BRM Reviews the 5/28/2015 Smackdown (stop it with the DQ's!)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- boring.
“Jail is never a fun place to be”- a public service announcement from Dean Ambrose.
This was some stupid comedy that functioned as a long and pointless recap of the big angle for Raw. They tried to explain how Dean wound up driving the police van, but they still didn’t answer why it was the NYPD that arrested Dean in Nassau County. But aside from the dumb parts, it was good.
Oh. And our main event is Rollins & Kane vs. Reigns & Ambrose… which is exactly the same match we got on Raw.

TAG TEAM LUMBERJACK MATCH: Lucha Dragons vs. Upper-Cats (w/Natalya)- 6.75/10
Okay… Upper-Cats need to lose the headphones. They look idiotic.
As for the match itself… not only was it really good, but they had me convinced that we would actually get through an entire Lumberjack match with the lumberjacks doing their jobs and nothing more!

KANE, ROLLINS, & THE STOOGERWEIGHTS BACKSTAGE- Kane said something that could be interepted either as meaning that he will help Rollins or that he will cost him the title. FOR THE THIRD STRAIGHT MONTH! We’ve seen this so much recently that I don’t give a damn.

R-TRUTH PROMO- eh.

Look… Barrett’s a great promo, but there is NO WAY to take him seriously when he walks around wearing and robe and crown and carrying a scepter. It’s just not possible. He looks like a clown.
WADE BARRETT vs. R-TRUTH- 4.75/10
And if you want people to take the title of “King of the Ring” seriously, DON’T JOB HIM OUT TO THE COMEDY DORK!
Sheamus attacked them after the match, but I was so annoyed at Barrett jobbing to Truth that I didn’t give a damn.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS LANA- atrocious
Do they not realize that Lana saying that she is only making out with Dolph to make Rusev jealous does not make her likeable? It makes her a jerk.
I mean… WHY ARE THEY EVEN FIGHTING?! We’ve seen Lana do despicable things for the past year. If she wanted to get Rusev out of danger so she said that he quit, that’s fine… but why is she suddenly above lying about it? They’ve decided that she is a babyface, so now we’re supposed to just accept that she’s been a victim of abuse this whole time, completely out of nowhere?

Then Rusev showed up and asked if Dolph Ziggler was “sitting at home, drinking hot cocoa.” Yes. Rusev made a joke. Well… at least we now know that WWE still hasn’t learned from their mistakes.


RUSEV vs. RYBACK- 4/10… but it feels more like a dud for the idiotic finish.
Rusev gets DQed for throwing Ryback into the ringpost… for a second time. The first time it wasn’t a DQ, but the second time it was? How f*cking hard is it for WWE to understand that IF YOU CAN’T GIVE US A GOOD FINISH, DON’T BOOK THE F*CKING MATCH! If this DQ was going somewhere, that’d be one thing, but we all know it’s not, so why even do it?

PAIGE PROMO- good.

NAOMI PROMO- good, aside from the laughing at the end. Actually, that “now y’all go” and shooing motion felt like something that should have come out of Cameron’s mouth, not Naomi’s.

PAIGE vs. NAOMI (w/Tamina)- 4.75/10
Naomi turned heel last month, stealing Paige’s moment of glory in her home country, and now Paige is back from her injury… so they’re giving the big grudge match away for free on TV, three days before a PPV. HOW DUMB ARE THEY?!
AND THEY PUT PAIGE OVER CLEAN, TOO?! WHY?! Just have Naomi cheat to win! Isn’t that the entire reason for Tamina’s presence?
Do the turn, then have Naomi beat Nikki by cheating at Extreme Rules to turn the Bellas babyface. Nikki gets a rematch on TV which she loses due to interference from Naomi’s new bodyguard Tamina, who also takes out Brie. At Payback you do Nikki vs. Naomi with Tamina barred from ringside, which Naomi wins. Then you do Nikki vs. Tamina at Elimination Chamber which Nikki wins when Brie returns to help her (and have Naomi defend against someone else because you’ll probably need another match to fill out the card). Then you do a tag match MITB in which Brie pins Naomi leading to Naomi def. Brie at Battleground to retain. THEN you bring Paige back for a ONE-ON-ONE MATCH AGAINST NAOMI ON PPV AT THE SECOND BIGGEST SHOW OF THE YEAR! That took me less than five minutes to think up, and I’m just some schmoe sitting on my couch. HOW DO THESE “CREATIVE” IDIOTS MANAGE TO STAY EMPLOYED?!

MICHAEL COLE INTERVIEWS KEVIN OWENS- awesome.

HOLY CRAP, STEEN AND AMBROSE…

No. Wait. They just ignore each other. That was stupid.

DEAN AMBROSE & ROMAN REIGNS vs. KANE & SETH ROLLINS (w/Joey Mercury & Jamie Noble)- 6.5/10
I would have given this a 6.75 if we didn’t have the stupid, pointless DQ finish. Just have Ambrose pin Kane. It’s not that hard! But instead we got a DQ, followed by a post-match segment which made the tag champs look like chumps before finally getting some heat. Why the hell did The New Day have to be the ones to get beaten up here? The Ascension would have worked just as well.

Another bad Smackdown aside from the Owens promo. Every time something on Smackdown looks good enough to make me want to watch it I wind up regretting it. Hopefully, one of these days, I’ll actually learn my lesson.