MIZTV WITH SPECIAL GUESTS THE NEW DAY- dumb
Kofi and Woods pretended that they were the hosts of a new show. Everyone was annoying. Eventually someone sent Teddy Long out o book a tag team match, totally forgetting that when Teddy used to do it, it was with big name singles wrestlers, not two pairs of usual tag team partners. Instead Teddy booked Miz and Morrison to face The Undertaker, so I guess Teddy hasn’t been paying any attention to the product over the last few months. That or he’s senile. One of the two. Adam Pearce came out to correct him, and Teddy then announced the tag team match.
This is exactly the sort of sh*t that makes these nostalgia-centered shows suck so much. You know that the only reason they started this with the dumb, waste of time talk-show format was so Teddy could come out and book the match, because Teddy Long showing up on the screen will make some people Tweet about the show, maybe. Why are we catering to Twitter? And it’s not just catering to Twitter, but it’s doing so in the dumbest possible way. You know that anyone who feels the need to Tweet about Teddy Long coming out for a one-off appearance to do the obvious thing and book a tag team match will Tweet about ANYTHING you put on the show. That kind of person would Tweet about how it exciting it was to see if you started the show off with a ten-minute backstage segment of Dana Brooke, Titus O’Neil, John Morrison, and Lincé Dorado playing Monopoly.
JOHN MORRISON & THE MIZ vs. THE NEW DAY- 5.25/10
The announcers keep talking about how “Teddy Long” gave us this match, when it’s clear that Pearce came out and told Teddy what to say after Teddy’s first suggestion was untenable. It’s soooooo dumb, and it’s even more frustrating because putting f*cking Teddy Long over serves no purpose!
New Day won clean. This was meh.
CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS RANDY ORTON- horrible
This started off with a recap of the ending of last week’s show. I was fine with their not being an update when I saw that they went to Randy, figuring that he would talk about it and give us one.
Charly asks him “what went throughout your mind as you were holding that match?” Randy says that he didn’t burn Alexa Bliss! alive last week because “facing The Fiend changes you,” and for Randy, that means showing compassion. WHOA! Wait a minute. The impression that I and everyone else that I’ve heard talk about the ending of last week’s show got was that Randy dropping the match was him TRYING to set Alexa on fire. After all, she made a trail of gasoline so that it would work. If Randy was showing compassion and decided not to burn Alexa to death, why did he drop the match instead of do the normal thing and BLOW IT OUT?!
Anyway, Randy says he hates himself for showing compassion, but now he’s going to channel that hatred towards someone else. So basically, Randy gets to face The Fiend and not change because he’s still going to be a vicious heel. The only difference is that instead of hurting people out of sadism or a ruthless desire to win, he does it out of redirected self-loathing.
And it gets even better! Who is Randy going to decide take his anger out on? “Some legends,” of course! A month before he started feuding with The Fiend, Randy Orton was beating up legends just because. Now that he is done feuding with The Fiend, he’s going to go beat up some legends, just because. Yeah, he sure has changed a lot.
VIDEO OF R-TRUTH BEING DUMB AT A NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY WITH NEW DAY-
Shocking, I know. Thus ends the career of Angel Garza.
Woods was crying because his trombone was broken in the process, but I guess it couldn’t have been too bad because by the beginning of tonight’s show, he either fixed it or got a new one.
ANGEL GARZA TRIES TO SEDUCE ALICIA FOX WITH HIS NEW 24/7 TITLE-
Someone needs to sit him down and explain the Vicky Mendoza diagonal to him:
ANGEL GARZA IS AMAZED TO SEE MICKIE JAMES, SGT. SLAUGHTER, & TATANKA- terrible
He saw them and said “More legends? WOW![/i]. What a f*cking geek. Especially for those three. Tatanka was an upper-midcarder at best (despite a two-year undefeated streak) and is probably most fondly remembered for a well-booked heel turn. Sgt. Slaughter would be a bg deal if he wasn’t someone we saw every single time WWE does one of these things, and Mickie James… have they even told us that she’s retired?
Garza now tries to seduce Mickie. Odds are, he’s going to get shut down again, and also have no response to Sarge calling him a puke. BUT, I will give them credit if the following happens:
Garza actually manages to seduce Mickie. Later we cut a locker room where they’re f*cking. Mickie tells him that she’s a country girl so she wants to do cowgirl. He gets down, she gets on top of him and starts riding… and a referee bursts out of the closet and counts the pin, and Mickie gets up and runs away.
Nope. Instead he’s just scared of Sarge, and Mickie wouldn’t even give him his rose back.
“THE DRIFTER” ELIAS SAMPSON (w/Jaxon Ryker) vs. AJ STYLES (w/Omos)- 5.75/10
AJ beat The Drifter clean, just like last week. If you were going to do the same match again with the same result and also do a post-match angle this week, what was the point of last week’s match?
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- GREAT!
Ryker tried to hit AJ with a guitar, but not only did AJ manage to duck in time, but Omos had managed to get into the ring and destroyed the guitar mid-swing with a big boot (which is what AJ was actually ducking, because Ryker was coming at him from behind). This looked REALLY cool.
SARAH SCHREIBER INTERVIEWS CHARLOTTE FLAIR- meh
She was way too nice and babyface-ish here. She was asked what advice she- as a former winner- would give the entrants in this year’s Royal Rumble. She said she would tell them to not listen to the critics because you can defy the odds… like she did last year, and like she will do again this year. She should have just said “Stay out of my way and I’ll save you for last.”
Immediately after this, Charlotte’s entrance for her match started, and we went to a commercial.
MATT RIDDLE IS TRYING TO FORM A TAG TEAM WITH BIG SHOW- bad
Riddle already has a partner. Is he trying to dump Jeff already? What an asshole.
RANDY ORTON TRIES TO PROVOKE THE BIG SHOW- bad
If Randy wants beat Big Show up, why does he need to provoke him? Why can’t he just attack him?
Now we’re back in the ring, and Charlotte’s music is STILL PLAYING. They want us to believe that it has been playing for five and a half minutes, non-stop, even though, for the majority of that time, ZERO FANS COULD HEAR IT.
LACEY EVANS & PEYTON ROYCE vs. ASUKA & CHARLOTTE FLAIR (w/Ric Flair)- 5/10
I find Peyton and Lacey’s bickering infinitely more tolerable than just about any other pair of people in wrestling.
The match itself was fine other than one sequence where Peyton first took a Codebreaker from Asuka in a way that didn’t look very good, and then had one of the most embarrassing botches you’ll ever see taking Bow to the Queen.
There was story here that Peyton was flirting with Naitch, which he seemed perfectly happy about but Charlotte didn’t like. Byron and Tom were outraged by this, saying that Peyton was “targeting” Flair as if had attacked him. If there’s any issue here, it’s that Naitch is married, but 1) I don’t know if that has been acknowledged in kayfabe, and 2) he’s clearly responding to her flirting, so that makes him an asshole.
The finish was Ric trip Charlotte up and then Peyton roll her up for the win. Byron described it as a “miscue” but the others were certain it was on purpose… and I really don’t know how anyone could come to any conclusion other than it being on purpose. Peyton was nowhere near the ropes when Ric reached out and tripped Charlotte.
Well… at least this actually sets up some challengers for the titles.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- bad
Charlotte yelled at Ric to “stay out of my business, again.” Am I missing something? When was the first time he screwed something up for her?
As of this moment, we were told that only Nia Jax and Charlotte Flair have declared themselves for the Royal Rumble. Why hasn’t anyone else done so if that’s all it takes to get yourself booked in this big match?
DREW MCINTYRE, SHEAMUS, HULK HOGAN, & JIMMY HART BACKSTAGE- bad
Merely being involved with this stupid cartoon goofball made Drew look bad by association. AT BEST, this was Drew humoring a delusional old codger. And for what? Do they really think there is anyone out there watching who was unsure about Drew McIntyre, but whose mind will be changed by an endorsement from Hulk Hogan?
MATT RIDDLE vs. BOBBY LASHLEY (w/MVP)- 6/10
This started off with Riddle jumping the bell on Lashely. I can excuse that because the story is that Riddle is angry that Lashley was beating up on Jeff Hardy last week. What I can’t excuse is the finish, which saw Riddle tap out while the referee was distracted to get Lashley to release the Hurt Lock, then roll Lashley up for the pin. How is that not a heel turn?! The way they set the finish up was brilliant… but the finish itself was just ass-backward.
MARK HENRY & RICOCHET BACKSTAGE- Mark gave Ricochet encouragement.
RNADY ORTON ACCOSTS MARK HENRY BACKSTAGE- bad
Mark is injured and needs some sort of scooter to get around. Orton showed up so soon after Ricochet left that there is no way he didn’t hear Randy talking to Mark. You’d think that with Randy’s reputation, he’d come back to defend Mark from a possible attack, but apparently not.
Orton yelled at Mark and humiliated him. Why is he doing this? If he wants to beat someone up, just beat him up!
CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS MVP & BOBBY LASHLEY- very good
They are, rightly, furious. Lashley vowed to make Riddle pay.
SHAYNA BASZLER vs. DANA BROOKE (w/Mandy Rose)- no rating, bad segment
This was supposed to be Baszler vs. Mandy but Baszler jumped Mandy on the ramp. Dana came out in her street clothes and challenged Baslzer to a match. Baslzer quickly got the Kirafuta Clutch in but Dana turned it into a pin. Baszler lot but didn’t give up the hold. Mandy saved Dana, then they hit Baslzer with a double-team. Baszler losing is almost never a good thing, and it really doesn’t feel like babyfaces getting revenge on the heel if they need it to be two-on-one to do so.
RIC FLAIR, IRS, AND MOLLY HOLLY’S CHAT IS INTERRUPTED BY RANDY ORTON- bad
As soon as Orton showed up, IRS and Molly left. What a bunch of jerks. Don’t they know that Randy could snap and attack Flair at any moment? Orton called Flair a “pathetic old man” who is now only relevant because of his daughter. That’s pretty accurate.
MATT RIDDLE SHOWS UP TO ANNOY KEITH LEE WHILE HE’S WARMING UP FOR HIS MATCH- meh
Lee was much more polite than I would have been if I were him.
RANDY ORTON vs. JEFF HARDY- 7/10
Randy worked over Jeff’s earholes again. UCH.
Randy won clean.
MELINA MAKES A POINTLESS CAMEO WITH LUCHA HOUSE PARTY BACKSTAGE- pointless
LUCHA HOUSE PARTY vs. THE HURT BUSINESS (Cedric Alexander & Shelton Benjamin)- 4.5/10
MVP was on commentary. Lucha House Party cut an annoying promo. The match was short and was good for the time it got. Shelton and Cedric stopped working together and thus they lost. Gran Metalik is getting a Cruiserweight Title shot on Wednesday, so he really should have been the one to get the pin, no Lincé Dorado.
ANGEL GARZA TRIES TO HIT ON TORRIE WILSON- bad
Garza is a dumb sh*t who gets tricked into thinking that Cardi B., Ariana Grande, and Kylie Jenner are all in a room a few feet away, so he goes there. In that room is… holy crap, it actually is Cardi B!
Wait. No. Sorry. That’s the Boogeyman. In my defense, they do kind of look the same
(Hey, you can’t expect me to sit through week after week of this sh*t and not start to be mean to random people, can you?)
Garza gets scared by the Boogeyman and runs out of the room. He then gets rolled up and pinned by R-Truth, because things are definitely exciting when the same dude winds up with the title at the end of the night every time. Ron Simmons showed up to say “DAMN!” because it’s a WWE legends show, and that has to happen every time and it definitely hasn’t gotten old by now.
WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Drew McIntyre(c) vs. Keith Lee- 8/10
They had all of the legends out on the stage to watch. Lee worked over the ribs. The match was awesome, and I was extremely pleasantly surprised that Sheamus did not interfere. Drew won clean to retain his title.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- meh
Goldberg showed up to challenge Drew. He claimed Drew was disrespecting the legends, but I’m not really sure where he’s getting that from. He put A LOT of words in Drew’s mouth. Drew saying Goldberg isn’t the guy he used to be and calling him old also wasn’t the best thing to do, either. You build your opponent up, not tear him/her down.
I’m not really interested in seeing the match, but it should be a good win for Drew.
This was every dull, tired WWE nostalgia show you’ve ever seen, with one awesome match at the end. Not the best start for 2021.