring. I was reacting the same way last week. His bullsh*t was legitimately making me angry.

I actually muted him. It was atrocious.

[Big Red Machine]

This whole match with Del Rio and Kalisto it drove me bonkers how much King was hating on Kalisto for being small. It made him look like he thought that, oh, I dunno, guys like Rey Mysterio should have never been taken seriously or never won because he was small.

And King, has anyone ever told you that you never once looked like Triple H or The Rock once in your career? You were never a big guy either. Sheesh.

I think King has turned heel and no one bothered to tell us, and as a result it's a little jarring. I was reacting the same way last week. His bullsh*t was legitimately making me angry.

I actually muted him. It was atrocious.

Muting Lawler would mean not hearing Mauro, and Muaro is practically the only reason I'm watching Smackdown at this point.

[Serujuunin]

I think King has turned heel and no one bothered to tell us, and as a result it's a little jarring. I was reacting the same way last week. His bullsh*t was legitimately making me angry.

I actually muted him. It was atrocious.

Muting Lawler would mean not hearing Mauro, and Muaro is practically the only reason I'm watching Smackdown at this point.

He is really good. Actually makes the commentary table not sound like children. I'm glad he's on Smackdown.

[KILLdozer]

You dudes are crazy lol.