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STEPHANIE MCMAHON PROMO- didn’t like it
She immediately begins trolling the crowd by claiming she is adding herself to the Mania match. She announces that both titles will be on the line and it’s “winner take all.” So now we’ll have both belts on the same woman. If you’re going to unify the titles then just say so. And if you’re going to do it then take all of the women and put them on their own show so we don’t have this weird dichotomy where you have one set of titles on each show for the men but the women have floating champions.
Also… Steph (and the others, but Steph is the one who does it the most) needs to stop cutting these promos where she builds up a match by telling is that “WWE’s best athletes will put it all on the line and leave it all in the ring and fight with all of their heart and determination” or whatever exactly she said. Steph has hit the point where when she says things in her “announcement voice” they automatically sound over the top and phony, and any time a promoter says something like this it comes off as grandiose and manipulative instead of sincere. This is the sort of promo that each of the wrestlers should be cutting themselves. THEY should be telling me how they’re going to fight with all their heart and do everything they can to win the match because that’s how they feel, not some third party who has monetary incentive to tell me that.
UNIVERSAL TITLE MATCH BUILD SEGMENT- terrible
Heyman and Lesnar came out and Heyman cut his first promo in months that didn’t bore me. Then Rollins came out and cut this stupid, goofy, idealistic promo on Brock… and Brock just stood there laughing at him because Seth was trying to tear Brock down by talking about things that everyone knows Brock doesn’t give a sh*t about. Seriously! Did Seth really think Brock would give a crap if Seth told him that no one in the locker room likes him and the fans don’t want him to be in WWE anymore?
Brock decided to leave and walked right past Seth, Seth grabbed Brock, spun him around… and our intrepid hero immediately went for a low blow. He attacked Brock low, but Brock fought back anyway and was going to go for the F-5 but Seth used another shot to the groin to put Brock down. So the message for the go-home segment is that our hero stands no chance of beating the monster unless he cheats. Is Brock supposed to be the babyface or something?
CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS SETH ROLLINS- bad
Charly, unlike the announcers, is smart enough to realize that if Seth kicks Brock in the nuts during their title match, he’ll get disqualified. Seth’s response to this was “eh… he had it coming. Besides, I ‘m not a champion.” And then he walked away. Then he came back and said “yet.” Is the gimmick supposed to be that he is possessed by the ghost of Dean Ambrose?
This terrible interview was so important that the entrances of two of the four challengers for the WWE Women’s Tag Team Titles on the biggest show of the year had to be cut for it.
SASHA BANKS, BAYLEY, BETH PHOENIX, & NATALYA vs. NIA JAX, TAMINA, & THE IICONICS- 2.75/10
The IIconics are just randomly allowed to be on Raw tonight, I guess. And here are Graves and Renee calling attention to the fact that the IIconics are “making their Raw debut,” but of course they don’t give any sort of reason for why these Smackdown wrestlers are allowed to be on Raw. If you want to undo the brand split then just undo it! If you don’t want to undo it then you have to come up with a f*cking explanation for why something against the rules of the brand split has been allowed to occur!
Also, Graves called Raw “the flagship,” so you can expect Shane McMahon to recruit a posse to beat Graves up for this on Smackdown.
Michael Cole was f*cking terrible during this match. Every time he talked about Beth he felt like he was reading off of the back of some pointless WWE trading card designed for eight-year-olds. “Known as ‘the Glamazon’ because of her power…” no sh*t, Cole! Really? I thought it was because she was a f*cking skydiving enthusiast. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
The trading card he was reading off the back of must have been from last year because he said that Beth was “the only Superstar™ to ever compete in both the men’s and women’s Royal Rumble.” Meanwhile, Nia Jax, who did that same thing less than two and a half months ago, was standing right there on the apron.
The babyfaces totally controlled things for a large portion of the match. Right before we went to the break, the babyfaces started arguing. Why isn’t that “if you turn on your partner you’re out of the WrestleMania match” stipulation being applied to this match, too?
Eventually we got the predictable heat on Bayley. More paint-by-numbers stuff happened. Beth gave Tamina a big spear through the dasher-boards, because why would you save the big cool spot for WrestleMania when you can waste it in a pointless match on the go-home show? This spot, which consisted of running at Tamina very fast and letting Tamina take the bump, resulted in the fans chanting “YOU’VE STILL GOT IT!” at Beth. And it’s not like this was the first thing Beth had done in the match, either. Remember when wrestling fans used to put a minimal amount of thought into things before cheering or chanting? Can we go back to those days instead of these stupid marks who think they’re part of the show and that they have certain spots they need to hit?
Beth pinned Peyton Royce soon after that, then we got a forced stare-down between the two babyface teams with the champs holding up the belts. This was almost soulless build for a match that feels completely watered down from what it should have been.
WWE SNICKERS COMMERCIAL FEATURING MIZ & CHARLOTTE- wow. This was a new level of bad. Both of them looked like lame nobodies, and it certainly didn’t make me want to eat a Snickers bar.
BATISTA PROMO- bad
Dave pitched to a video package of himself beating Hunter up in all of their matches while Dave’s own voice said “there is nothing this man hasn’t done in this business except beat me” several times. It closed with a bunch of shots of Dave pinning Hunter, followed by Dave holding up the World Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania XXI. If Dave has beaten Hunter every single time they’ve wrestled and he clearly got revenge on him by taking the title from him then why did Dave want this match? Shouldn’t it be Hunter who tried to get Dave’s attention to have a match with him so he could finally beat him? I’m so confused! He told Hunter to kiss his ass, but he might as well have been saying it to anyone trying to make sense of this storyline.
MORE DRIFTER SH*T- He’s playing guitar in front of MetLife Stadium. I skipped this.
JINDER MAHAL vs. APOLLO CREWS- 0.5/10
Apparently watching The Drifter was more important than seeing the entrances for this match. All of the geeks in the Andre The Giant Memorial Participation Trophy Match were around ringside. Notably absent from ringside was Braun Strowman. Also, the SNL dorks.
The commentators tried to convince us that this stupid thing is actually somehow important despite not being able to provide any evidence to support their claims and despite the fact that all visual evidence points to the contrary. I would love to know whether Vince just has the commentators do this because “well, we might as well try to make it seem important” or does he actually think we believe them when they tell us this jobber battle royale is important?
These two had an extremely short match which Crews won with a Frog Splash.
Cole asks if he can “please remind everyone that Braun Strowman is also in the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale.” Oh yeah, Cole? Well then why wasn’t Braun out here with everyone else? It seems to me that Braun doesn’t give a sh*t about the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale, so why should he even be allowed to enter it?
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Predictably, everyone inexplicably decided to get into the ring and they all had an impromptu battle royale that Crews won in about a minute. Well if he just beat all of these guys right now then why don’t we just give him the f*cking trophy right now?
KURT ANGLE PROMO AND VIDEO PACKAGE- I’ll assume the video package was good. I don’t have time to sit through this dreck. Baron Corbin predictably came out to interrupt things. This whole go-home show has been so painfully dull and paint-by-numbers.
Corbin points out to us that Kurt is old and kind of stinks now. He ain’t wrong. This really isn’t doing anything to make me want to see this match. Kurt suggests they have an exhibition tonight. Corbin heads to the ring but backs off and says he’ll face Kurt on his own schedule not Kurt’s. Blah blah blah.
Rey comes out. Corbin gets in the ring for some reason instead of just going to one of the sides of the ringside area to get out of Rey’s way. Rey Mysterio, a Smackdown wrestler who is here with no explanation, shows up and challenges Corbin to a match tonight. Wasn’t Rey scheduled to wrestle Kurt tonight? How about you give us the f*cking matches you advertise, WWE?
Corbin attacks Rey, then gets beaten up two-on-one by the babyfaces. Kurt and Rey hug in the ring, because apparently hitting three moves on Baron Corbin sapped them of all of their energy and they can’t wrestle anymore.
CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS CHARLOTTE FLAIR- Charlotte cut a promo in which she tried really hard to sound cool and tough but only succeeded in sounding like someone who plays someone cool and tough on TV.
WWE RAW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The Revival(c) vs. Aleister Black & Ricochet- 7.5/10
Corey Graves told us that Ricochet has the ability to “change the laws of physics.” And Graves would know, as Ricochet’s generosity is the only thing stopping him from being crushed under the weight of his own clichéd bullsh*t.
The Raw Tag Team Champions had their entrance take place during a commercial. They proceeded to have a great match that ended in an extremely clever count-out that made the heels feel dastardly… but not in a way that I really felt like I needed to see the babyfaces destroy them after the match the way they did. I assume they want to hold off on the title change until next week on the post-Mania Raw, which actually seems like a good idea to me.
Rey vs. Corbin has been made official for tonight.
CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS RONDA ROUSEY- This was very good until that stupid clichéd last line where she teased that she might just attack her teammates tonight and get herself kicked out of the match because she’s a rogue and stuff.
ALEXA BLISS!, TYLER BREEZE, & EC III BACKSTAGE- HORRIBLE!
Apparently Tyler Breeze gave Alexa her new hair style. Do they remember that he’s supposed to be a model and not a stereotypical gay man from 2004?
Alexa brags about doing a good job as the host of WrestleMania, which is like bragging about doing a good job as Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. And yeah. If I am outright mocking Alexa Bliss!, you know this show is terrible. Alexa then tells
Alexa also put herself over for getting the SNL dorks booked in the Andre The Giant Memorial C-List Celebrity Angle, so Breeze and EC III start talking about how funny Weekend Update was this weekend (and it actually was pretty funny).
Then Braun Strowman showed up and demanded to know what they were laughing at. Breeze said they were laughing at their two friends down the hallway, who were watching Weekend Update clips. Don’t these backstage f*ckers have jobs to do during the show?
Braun heads down the hallway, where he sees a Caucasian gentleman and an African-American one standing together, holding a tablet. Braun tells the African-American that he will call him “Michael Che” and the Caucasian that he will call him “Colin Jost.” Why does the black guy have to be Che and the white guy have to be Jost, Braun? People can say what they want about Vince McMahon, but the only kayfabe racist I see here is Braun Strowman. Braun then tells these random backstage dudes that either they come out and wrestle him tonight, or he will come backstage and beat them up. Braun Strowman is a nutjob heel!
After this, we cut right to Dasha Fuentes, who has big smile on her face and says “well… the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale surely will be interesting.” WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU, DASHA?! A giant psychopath just threatened to maim two of your coworkers, and you’re just smiling away and saying this will lead to something “interesting?”
DASHA FUENTES INTERVIEWS ROMAN REIGNS- Surely “The Big Dog” will volunteer to protect these innocent Valued Backstage Crewmembers™ from Braun Strowman, right? Nope. He doesn’t care, either. What a dick. He f*cking deserved to get jumped by Drew McIntyre here.
CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS BECKY LYNCH- Becky’s promo was not only good, but actually came up with some sort of reason for why this match and it’s dumb stip are taking place: The McMahons want her to slip up and be kicked out of the WrestleMania match.
IF RONDA, BECKY, OR CHARLOTTE TURN ON THEIR TEAM, THEY ARE OUT OF THE WRESTLEMANIA MAIN EVENT: Ronda Rousey, Becky Lynch, & Charlotte Flair vs. The Riott Squad- 2.5/10
Why would WWE even book this match? What kayfabe purpose does it serve? If the WrestleMania match is as important as Steph told us then you shouldn’t even be risking any of these three getting hurt a week before the big show, never mind pointlessly putting them in a situation where if one of them loses control of her temper, she’s out of the big match!
And after all of the crap we went through! Why did Hunter & Steph insist on Becky seeing a doctor? To make sure she would be healthy by WrestleMania. Why was Ronda vacating the title so devastating? Because we needed Ronda to be in the big title match. But now they’re going to book these three in a match and add a stip to it that could result in one of them being taken out of the Mania match? And for what gain? So we can see them beat up a group of losers we just saw them beat up last week? THIS IS SO DUMB!
They had their match. Everyone knew exactly what would happen so there wasn’t actually any suspense any time they started to shout at each other. Ronda made Liv tap out, then attacked Charlotte, starting the…
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- This started off with a very good, very real-feeling three-way brawl which was quickly broken up by security after jjust enough time to make you want to see the WrestleMania match but without giving anything away.
Then they went overboard.
Becky, Charlotte, and Ronda all started to beat up security. Then some cops came and arrested them all… but they STILL kept fighting. There were WAY more than two cars’ worth of cops, but apparently these cops decided it was a good idea to load Ronda and Becky into the same car, so they just kept kicking each other while this one officer sat in the driver seat instructing them to “please clam down,” having all of the effectiveness of a New Japan referee. Ronda eventually kicked a window out. The Keystone Cops took Becky out of that car and then tried to load her into the same car as Charlotte… so of course right when they open the door, Charlotte gets out and kicks Becky and now Charlotte is loose and they’re all running around with hands behind their backs, and we get this utterly ridiculous visual of Ronda sticking her head of the blown-out window of the back seat of the police car to yell something at them, like she’s some wacky apartment building resident on a sitcom… and then Charlotte just runs by and knees her in the face. It looked f*cking hilarious, like a Whack-a-Mole kind of thing.
Like I said: They went overboard.
REALLY overboard.
Like trying to open a can of tuna fish with a chainsaw levels of overboard.
Also, with these three under arrest I guess Bryan and Kofi are the main event now and we’re not getting a women’s main event after all.
When come back from commercial Renee is insistent that these women MUST main event WrestleMania so “oh no! What are going to do?!” Cole promises to follow this story as it develops. Then he tries to plug Ronda’s scheduled appearance on the Today Show, but notes that maybe she won’t be able to do it because of her “legal status.” Maybe she’ll be able to do the show live via satellite from her house. Then she could show off her new ankle bracelet.
BOBBY ROODE & CHAD GABLE vs. HEAVY MACHINERY- 2.25/10
As with Mustafa Ali’s first name, I will not be acknowledging WWE taking away Heavy Machinery’s last names. Although there is a part of me that hops that the reason this was done is that they have someone at the Performance Center who they are going to start pushing on NXT TV under the name “Mustafa Dozovic.”
Lacey Evans came out. Even the wrestlers have learned to ignore her by now, and as we’ve seen many times, professional wrestlers are the most distractible humans on the planet. Roode & Gable did a relevantly quick job for Heavy Machinery.
HANDICAP MATCH: Braun Strowman vs. Two Poor Valued Backstage Crewmembers™- DUD!
They found some gear for the crewmembers before sending them to their deaths. Braun insisted on calling them Michael Che and Colin Jost, but I think a better name would be “Skinny Man and Dead Meat.” Five-thousand BRM Land fun-bucks to the person who can tell me which WWE product I got those names from.
The match was a stupid, pointless squash that went on for longer than it needed to and just showed us Braun doing a bunch of sh*t we’d already seen him do. Squashing two jobbers at once was something Braun was doing in 2016. We should be past that now.
IC TITLE MATCH BUILD SEGMENT- bad
Charly Caruso is in the ring, interviewing Bobby Lashley & Lio Rush. Lashley cuts a promo saying that Balor and The Demon” are one and the same and he has beaten Balor so he’s not afraid of “The Demon.” Balor showed up on the TitanTron and turned into The Demon via lame screen effects. Balor tried to look intimidating and completely failed. Despite this spectacular failure, Rush and Lashley actually did a good job of selling their concern.
REY MYSTERIO JR. vs. BARON CORBIN- 5/10
Corbin wins clean. If it turns out that Rey wins the US Title and this sets up a title match after SuperStar Shakeup I will give this a pass.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- bad
Like a total coward, Kurt Angle comes out and attacks Baron Corbin from behind and puts him in the ankle lock.
An absolutely terrible go-home show for WrestleMania. The only things worth your watching are the tag title match and the Ronda/Becky/Charlotte brawl (just for the sheer silliness of it) but neither are anything you really need to see. Also, apparently the follow-up to Ronda, Becky, and Charlotte getting arrested will all be on WWE.com.
