BRM Reviews the 4/9/2018 Raw
Posted: Apr 9th, '18, 23:11
OPENING SEGMENT- terrible
Steph is out wasting time by trying to get herself heat. The crowd is mostly not caring about her. She brings out Ronda. She wants to be friends with Ronda and says they can make it big together. Ronda hugs Steph… then puts on her angry face and turns it into an armbar. What the f*ck, Ronda? If you don’t want to be Steph’s friend, just say so! Talk with your words, not with your hands! There was no reason to give Steph an armbar.
Now Ronda is laughing. What a f*cking asshole!
This was bad not just because Ronda was a total jerk and a bully here, but because it was, in every way, a pale imitation of the famous segment from twenty years ago where Vince told Steve Austin “we can do this the easy or we can do this the hard way, Mr. Austin. The choice is yours.” And if you want an example of how today’s WWE commentary totally kills things, Michael Cole excitedly exclaimed at the end of this that “they should change ‘Rowdy’ Ronda Rousey to ‘Rebel’ Ronda Rousey.” You know. Just in case you didn’t figure it out by her ongoing feud with the people who run the show and call themselves “The Authority.”
Now it’s time for one of my least favorite traditions of the year, the “Non-Traditional Audience” speech that Michael Cole gives on the post-Raw Mania every year to let viewers at home know to disregard everything these fans say and do because they “boo who they normally cheer and cheer who they normally boo,” even though WWE is going spend all night putting them over for “having fun” and “using their Freedom of Expression.”
Cole starts off by saying “as you’ve already seen, this is a very non-traditional audience.” Really, Cole? Because the heel Steph came out and got booed for everything she said. Babyface Ronda came out and got cheered. Heel Steph made babyface Ronda an offer which the fans figured was untrustworthy and so they chanted “BULLSH*T!” Ronda hugged Steph, making the crowd think she was joining with Steph and turning heel, so they booed. Then Ronda revealed that she was still a babyface after all and attacked heel Steph, so they cheered. How could they possibly be any less non-traditional than that?
After we were given the standard ‘warning’ about these passionate but “non-traditional” (or, as Lance Storm correctly translated it one year, “non-obedient”) fans, Graves assured us that WWE loves that this crowd does this sort of thing, a lie that is exposed by the mere fact that this very speech is being given.
For more on this, check out my rant from last year’s post-Raw Mania, but for this year I will add the following: all of this could very easily be avoided if WWE just changed their schedule up and didn’t run the same city the night after Mania! If you don’t want these fans to follow, go where they’re not so it’s harder for them to follow you around!
We’re getting another Superstar Shake-Up next week on both shows, so it will almost certainly suffer from the exact same problems as last years. And, as I pointed out, those problems did cause problems to storylines throughout the year. But this is WWE, so of course they haven’t learned their lesson.
NIA JAX, ALEXA BLISS!, & MICKIE JAMES SEGMENT- annoying
Why is Nia Jax getting cheered? I thought this was supposed to be a smart crowd. Nia is a terrible promo and is dangerous in the ring. Shouldn’t you be booing her?
Oh dear Lord now they’re chanting “YOU DESERVE IT!” at her. “Deserve” it? For what? I’m sorry for being blunt here, but the fact of the matter is that Nia Jax was given the title because she is large. That’s it. Maybe being The Rock’s cousin is a distant number two, but the reason Nia was put in the spot she was put in is simply because she is large. That is a matter of happenstance; not one of effort or talent. I’m not saying I don’t see the logic in the reason why they put the belt on Nia, or even that I don’t think it was the right thing to do (I would have built it up much differently, though). But to say that Nia has done something to “deserve” this title is utterly outlandish.
The whole reason that Nia was out here was that we were told we were going to see a tag team match, so Nia gets introduced first… and then Alexa Bliss! & Mickie James are introduced. Um… what happened to Nia’s partner?
Alexa points out that Ronda Rousey is a bully. She then cut a promo making fun of Nia and making the an excuse for her loss last night by claiming that she was so distressed by Nia’s totally unprovoked assault on Mickie before the match.
Alexa says that Nia has no friends. The people are booing Alexa and cheering Nia. Wow. Maybe Graves was right about the crowd booing who they would normally cheer and cheering who they would normally boo.
Only now does Nia introduce her partner for tonight, Ember Moon. This is the sort of thing that bugs me because they could have done the same exact thing in a different order and it would have avoided the illogical pissing on standard conventions. There was no reason Alexa and Mickie couldn’t have come out first and cut their promo, then Nia could have come out and introduced Ember as her partner. Alexa’s promo still makes sense, Nia gets to interrupt Alexa, and you still get Ember, the surprise, coming out last, but this way you wouldn’t have inexplicably changed interrupted introducing the first team in order to introduce the entire second team and then come back and finish the first team.
Michael Cole puts Ember Moon over as an example of the post-Mania Raw being “full of surprises,” but I’m pretty sure Ember getting called up was the one thing every saw coming, with the only question being whether she would wind up on Raw or Smackdown, and I think most people would have assumed she would wind up on Raw, both because they need to replace Sasha when she turns heel and because Smackdown already has an African-American babyface while Sasha turning means Raw is losing theirs.
NIA JAX & EMBER MOON vs. ALEXA BLISS! & MICKIE JAMES- 3/10
Graves wonders if Alexa and/or Mickie have been “lobbying” to go to Smackdown in the Superstar Shake-Up, so (at least for this segment) the implication is that the GMs have control over everything. The match was short and meh, but they made Ember look as strong as possible by having her pin Alexa cleanly, and Nia worked the crowd shockingly well as a babyface. If she learns to cut a promo, stops hurting her opponents, and starts using a chokeslam as a finisher I might even cheer for her one day.
KURT ANGLE IS ON HIS PHONE BACKSTAGE- he tells the person he’s talking to (although in reality he’s really talking to us viewers, which is why this phone call gimmick is so annoying) that “Ember Moon is just the spark the women’s division needs.” Yup. Not Ronda Rousey. Ember Moon is the one who is going to make things more important and exciting.
KURT ANGLE & BRAUN STROWMAN BACKSTAGE-
Kurt congratulates Braun on winning the tag titles and says “your partner last night was… a surprise. But I guess I should have known better.”
Yeah, Kurt you should have “known better.” You should have known better than to LET AN UNTRAINED MINOR COMPETE IN A WWE MATCH! WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU COME OUT AND STOP IT FROM HAPPENING?!
The kid is there tonight, backstage with Braun and holding the titles. Braun says he and Nicholas the Fourth Grader are vacating the tag titles “because of a scheduling conflict.” Okay, WWE: you want me to accept your dumb angle then fine. I will. If Nicholas was a perfectly legitimate competitor in last night’s match, then what, exactly, is the “scheduling conflict” preventing him from defending the tag titles? Is he attending fourth grade in a night school that meets seven days a week? Because if he isn’t, then why can’t he defend the titles on Raw or on weekend house shows? And if Brock can be given a contract allowing him to ignore the Thirty Days Rule simply because he doesn’t want to show up to work very often then surely an exception can be made for young Nicholas here to wrestle a similar schedule for the much more legitimate reason of completing his basic schooling. Or, hell… clearly he doesn’t have a scheduling conflict tonight because he’s here right now, so why not at least have a chance of the lineage of the title remaining unbroken by booking a title defense for tonight? EVEN WHEN YOU TRY TO PLAY ALONG WITH THIS STORYLINE’S STUPIDITY, IT’S STILL STUPID!
NO WAY JOSE VIDEO PACKAGE- I totally forgot he existed, but I popped for the video package. He debuts next.
NO WAY JOSE vs. JOHN SKYLER- squash
Jose has a big conga line with him.
Here’s the problem with those damn cosplayer fans at the shows: I just saw a blonde woman in a black leather jacket and a Ronda Rousey shirt but her hair is way different than Ronda’s and I now don’t know if I should bury her for being a lazy cosplayer (don’t get me started on last night’s mustached Undertaker) or if she just happens to be a blonde woman who is a Ronda fan and also happens to own a black leather jacket.
ANGLE, SHEAMUS, & CESARO NEXT WEEK- this is what is happening with the tag titles: there will be a four-team mini-tournament over the next few weeks with the winners facing Sheamus & Cesaro at Greatest Royal Rumble to crown new champions.
TAG TEAM ELIMINATOR MATCH: The Revival vs. Gallows & Anderson- 4.25/10
“Tag Team Eliminator” is the dumb name they’ve given to this little tournament because everything in WWE must have a dumb name. They immediately damage the tournament by not even waiting for the commercial to end to start off the first match, never mind giving the two teams entrances so they can look like stars. Rather than saying that the belts have been vacated, Cole made a point of telling us they were being “held in abeyance.” Normally I would think this is WWE just trying to sound smart, but honestly I think this might just be another Vince tick, like how all hospitals now must be “local medical facilities.”
These guys had a very good match for the time they were given. The Revival won.
IC TITLE SEGMENT-
Rollins comes out and notes that now every member of The Shield has won the grand slam. Balor comes out and points out that he wasn’t the guy who got pinned last night so he wants a title shot. This would have been a lot better if Rollins hadn’t beaten Balor clean in the middle of the ring last week. Seth says he’d be happy to defend against Balor.
Miz showed up and put his foot in his mouth about needing the Miz-tourage’s help to win. Miz says he is “a changed man” now that he has a daughter, and tells us all that he and Maryse have named their daughter “Monroe Skye.” Umm… do they realize Monroe is a man’s name (and a very old-fashioned one at that)? Miz says that Maryse told him that when he lost the title to Rollins, it made the kid cry… so he blames Rollins for making his daughter cry. That was great.
Or it would have been if it had ended there. There was more making a total goof of Miz. Rollins poured it on, to the point of coming off like a total jerk. Miz points out that Balor isn’t owed everything, but he has a rematch clause. Rollins suggests they do it right here, right now. Miz asks the fans if they want to see it and they cheer, so of course Miz says no. He announces that he will be invoking his rematch clause at Backlash.
Miz challenges Rollins and Balor to face him and the Miz-tourage three-on-two tonight. The fans responded to this by cheering for comedy jobber loser Curtis Axel. Thankfully someone backstage thought on their feet and sent Jeff Hardy out to distract the crowd, saving me from punching a hole in my wall. Miz-tourage ran away. After the commercial we would learn that Kurt had booked this match for later tonight. For those wondering, Jeff Hardy is decidedly not broken or woken or any other kind of oken.
SASHA BANKS vs. MANDY ROSE (w/Absolution)- 3.75/10
Full disclosure: I made a Freudian slip and accidentally typed “Mandy Leon” instead of Mandy Rose the first time. Mandy Rose is a better worker and a better promo and better-looking, so I hereby apologize to Mandy Rose for this (and G-d damn are those first two parts a major indictment of ROH’s wrestling school or what?).
Bayley surprised everyone by coming out to be in Sasha’s corner. Sasha didn’t seem to trust her. The did a spot where Mandy shoved Bayley on the outside so Bayley threw a clothesline at her but Mandy ducked and Bayley hit Sasha. After a stare-down with Bayley, Sasha tried to get back in the ring but Mandy Rose nailed her in the face with a flying knee for the win.
PAIGE ANNOUNCES HER RETIREMENT- She gave an amazing and wonderfully emotional speech, but the placement of it in the show was odd, doing it right after the previous angle where she had been a very clear heel.
THE DRIFTER SINGS- this might have been his best one ever.
LASHLEY IS BACK! Obviously they did a bad job at keeping this surprise, because someone had a sign that literally said just that. But if you’re trying to claim the show is unpredictable and full of surprises, why the hell would you show that sign on TV?
The Drifter tried to attack Lashley so Lashley hit him with a swinging neckbreaker, then gave him one of the most delayed delayed vertical suplexes in history.
KURT ANGLE, KEVIN OWENS, & SAMI ZAYN BACKSTAGE- silly
They want a job. After some back and forth about why their issues with the authority figures on Smackdown wouldn’t be repeated on Raw, Kurt tells them “my tag team division is full, but I hear TNA is hiring.” That got the single loudest gasp I have heard on WWE TV since Punk’s big promo. They appeal to his sense of compassion, and Kurt finally tells them that he only has one roster spot left, so they can fight for it tonight.
You only have one spot left, Kurt? Okay… so fire Curt Hawkins and free up another one! Curt has won fewer matches than you have in WWE since each of you began your current run in WWE, and you’ve only even wrestled three matches! You’ve got two main event talents that want to come to your show. CUT THE JOBBER!
HEATH SLATER & RHYNO PROMO- they’re sad they’re not in the Tag Team Eliminator so they make an open challenge. It is answered by… THE AUTHORS OF PAIN! Why the hell aren’t AOP in the Tag Team Eliminator?
HEATH SLATER & RHYNO vs. THE AUTHORS OF PAIN (w/Paul Ellering)- squash
The interesting part of this is that AOP seemed to ditch Ellering after the match.
They announced that Roman will be challenging Brock for the Universal Title in a Cage Match at Greatest Royal Rumble. There was no explanation of any sort for why Roman was getting a rematch or why this was a Cage Match.
ROMAN REIGNS PROMO- terrible.
Everyone booed him. Then he proceeded to cut a very weird promo. It was a worked-shoot, but one of those extremely stupid ones that wants you to think the business is both a shoot and a work at the same time. From what I gather, Roman is saying that Brock got the WrestleMania finish changed and this new title match, and everyone knew about it all except for him. He says that Vince didn’t “smarten [him] up,” but the problem with that statement is that obviously Vince did, or else I’m supposed to believe that Roman went to the ring last night thinking he was going to win the title but he was legitimately too weak to kick out on the finish. But then he says that if he keeps getting booked against Brock, he’ll win the title from him at some point. Like I said, this made no sense.
SAMOA JOE & ROMAN REIGNS SEGMENT- Samoa Joe returned from his injury and cut an AWESOME promo on Roman. Apparently he’s facing Roman at Backlash.
TAG TEAM ELIMINATOR MATCH: Titus worldwide (w/Dana Brooke) vs. MATT HARDY & BRAY WYATT- 3.5/10
You’ve heard of Team Hell No, but tonight we were introduced to the pairing I have dubbed “Team PLEASE, G-D, MAKE IT STOP!” Unfortunately, they won.
WINNER GETS A RAW CONTRACT: Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn- 7.5/10
They both fought their hearts out but wind-up with a double-TKO so no one gets hired. In what was an utterly hilarious moment, WWE’s first-ever on-air mention of TNA combined with this finish, leads to the fans chanting “TNA!” I’m sure Vince as having a conniption backstage.
JEFF BUMPS INTO WOKEN MATT BACKSTAGE- they f*ck around. Matt introduces Jeff to his new friend Bray, who calls Jeff Brother Nero and they hug. The best part of this was the pull-back to Rollins and Balor staring at Jeff with a “WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?!” look on their faces.
THE MIZ & THE MIZ-TOURAGE vs. FINN BALOR, SETH ROLLINS, & JEFF HARDY- 7.25/10
Rollins pins Miz rather than one of the jobbers, which was the single worst possible finish in this match because Miz is the #1 contender for Rollins’ title. Then the babyfaces all beat up Miz’s friends for no reason at all.
Michael Cole flat-out said that the Superstar Shake-up works with the GMs sitting down and making trades.
This was a meh episode of Raw the booking was bad, and although it had some of the excitement of a post-Mania Raw, it didn’t feel as exciting as usual.
Steph is out wasting time by trying to get herself heat. The crowd is mostly not caring about her. She brings out Ronda. She wants to be friends with Ronda and says they can make it big together. Ronda hugs Steph… then puts on her angry face and turns it into an armbar. What the f*ck, Ronda? If you don’t want to be Steph’s friend, just say so! Talk with your words, not with your hands! There was no reason to give Steph an armbar.
Now Ronda is laughing. What a f*cking asshole!
This was bad not just because Ronda was a total jerk and a bully here, but because it was, in every way, a pale imitation of the famous segment from twenty years ago where Vince told Steve Austin “we can do this the easy or we can do this the hard way, Mr. Austin. The choice is yours.” And if you want an example of how today’s WWE commentary totally kills things, Michael Cole excitedly exclaimed at the end of this that “they should change ‘Rowdy’ Ronda Rousey to ‘Rebel’ Ronda Rousey.” You know. Just in case you didn’t figure it out by her ongoing feud with the people who run the show and call themselves “The Authority.”
Now it’s time for one of my least favorite traditions of the year, the “Non-Traditional Audience” speech that Michael Cole gives on the post-Raw Mania every year to let viewers at home know to disregard everything these fans say and do because they “boo who they normally cheer and cheer who they normally boo,” even though WWE is going spend all night putting them over for “having fun” and “using their Freedom of Expression.”
Cole starts off by saying “as you’ve already seen, this is a very non-traditional audience.” Really, Cole? Because the heel Steph came out and got booed for everything she said. Babyface Ronda came out and got cheered. Heel Steph made babyface Ronda an offer which the fans figured was untrustworthy and so they chanted “BULLSH*T!” Ronda hugged Steph, making the crowd think she was joining with Steph and turning heel, so they booed. Then Ronda revealed that she was still a babyface after all and attacked heel Steph, so they cheered. How could they possibly be any less non-traditional than that?
After we were given the standard ‘warning’ about these passionate but “non-traditional” (or, as Lance Storm correctly translated it one year, “non-obedient”) fans, Graves assured us that WWE loves that this crowd does this sort of thing, a lie that is exposed by the mere fact that this very speech is being given.
For more on this, check out my rant from last year’s post-Raw Mania, but for this year I will add the following: all of this could very easily be avoided if WWE just changed their schedule up and didn’t run the same city the night after Mania! If you don’t want these fans to follow, go where they’re not so it’s harder for them to follow you around!
We’re getting another Superstar Shake-Up next week on both shows, so it will almost certainly suffer from the exact same problems as last years. And, as I pointed out, those problems did cause problems to storylines throughout the year. But this is WWE, so of course they haven’t learned their lesson.
NIA JAX, ALEXA BLISS!, & MICKIE JAMES SEGMENT- annoying
Why is Nia Jax getting cheered? I thought this was supposed to be a smart crowd. Nia is a terrible promo and is dangerous in the ring. Shouldn’t you be booing her?
Oh dear Lord now they’re chanting “YOU DESERVE IT!” at her. “Deserve” it? For what? I’m sorry for being blunt here, but the fact of the matter is that Nia Jax was given the title because she is large. That’s it. Maybe being The Rock’s cousin is a distant number two, but the reason Nia was put in the spot she was put in is simply because she is large. That is a matter of happenstance; not one of effort or talent. I’m not saying I don’t see the logic in the reason why they put the belt on Nia, or even that I don’t think it was the right thing to do (I would have built it up much differently, though). But to say that Nia has done something to “deserve” this title is utterly outlandish.
The whole reason that Nia was out here was that we were told we were going to see a tag team match, so Nia gets introduced first… and then Alexa Bliss! & Mickie James are introduced. Um… what happened to Nia’s partner?
Alexa points out that Ronda Rousey is a bully. She then cut a promo making fun of Nia and making the an excuse for her loss last night by claiming that she was so distressed by Nia’s totally unprovoked assault on Mickie before the match.
Alexa says that Nia has no friends. The people are booing Alexa and cheering Nia. Wow. Maybe Graves was right about the crowd booing who they would normally cheer and cheering who they would normally boo.
Only now does Nia introduce her partner for tonight, Ember Moon. This is the sort of thing that bugs me because they could have done the same exact thing in a different order and it would have avoided the illogical pissing on standard conventions. There was no reason Alexa and Mickie couldn’t have come out first and cut their promo, then Nia could have come out and introduced Ember as her partner. Alexa’s promo still makes sense, Nia gets to interrupt Alexa, and you still get Ember, the surprise, coming out last, but this way you wouldn’t have inexplicably changed interrupted introducing the first team in order to introduce the entire second team and then come back and finish the first team.
Michael Cole puts Ember Moon over as an example of the post-Mania Raw being “full of surprises,” but I’m pretty sure Ember getting called up was the one thing every saw coming, with the only question being whether she would wind up on Raw or Smackdown, and I think most people would have assumed she would wind up on Raw, both because they need to replace Sasha when she turns heel and because Smackdown already has an African-American babyface while Sasha turning means Raw is losing theirs.
NIA JAX & EMBER MOON vs. ALEXA BLISS! & MICKIE JAMES- 3/10
Graves wonders if Alexa and/or Mickie have been “lobbying” to go to Smackdown in the Superstar Shake-Up, so (at least for this segment) the implication is that the GMs have control over everything. The match was short and meh, but they made Ember look as strong as possible by having her pin Alexa cleanly, and Nia worked the crowd shockingly well as a babyface. If she learns to cut a promo, stops hurting her opponents, and starts using a chokeslam as a finisher I might even cheer for her one day.
KURT ANGLE IS ON HIS PHONE BACKSTAGE- he tells the person he’s talking to (although in reality he’s really talking to us viewers, which is why this phone call gimmick is so annoying) that “Ember Moon is just the spark the women’s division needs.” Yup. Not Ronda Rousey. Ember Moon is the one who is going to make things more important and exciting.
KURT ANGLE & BRAUN STROWMAN BACKSTAGE-
Kurt congratulates Braun on winning the tag titles and says “your partner last night was… a surprise. But I guess I should have known better.”
Yeah, Kurt you should have “known better.” You should have known better than to LET AN UNTRAINED MINOR COMPETE IN A WWE MATCH! WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU COME OUT AND STOP IT FROM HAPPENING?!
The kid is there tonight, backstage with Braun and holding the titles. Braun says he and Nicholas the Fourth Grader are vacating the tag titles “because of a scheduling conflict.” Okay, WWE: you want me to accept your dumb angle then fine. I will. If Nicholas was a perfectly legitimate competitor in last night’s match, then what, exactly, is the “scheduling conflict” preventing him from defending the tag titles? Is he attending fourth grade in a night school that meets seven days a week? Because if he isn’t, then why can’t he defend the titles on Raw or on weekend house shows? And if Brock can be given a contract allowing him to ignore the Thirty Days Rule simply because he doesn’t want to show up to work very often then surely an exception can be made for young Nicholas here to wrestle a similar schedule for the much more legitimate reason of completing his basic schooling. Or, hell… clearly he doesn’t have a scheduling conflict tonight because he’s here right now, so why not at least have a chance of the lineage of the title remaining unbroken by booking a title defense for tonight? EVEN WHEN YOU TRY TO PLAY ALONG WITH THIS STORYLINE’S STUPIDITY, IT’S STILL STUPID!
NO WAY JOSE VIDEO PACKAGE- I totally forgot he existed, but I popped for the video package. He debuts next.
NO WAY JOSE vs. JOHN SKYLER- squash
Jose has a big conga line with him.
Here’s the problem with those damn cosplayer fans at the shows: I just saw a blonde woman in a black leather jacket and a Ronda Rousey shirt but her hair is way different than Ronda’s and I now don’t know if I should bury her for being a lazy cosplayer (don’t get me started on last night’s mustached Undertaker) or if she just happens to be a blonde woman who is a Ronda fan and also happens to own a black leather jacket.
ANGLE, SHEAMUS, & CESARO NEXT WEEK- this is what is happening with the tag titles: there will be a four-team mini-tournament over the next few weeks with the winners facing Sheamus & Cesaro at Greatest Royal Rumble to crown new champions.
TAG TEAM ELIMINATOR MATCH: The Revival vs. Gallows & Anderson- 4.25/10
“Tag Team Eliminator” is the dumb name they’ve given to this little tournament because everything in WWE must have a dumb name. They immediately damage the tournament by not even waiting for the commercial to end to start off the first match, never mind giving the two teams entrances so they can look like stars. Rather than saying that the belts have been vacated, Cole made a point of telling us they were being “held in abeyance.” Normally I would think this is WWE just trying to sound smart, but honestly I think this might just be another Vince tick, like how all hospitals now must be “local medical facilities.”
These guys had a very good match for the time they were given. The Revival won.
IC TITLE SEGMENT-
Rollins comes out and notes that now every member of The Shield has won the grand slam. Balor comes out and points out that he wasn’t the guy who got pinned last night so he wants a title shot. This would have been a lot better if Rollins hadn’t beaten Balor clean in the middle of the ring last week. Seth says he’d be happy to defend against Balor.
Miz showed up and put his foot in his mouth about needing the Miz-tourage’s help to win. Miz says he is “a changed man” now that he has a daughter, and tells us all that he and Maryse have named their daughter “Monroe Skye.” Umm… do they realize Monroe is a man’s name (and a very old-fashioned one at that)? Miz says that Maryse told him that when he lost the title to Rollins, it made the kid cry… so he blames Rollins for making his daughter cry. That was great.
Or it would have been if it had ended there. There was more making a total goof of Miz. Rollins poured it on, to the point of coming off like a total jerk. Miz points out that Balor isn’t owed everything, but he has a rematch clause. Rollins suggests they do it right here, right now. Miz asks the fans if they want to see it and they cheer, so of course Miz says no. He announces that he will be invoking his rematch clause at Backlash.
Miz challenges Rollins and Balor to face him and the Miz-tourage three-on-two tonight. The fans responded to this by cheering for comedy jobber loser Curtis Axel. Thankfully someone backstage thought on their feet and sent Jeff Hardy out to distract the crowd, saving me from punching a hole in my wall. Miz-tourage ran away. After the commercial we would learn that Kurt had booked this match for later tonight. For those wondering, Jeff Hardy is decidedly not broken or woken or any other kind of oken.
SASHA BANKS vs. MANDY ROSE (w/Absolution)- 3.75/10
Full disclosure: I made a Freudian slip and accidentally typed “Mandy Leon” instead of Mandy Rose the first time. Mandy Rose is a better worker and a better promo and better-looking, so I hereby apologize to Mandy Rose for this (and G-d damn are those first two parts a major indictment of ROH’s wrestling school or what?).
Bayley surprised everyone by coming out to be in Sasha’s corner. Sasha didn’t seem to trust her. The did a spot where Mandy shoved Bayley on the outside so Bayley threw a clothesline at her but Mandy ducked and Bayley hit Sasha. After a stare-down with Bayley, Sasha tried to get back in the ring but Mandy Rose nailed her in the face with a flying knee for the win.
PAIGE ANNOUNCES HER RETIREMENT- She gave an amazing and wonderfully emotional speech, but the placement of it in the show was odd, doing it right after the previous angle where she had been a very clear heel.
THE DRIFTER SINGS- this might have been his best one ever.
LASHLEY IS BACK! Obviously they did a bad job at keeping this surprise, because someone had a sign that literally said just that. But if you’re trying to claim the show is unpredictable and full of surprises, why the hell would you show that sign on TV?
The Drifter tried to attack Lashley so Lashley hit him with a swinging neckbreaker, then gave him one of the most delayed delayed vertical suplexes in history.
KURT ANGLE, KEVIN OWENS, & SAMI ZAYN BACKSTAGE- silly
They want a job. After some back and forth about why their issues with the authority figures on Smackdown wouldn’t be repeated on Raw, Kurt tells them “my tag team division is full, but I hear TNA is hiring.” That got the single loudest gasp I have heard on WWE TV since Punk’s big promo. They appeal to his sense of compassion, and Kurt finally tells them that he only has one roster spot left, so they can fight for it tonight.
You only have one spot left, Kurt? Okay… so fire Curt Hawkins and free up another one! Curt has won fewer matches than you have in WWE since each of you began your current run in WWE, and you’ve only even wrestled three matches! You’ve got two main event talents that want to come to your show. CUT THE JOBBER!
HEATH SLATER & RHYNO PROMO- they’re sad they’re not in the Tag Team Eliminator so they make an open challenge. It is answered by… THE AUTHORS OF PAIN! Why the hell aren’t AOP in the Tag Team Eliminator?
HEATH SLATER & RHYNO vs. THE AUTHORS OF PAIN (w/Paul Ellering)- squash
The interesting part of this is that AOP seemed to ditch Ellering after the match.
They announced that Roman will be challenging Brock for the Universal Title in a Cage Match at Greatest Royal Rumble. There was no explanation of any sort for why Roman was getting a rematch or why this was a Cage Match.
ROMAN REIGNS PROMO- terrible.
Everyone booed him. Then he proceeded to cut a very weird promo. It was a worked-shoot, but one of those extremely stupid ones that wants you to think the business is both a shoot and a work at the same time. From what I gather, Roman is saying that Brock got the WrestleMania finish changed and this new title match, and everyone knew about it all except for him. He says that Vince didn’t “smarten [him] up,” but the problem with that statement is that obviously Vince did, or else I’m supposed to believe that Roman went to the ring last night thinking he was going to win the title but he was legitimately too weak to kick out on the finish. But then he says that if he keeps getting booked against Brock, he’ll win the title from him at some point. Like I said, this made no sense.
SAMOA JOE & ROMAN REIGNS SEGMENT- Samoa Joe returned from his injury and cut an AWESOME promo on Roman. Apparently he’s facing Roman at Backlash.
TAG TEAM ELIMINATOR MATCH: Titus worldwide (w/Dana Brooke) vs. MATT HARDY & BRAY WYATT- 3.5/10
You’ve heard of Team Hell No, but tonight we were introduced to the pairing I have dubbed “Team PLEASE, G-D, MAKE IT STOP!” Unfortunately, they won.
WINNER GETS A RAW CONTRACT: Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn- 7.5/10
They both fought their hearts out but wind-up with a double-TKO so no one gets hired. In what was an utterly hilarious moment, WWE’s first-ever on-air mention of TNA combined with this finish, leads to the fans chanting “TNA!” I’m sure Vince as having a conniption backstage.
JEFF BUMPS INTO WOKEN MATT BACKSTAGE- they f*ck around. Matt introduces Jeff to his new friend Bray, who calls Jeff Brother Nero and they hug. The best part of this was the pull-back to Rollins and Balor staring at Jeff with a “WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?!” look on their faces.
THE MIZ & THE MIZ-TOURAGE vs. FINN BALOR, SETH ROLLINS, & JEFF HARDY- 7.25/10
Rollins pins Miz rather than one of the jobbers, which was the single worst possible finish in this match because Miz is the #1 contender for Rollins’ title. Then the babyfaces all beat up Miz’s friends for no reason at all.
Michael Cole flat-out said that the Superstar Shake-up works with the GMs sitting down and making trades.
This was a meh episode of Raw the booking was bad, and although it had some of the excitement of a post-Mania Raw, it didn’t feel as exciting as usual.