PAT PATTERSON TRIBUTE- fine
RANDY ORTON PROMO FIREFLY OUTHOUSE- dumb
Randy wants a match against Bray Wyatt tonight. Bray said yes. This was surrounded by dumb comedy sh*t that served no purpose other than to waste time.
NIA JAX GIVES SHAYNA BASZLER A PEP TALK- This would have been good if I thought this feud was going anywhere useful and I wasn’t sick of Lana getting beaten up by Nia and Shayna.
SHAYNA BASZLER (w/Nia Jax) vs. ASUKA (w/Lana)- 4.5/10
These two had a wonderful grappling match that didn’t go as long as I would have liked and was then ruined by an idiotic finish. Said finish was Shayna having things won but then getting distracted by Nia attacking Lana, giving Asuka enough time to recover and roll her up. We already knew that team Lana/Asuka could beat team Nia/Baszler, and the tag champs have never needed an excuse to bicker, so nothing was gained by this, while Asuka looked weak and Shayna looked like an idiot. Hooray for WWE booking!
THE HURT BUSINESS RANDOMLY BULLY SOMEONE BACKSTAGE- You know. Because they’re heels.
MATT RIDDLE ANNOYS RICOCHET & DANA BROOKE BACKSTAGE- He’s looking for Lashley and has “bro-nutts.”
SARAH SCHREIBER INTERVIEWS DANA BROOKE & RICOCHET- bad
Dana Brooke has reached community theater level. Good for her. Ricochet wasn’t very good, either.
Oh f*ck. TWO other people just walked into the room and saw those two awful segments. I think I’ll let this commercial play in the hopes they decide to get up and leave before having to hear more of Retribution’s dumb code-names and see more of Dana’s acting.
RETRIBUTION PROMO- uch
MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: Ricochet & Dana Brooke vs. Retribution (Slapjack & Reckoning) (w/Mustafa Ali)- 2/10
Stuff happened. Dana Brooke pins Mia Yim again. Vince has to be doing this to piss us off on purpose, right?
KEITH LEE BOTHERS SHEAMUS BACKSTAGE- bad
This was the exact same segment we got last week, with Lee warning Sheamus he’d better not turn on Drew, and Sheamus responding with sarcastic indignity.
And really… what would Sheamus even get out of turning on Drew right here and helping Miz cash in? Lee is just being an asshole at this point.
MIZ TV- bad
The heels talked. Then Sheamus and Drew came out and talked. Fighting happened. This served no purpose.
KOFI KINGSTON (w/Xavier Woods) vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN (w/Cedric Alexander & MVP)- 3/10
This was outstanding for the few short minutes it lasted. Cedric grabbed a mic and demanded that Kofi wrestle him right here, right now, so we got…
KOFI KINGSTON (w/Xavier Woods) vs. CEDRIC ALEXANDER (w/Shelton Benjamin & MVP)- 5/10
Kofi hurt his leg in the previous match. They kept talking about that in this match, but didn’t really work it over. Cedric won clean. I guess there is a story here where Cedric says he wants to team with someone else, but at this point I just don’t trust WWE to actually tell that story.
HANDICAP MATCH: Drew McIntyre & Sheamus vs. The Miz, John Morrison, & AJ Styles (w/Omos)- 5.75/10
Why is this even a handicap match? I mean… why was this booked instead of a six-man tag with Keith Lee or something like that?
The babyfaces beat the heels up mostly with ease for most of the match. AJ pinned Sheamus via Phenomenal Forearm after Sheamus accidentally hit Drew with a Brogue Kick.
ASUKA & LANA BACKSTAGE- bad
Lana, our babyface, is absolutely terrified of Nia Jax and refuses to wrestle her next week. Asuka telling her to believe in her self suddenly makes her change her mind. Asuka left. Then Nia showed up and scared Lana. What a loser.
CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS SHEAMUS- He swears that kicking Drew wasn’t intentional, but he’s ready to fight because he thinks Drew will want to fight. Drew showed up and said something purposely ominous and we cut to a commercial.
DREW MCINTYRE & SHEAMUS BRAWL- terrible
They brawl at catering. Normally when there is a brawl, the other wrestler will break it up. This time, they’re all standing around and cheering like high school kids in movies from the 90s, and some of them have their phones out and are taping it, like they don’t see people fight backstage at least once a week.
Finally Pat Buck was brave enough to try to get between them, so they do the cliché WWE thing and both start to beat him up. Beating Pat Buck up made them friends again. F*ck this company.
MATT RIDDLE TRIES TO GIVE JEFF HARDY “BRO-NUTTS”- I assume the endgame here is a testicles joke.
JEFF HARDY vs. BOBBY LASHLEY (w/MVP)- 6.75/10
It’s good to see that Jeff is cleared to wrestle tonight after last week’s scare. This went quite a while. Riddle came out to back Jeff up. Lashley won clean and the heels attacked after the match.
ONE OF THE PUPPETS KNOCKS ON RANDY ORTON’S DOOR- I guess the purpose of this was for Randy to no-sell a talking, supposedly self-propelled puppet. Whatever.
RANDY ORTON vs. BRAY WYATT- 6/10
They did stuff until Fiend effects happened and The Fiend replaced Bray and choked Randy out. We got no announced finish, even though Bray and The Fiend are the same person so it should be a clean win. This was dumb and served almost no purpose. If you wanted to show us that The Fiend can take Randy out, why not have Randy cleanly beat someone else and then have The Fiend attack him?
But no. Instead we had to have another stupid non-finish in a main event. Just like on Smackdown. And on last week’s Raw. And on Smackdown the week before that. F*ck this company.
This was another terrible episode of Raw. Just copy and paste everything I said in my Smackdown review into this section about how frustrating and painful the WWE main roster product is to watch right now.
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