GRAPHICS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN AS BRAUN MAKES HIS ENTRANCE- We start off with an immediate positive note, which is that these things we much smaller and less intrusive than last week. Said graphics advertised Ronda & Sasha vs. Nia & Tamina- which is fine- and a three-way for the IC Title between Rollins, Ambrose, and Lashley- which is not fine. Rollins was denied a contractually-obligated rematch because he hadn’t “earned” it and Hunter made him go out and earn a shot again… and then Lashley comes in and ruins said match (if his actions don’t constitute ruining the match then why is Rollins getting a rematch?) and he gets rewarded with a title shot even though he didn’t do anything to earn it?
OPENING SEGMENT-started off bad and kept getting worse
Braun Strowman comes out to cut a promo on Brock Lesnar. He claims that Brock is afraid of him and alleges that Corbin acted at Brock/Heyman’s behest at Crown Jewel rather than on his own. Braun said his catchphrase a bunch and said he would win the title at Royal Rumble because Corbin no longer had the power to help him.
Baron Corbin comes out and tries to say something but Braun kept interrupting him and rubbing in the fact that he got fired, getting the fans to chant it, too. Corbin makes fun of Braun for losing to Brock in five minutes and said that Braun can’t beat Brock and always lets the fans down. Corbin also vowed to win the Royal Rumble and main event WrestleMania. Braun then chased after Corbin… something he apparently remembers how to do this week, because last week he called Brock Lesnar out, then just let Brock walk away from him.
Braun sees the Singh Brothers backstage and asks them which way Corbin went. They each give him a different answer, so he throws Sunil across the room, then follows Samir’s suggestion. Braun went looking for Corbin, saw a parking lot, and then went in another direction. Rather than following Braun’s mad pursuit of Corbin, the cameraperson apparently decided it was more important to for us to hear The Drifter play his guitar from a random nearby stool. Behind him, The Drifter has hung one of his own market-specific t-shirts. Why? To sell them to people backstage? This is all spontaneous so clearly he didn’t know he was going to be on camera, so why is the t-shirt there?
The Drifter starts to play a song about everything we just saw. In it, he claimed to know which way Baron Corbin went, and which point the camera moved over so to reveal that Braun Strowman was standing, just out of frame. If this were real, you’d think that the cameraperson would have shown us Braun the moment he saw him in the frame, wouldn’t he?
The Drifter tells Braun that Corbin his hiding in the limo, which I assume is Vince’s. How’d he get in? Didn’t the chauffer lock the door? Apparently not. The chauffeur was soon punished for his stupidity by having Braun drag him out of the driver’s seat and throw him onto the cement floor. While the chauffeur is an idiot, as Corey Graves point out, “he didn’t do anything wrong.” Your babyface, ladies and gentlemen: attacking an innocent person for no reason. At least with Sunil Braun thought Sunil was lying to him.
Braun tried to open the door to the back but couldn’t, so he walked about fifteen feet and found a conveniently-placed piece of pipe with which to smash the window… and then he just pulled the door off of its hinges anyway, so why did he need to smash the window (and no, he did not reach inside and unlock it. I went back and checked). Corbin then got out of the limo on the other side and ran away… and Braun didn’t chase him because a shocked Vince McMahon was standing right there, aghast at the destruction of his limo. Well if you were right there, Vince, WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?
We were then treated to Vince storming around silently, as if preparing himself for a primal scream, while Braun stood there, looking like the kid who hit the foul ball that smashed through mean Mr. Jones’ window. Corey Graves ominously told thus that “there’s going to be hell to pay.”
Isn’t this basically the same sh*t we were seeing for months that we all hated so much that they had to come on TV and vow to change? And now we’ve got our top babyface afraid Vince McMahon getting angry at him for ding relatively minor damage to a limousine?
VINCE & BRAUN IN THE PARKING LOT- bad
Yup. When we come back from the commercial, it seems as if they have barely moved since we left them. Braun pathetically tries to just put the broken door back into place, but it falls right down again. Vince goes on the mildest of rants before telling Braun that he is fining him $100,000. Braun believes that the limo is worth well less than that so he protests, at which point Vince takes away his WWE Universal Title match at Royal Rumble. Yes, just like that, the match they’ve been building up to for over two months is now gone.
“That’s unfair,” Renee Young notes, for anyone in the crowd under age six. Vince walks away, and then Braun flips over the limo, because flipping things over is what Braun does when he’s angry. Braun then let out a primal roar and walked off. Only then did Michael Cole, who had been silent throughout this entire thing, proclaim “that limo had to way two tons!” in his surprised voice. Kind of a delayed reaction there, Michael. Graves added some comments in, too, as Renee put on her “shocked” facial expression. Why are they even surprised? This is… what? The third time we’ve seen Brawn flip a vehicle? Fourth? Why did they think he couldn’t?
Cole then reiterated (that was even the word he used) for us what had just happened: Vince got angry at Braun so he fined him a lot of money and took his title shot away. Graves then started to stammer about how excited he was to find out who is going to size the opportunity that his presents and go on to challenge Brock because “Brock Lesnar has to defend the Universal Title at Royal Rumble, doesn’t he?” He hasn’t defended it at most of the other PPVs, so why should this one be any different. If he doesn’t have a match booked then he doesn’t have to show up (since they have long-since done away with the Thirty Days Rule).
We got a localized promo for the April 9th Smackdown (that’s the one right after WrestleMania) for which they’re already announcing matches (AJ vs. Bryan for the WWE Title, Miz & Shane vs. Sheamus & Cesaro for the tag titles). Obviously the card is subject to change, but I want to comment on this because the fact that they’re announcing matches this far out even though they know those matches aren’t going to happen seems to indicate that they know that announcing matches in advance helps draw… so why don’t they apply this principle to their attempts to get people to watch their TV show? (and, from a kayfabe point of view, it seems a little silly that they’ve got matches booked for a show three months from now but don’t have anything announced for the show two weeks from now).
RONDA ROUSEY & SASHA BANKS vs. NIA JAX & TAMINA- 4/10
When Ronda’s music hit I began to pray to G-d that this would just be the advertised match and not another talking segment. Thankfully, my prayers were answered.
After the babyfaces came out, we went to a commercial (which featured the aforementioned localized ad). When we came back from the commercial, we went backstage to see
We then heard the bell ring… and the camera inexplicably stayed on Corbin for at least another second before fading out and showing us the ring. Shockingly, it would have been better if they had stayed on Corbin even longer because at least then it wouldn’t have been revealed to us that this idiot referee ordered this tag team match started even though all four women were in the ring. This should not be that hard to get right!
This match was interrupted by a commercial for the movie Glass, which at times covered the entire screen and was extremely annoying. Also annoying was the announcers’’ (and particularly Renee’s) insistence on telling us that Sasha Banks was being/needed to be “innovative” to either take down Nia Jax (which Sasha did several times without doing anything innovative at all) or to beat Ronda Rousey.
Sasha wrestled 90% of the match for her team. She was the babyface in peril, but didn’t even need to make a hot tag. Instead, she just caught Tamina in the Banks Statement for the finish. I actually liked that, simply because breaking the pattern every once in a while makes people think you might do it more often, thus making even patterned matches feel more exciting.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- bad
Charly Caruso came out to interview Sasha and Ronda after their victory. Sasha is apparently feeling overly-sensitive today, as she took grave offense to Ronda saying that she was going to successfully defend her championship against Sasha at the Royal Rumble. Sasha got extremely angry and asked Ronda “so you think you’re the only one that can tap people out around here?” Um… no. Unless I missed a Tweet or something, I don’t recall Ronda ever saying anything along those lines, but Sasha seems to think she did. Why is Sasha delusional all of a sudden?
They then proceeded to have an exchange that wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t started in the forced manner it did, but the more they went on the more Sasha seemed like she was looking for reasons to get upset at Ronda.
DUMB SH*T HAPPENED BACKSTAGE- we saw the babyface tag team geeks lined up outside of Vince’s office like complete and total nobodies. Then Jerry Lawler came out of Vince’s office and everyone cheered because this weeks’ show is in Memphis. Then No Way Jose and his conga line went by. Then, mercifully, we cut to a commercial.
BACKSTAGE WOMEN’S SEGMENT- bad
Sasha and Ronda are still arguing, with Nattie and Bayley now getting between them and trying to get to them to stop. After they get the other two to clam down and leave in separate directions, Nattie and Bayley start to fight over whose best friend’s fault this was. For those wondering, Sasha is clearly at fault here. Then the Riott Squad showed up. At this point I screamed. Do you want to know why? Because last year alone, in the mere thirty-seven episodes of Raw after the Riott Squad were drafted to Raw, we saw them wrestle either Sasha Banks or Bayley (or both) EIGHTEEN TIMES. They also just got done with a feud with Nattie… SO WHY ARE THE RIOTT SQUAD STILL ON MY TV SCREEN WITH NATTIE AND BAYLEY?!
Anyway, the Riott Squad bothered them and said mean things. They then challenged Bayley and Nattie to find a partner so they could have a six-woman tag team match, and Nattie accepted, so now I have to watch them wrestle YET AGAIN in YET ANOTHER MATCH WITH ZERO CONSEQUENCES. They promised me change, so WHY ARE THINGS NOT CHANGING?
As we faded out, Cole told us that “the Riott Squad love to… *pause*… cause mayhem.” Oh. Is that what they were doing there? Because they sure did fool me.
REVIVAL VS. LUCHA HOUSE PART PRE-MATCH SEGMENT- I’ll get all of my screaming out of the way here.
This started off with Lucha House Party coming out and the ring announcer announcing that “the following contested is a tag team match scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, Lincé Dorado, Gran Metalik, & Kalisto: LUCHA HOUSE PARTY!”
So it’s going to be a six-man tag, right? Then out come The Revival and they cut a promo explaining why they want revenge on Lucha House Party (I’ll get to that stupidity in a moment)… and then no one else comes out! And I screamed. And screamed and screamed and screamed. Because I was certain that they were now going back to that stupid three-on-two bullsh*t. They introduced three guys for one team and two guys for the other. What else was I supposed to think?! And the whole reason for this misunderstanding was that they told the ring announcer to introduce all three members of Lucha House Party as if this was a six-man tag instead of introducing the two that were wrestling and telling us they were accompanied by the third. FOR NO REASON! THERE WAS LITERALLY NO REASON FOR THEM TO DO THAT! BUT THEY DID IT ANYWAY!
Now let’s talk about the promo The Revival cut. They’re upset because Scott Dawson’s foot was on the ropes when he was pinned during their tag title match last week against Roode & Gable… and they are upset because Lucha House Party did not try to inform the referee of this. I guess that’s theoretically a fine reason to be upset, but at the same time, The Ascension DID try to tell the referee this and the referee still did nothing. And if they’re so angry about this, why didn’t they show the McMahons the footage? Actually, now that I think about it, shouldn’t the McMahons have been watching the show and seen this for themselves? Why have they not acted to correct this injustice?
This whole thing was such a stupid f*cking idea. They did a f*cking Lumberjack Match completely out of the blue last week just to set up this match. WHY?! If you’re trying to convince us that the show has changed from what it was a few weeks ago when everyone hated it then why the hell would you do something specifically to set up a match between two teams that were having a feud that everyone hated during the time period that was so bad it made you decide things had to change? Yes, I know they don’t actually want to change, but they at least want us to think that they’re changing, right? So why the hell would you go back to something you were doing before your supposed change?
It was at this point that I determined that the only way I was getting through this show was with the aid of alcohol. This turned out to be necessary.
THE REVIVAL vs. LUCHA HOUSE PARTY (w/Lincé Dorado)- 4.25/10
A few minutes into the match, they did a split-screen so we could go backstage to Dasha, who was standing by in front of Vince’s office for “an update on this developing story of who will replace Braun Strowman as Brock Lesnar’s opponent at the Royal Rumble.” So yeah. Dasha’s a news reporter now. And this news couldn’t f*cking wait until the match was over?!
Even worse… THERE WAS NO NEWS! It was just a f*cking interview with Apollo Crews! He says that everyone is here and wants the chance to fight Brock for the title because the title means so much. Then Curt Hawkins showed up. Curt. Hawkins. JOBBERS! THEY’RE INTERRUPTING THIS MATCH TO SHOW US JOBBERS ARGUING OVER WHICH ONE OF THEM SHOULD GET A TITLE SHOT THAT NEITHER OF THEM DESERVE AND THAT WE KNOW NEITHER OF THEM WILL GET! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY?!
Crews just let f*cking CURT HAWKINS shoo him away. Then Dasha buried Hawkins so he left, and now EC III was standing there. Yes, Ethan’s debut on the main roster was in a picture-in-picture while something else was happening. Ethan smiled, laughed a little bit… and then walked away so that THE B-TEAM COULD TALK. THE B-TEAM IS HIGHER ON THE TOTEM POLE THAN EC III. The B-Team, being The B-Team, are both afraid of Brock and want the other to wrestle him. Now Heath Slater is talking, and he’s too f*cking scared, too. WWE Universal Title BURIED. WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?!
Then Dasha just faded out and Cole told us “still no update on who will face Lesnar.” THEN WHY DID YOU CUT TO DASHA IN THE FIRST PLACE?! The only answer that makes sense here is that Dasha lied and told them that she had news when she really didn’t just so she could get her face on TV, and if that’s the case then she ought to be fired.
Soon after the dumb sh*t stopped, we got a finish. Said finish was The Revival getting the win when Dawson pinned Gran Metalik and Dash pushed Metalik’s foot off the bottom rope before the referee noticed it.
BACKSTAGE WITH DASHA- again. You know… just in case something has happened in the past ninety seconds. It turns out that it hasn’t. Or, actually, something has, but they had no way of knowing that it did because Vince strode out of his office with purpose right after Dasha told us that she was still waiting for any sort of update. She tries to ask him what happened, but a hoarse Vince McMahon told Dasha he was going to make this announcement from the ring, meaning that Dasha has wasted the past thirty minutes of her life or whatever just standing here for nor no reason.
WHY?! Who told her to go there and wait for Vince to come out, and told Cole to pitch to her and the truck to cut to her? Doesn’t Vince run the show? Why did he have Dasha and her cameraperson and her production crew stand outside his door if he was just going to make his big announcement from the ring?
WHO GETS THE WWE UNIVERSAL TITLE SHOT AT ROYAL RUMBLE- bad
Vince comes out, but before he can say anything, John Cena comes out and says that he wants the shot because 1) he has ruthless aggression 2) he hasn’t left the company like Austin, Rock, and Brock did. Drew McIntyre came out and cut a promo saying that Cena’s time was up. Then Baron Corbin came out and threatened to sue WWE if Vince didn’t give him the title shot. Then Finn Balor came out and said that he is the only one of them who has ever been Universal Champion.
Vince finally spoke up and said that he wasn’t sure if Balor could beat Brock. Balor then accused Vince of never believing in him, then said he was going to change Vince’s mind. The way he decided to do this was by sucker-punching Corbin, starting a brawl. Moments later, Balor was laid out by a Claymore Kick from Drew McIntyre, making Balor look like an idiot for starting a big fight and then quickly getting dispatched. McIntyre then laid Cena out with a Claymore as well. Vince then made the whole thing irrelevant by announcing that there would be a Fatal Four-Way later tonight with these four men to determine who would get the title shot.
JINDER MAHAL TRIES TO CONVINCE VINCE TO GIVE HIM THE TITLE SHOT- fine
I did like that Jinder had an excuse as to why he didn’t come out in the previous segment (he was “tending to Sunil Singh, who was viciously attacked by Braun Strowman earlier tonight). Vince tells Jinder that he will let Jinder pick one of the four men in the #1 contendership match to wrestle tonight and if Jinder wins, he takes that wrestler’s place in the #1 contendership match. Jinder chose to face Finn Balor.
THE RIOTT SQUAD vs. NATALYA, BAYLEY, & NIKKI CROSS- 5.75/10
The moment Nikki Cross’ music hit, the only thought running through my mind was that it’s clear that the person who came up with this idea has no understanding of her character. The rest of the match would seem to prove this correct, as Nikki was your generic “crazy” wrestler rather than doing any of the Nikki Cross-specific tics she had in NXT. They had an okay six-woman tag. This being Nikki’s debut, it was, of course, Bayley who got the winning pinfall.
When Nikki Cross came out, Cole told us the following about the group of NXT call-ups they’ve been advertising for the past month: “Before any of these talents are assigned to specific brands- either Raw or Smackdown- they’re going to be appearing on both shows so we can see what they’re all about.”
I don’t understand what he’s saying. Is there going to be some sort of fan vote to determine who goes where? Because otherwise this statement doesn’t make any sense. Obviously WWE management knows what they’re all about or else they wouldn’t have called them up from developmental, and they’re the ones making the decision, aren’t they? If we fans don’t know what the new call-ups are all about yet then we’re not going to learn that much faster if we see them twice a week instead of once a week. Quote frankly, what this comes across as is a sign that WWE STILL doesn’t know what they want to do with these six acts so now they’re buying even more time before they have to make a decision but at least they’re getting them on TV.
FINN BALOR WALKS AROUND BACKSTAGE- This had no sound so that the announcers could talk over it. I only put this in here to note that Balor stopped walking for no discernable reason so that the camera could see (and the announcers could call our attention to) Lacey Evans in the background, just hanging out with Dana Brooke and Mickie James. I guess we can also put Lacey Evans in the “Creative doesn’t understand her character” category, as hanging out with other women (especially Farmer Mickie in that straw hat, plaid shirt and blue jeans) does not seem like something Lacey Evans would ever do willingly.
DEAN AMBROSE PROMO- passable heel promo
This actually took place when we returned from a commercial break AFTER Jinder’s entrance, seemingly just because WWE hates me personally. Dean is not happy that he has to defend the IC Title in Memphis or against Seth Rollins or against Bobby Lashley.
WINNER QUALIFIES FOR THE #1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH: Finn Balor vs. Jinder Mahal (w/Samir Singh)- 5/10
Jinder pushed Balor off of the turnbuckle while Balor was doing his entrance and beat him up on the outside for a while. Jinder controlled the match from the get-go due to this. Meanwhile, Cole whined about how unfair it was that Jinder was allowed to challenge for Balor’s spot and told us that it has been “over two years since Balor has had a chance to win the title back.” I’m pretty sure that he challenged Roman for the belt the night after SummerSlam, which was less than six months ago. Cole got quite annoying during this match. He seemed to think that Jinder did something wrong by trying to convince Vince to put him in the #1 contendership match, but when it comes down to it, I honestly don’t see too much of a difference between what Jinder did and what Cena, Balor, Drew, and Corbin did, and Cole seems to have no problem with any of those guys.
Jinder worked over Balor’s midsection but Balor made the comeback and got the clean win.
LIO RUSH SELFIE PROMO ON BEHALF OF BOBBY LASHLEY- very good
Okay… using Shawn throwing Marty through the Barber Shop window to push this “Glass” movie was clever. I’ll give them that.
CHARLY INTERVIEWS SETH ROLLINS- fine… if you can stand the exploitation of Roman’s cancer to get heel heat.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: Dean Ambrose(c) vs. Seth Rollins vs. Bobby Lashley (w/Lio Rush)- 7/10
This was a pretty exciting match, with the story being that Lashley had Lio Rush as an ace in the hole who kept saving the match for him. We even got pits of Seth and Dean teaming up to combat this, which would lead to an interesting tag match next week in a competently-booked promotion, but this is WWE so that probably won’t happen.
AN IDIOT STAGEHAND WALKS IN ON ALEXA BLISS! CHANGING WHILE TRYING TO DELIVER HER A LATTE- this served no purpose other than to show us Alexa in a state of undress. Renee Young would go on to make light of this. #Women’s Evolution.
A MOMENT OF BLISS WITH SPECIAL GUEST PAUL HEYMAN- bad
First Alexa announces that the women’s tag team champions will be crowned in five weeks at Elimination Chamber via an Elimination Chamber match featuring three teams from Raw and three teams from Smackdown. Alexa then unveiled the title belts, which look a lot better than just about any other belt WWE has right now.
Heyman interrupted Alexa’s attempt to introduce him. He cut promos on the guys in the #1 contendsership match until he was interrupted by Otis Dozovic wandering out onto the stage, looking completely lost. He acted very strange and spoke mostly in gibberish, other than when he reached out towards a creeped-out Alexa and said “pretty lady!” Tucker Knight- quickly followed by Road Agent Adam Pearce and some referees- came out to usher him to the back. Based on this segment, I believe their new gimmick is that Otis is mentally deficient and Tucker Knight is his caretaker. After watching this show, if I were in NXT and they called me up to the main roster, I would quit.
Alexa and Heyman stood there, looking utterly stunned. Then the bell rang and the ring announcer began the introductions for the main event even though Heyman had not finished his promo yet. He announced the stipulation for the match, and then we went to commercial… and when we came back, we saw ALL FOUR ENTRANCES, meaning that after starting to introduce the main event he stopped for the commercial break and everyone just stood there with nothing happening until the end of the commercial. Why not just do Corbin’s entrance during the commercial because no one cares about him anyway?
WINNER GETS A WWE UNIVERSAL TITLE SHOT AT ROYAL RUMBLE: Finn Balor vs. John Cena vs. Baron Corbin vs. Drew McIntyre- 7.25/10
Balor’s midsection got worked over again, but because this is WWE, the fact that he was the one who had to face Jinder earlier made it pretty obvious that he was going to win. They had him pin Cena, which was nice, but Cena then putting him over on the mic afterwards felt way too heavy-handed.
This was a very bad episode of Raw; especially the first two hours, which were utterly dreadful. It felt like I was watching a 2016 episode of Impact where they keep swearing everything is going to change but they still make the same old mistakes over and over, but they’re trying to wallpaper it over by pushing someone fans like into a main event spot. I have no hope for this company so long as Vince McMahon is in charge.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Renee Young (upon seeing Corbin laughing as Braun was removed from the building)- “Baron Corbin’s the guy that caused all this. This is all his fault.”
No it’s not! What did Corbin say that necessitated Braun chasing him around? Certainly nothing that should have made Braun angry enough to go causing property damage in an effort to get at Corbin. This is Braun’s own fault for not controlling his temper.
2. Michael Cole (after Sasha Banks made Tamina tap out with the Banks Statement)- “So we’ve learned now over the past two weeks: Ronda Rousey isn’t the only one around here with a submission move.”
“Learned?” Sasha’s been using a submission finisher since before Ronda broke into the business.
