BRM Reviews the 8/21/2017 Raw (bad)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 8/21/2017 Raw (bad)

Post by Big Red Machine » Aug 22nd, '17, 00:59

OPENING SEGMENT- awesome!
Heyman cuts a decent promo on behalf of Brock. Then BRRRAAAAAAAUUUUUUUN came out and they got face-to-face, and the fans are all chanting for “STROWMAN!” Braun beat Brock up and laid him out with a bunch of powerslams. Then Braun posed with the title. I cannot wait until the next PPV to see this match. I want to see tonight, dammit!

ENZO AMORE PROMO- Enzo is a lot less entertaining when he’s cutting promos on the same dude for several months.

STREET FIGHT: Enzo Amore vs. Colin Cassady- 4.5/10
The match was going decently fine until Cass to a spill to the outside and landed badly on his knee. He tried to finish the match but probably only made things worse, as his knee completely gave out and they had to call the match. Obviously this was unplanned, but the fact remains that the way this played out was just about the worst possible thing for Enzo, as he had to stand there and celebrate this win that anyone can see was due to nothing but dumb luck, which would be bad for anyone, but for a guy who has been portrayed the way Enzo has, this was just about the worst possible outcome.

DANA BROOKE & EMMA BACKSTAGE- Emma is complaining about her bad luck. She has been booked against Nia Jax yet again. She seems to think it’s still last month and that this Alexa Bliss!/Nia Jax angle is still going on. She said mean things about Nia, who just happened to be standing behind her. Nia THREATENED TO MURDER EMMA. I’m honestly not sure why Dana was even in this segment.
Emma also claimed that she “started the women’s revolution,” which is something you should be about as proud of as claiming that you were the one who ordered the Light Brigade to at the Battle of Balaclava.

EMMA vs. NIA JAX- DUD!
Nia squashes Emma for what I think is the second time in a month.

JIMMY JACOBS SIGHTING! (The when the Drifter is walking around backstage. If someone could please identify Jimmy’s female companion for me I would quite appreciate it because she looks very familiar but no name is popping into my mind).

THE DRIFTER SINGS A SONG FOR R-TRUTH- he finally gets interrupted by R-Truth.

“THE DRIFTER” ELIAS SAMPSON vs. R-TRUTH- squash

THE MOST RANDOM SEGMENT IN HISTORY- Cena’s “free agent” thing has finally paid off. He said he was looking for a specific someone, so Roman came out. They took forever to getting around to Cena saying he wants to fight Roman. They were about to fight when of course Miz & pals came out. Miz is upset because Roman and Cena are getting pushed. Things were said. Then Joe randomly came out. He cuts a promo before randomly attacking Cena. Miz and his guys start to fight with Roman. Cena and Reigns are left standing tall at the end (with the crowd loudly chanting “YOU BOTH SUCK!”). This was all SOOOOOOOO random.

And speaking of random…

DREW GULAK, NAOM DAR, ARIYA DAIVARI, & TONY NESE vs. CEDRIC ALEXNADER, MUSTAFA ALI, RICH SWANN, & GRAN METALIK- 5/10
Cedric pinned Nese.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS NEVILLE- Titus and Tozawa showed up. Tozawa is in a suit and tie. He looks extremely goofy. Titus said that Tozawa is getting his rematch tomorrow.

KURT ANGLE & JASON JORDAN BACKSTAGE- bad.
Jason Jordan wants a match against Finn Balor. Kurt okays it. The words that come out of Authority Figure Kurt Angle’s mouth always sound completely scripted and phony. And it’s not just in WWE. He had this problem in TNA, too.

TAG TEAMS SEGMENT- meh.
Rollins & Ambrose come out to talk. They make what sounds to me like an open challenge. The Hardys come out to put them over on the mic. Matt says that they want to “revolutionize the tag team division” by having a standard tag team with Rollins & Ambrose tonight. Umm…. That seems like a bit of an exaggeration to me. I’m also not excited for this match because I have no faith that this match will not end with anything that even remotely resembles a satisfying finish.

THE HARDY BOYZ vs. SETH ROLLINS & DEAN AMBROSE- 7.5/10
Well… I guess I was wrong. Rollins & Ambrose win completely cleanly, while Sheamus & Cesaro stay backstage, watching from a monitor instead of running in to cause a DQ like I assumed they would.

SAMOA JOE & THE MIZ-TOURAGE BACKSTAGE- fine.
Miz is being annoying while Joe sat there trying to be Joe until he finally snapped and told Miz to shut up, then gave them a game plan to follow.

SASHA BANKS PROMO- she, too, seems to think that we’ve gone back in time a month and Alexa and Nia are still pals. Thankfully Alexa Bliss! came out to set Sasha straight. She points out that Sasha has never successfully defended the title, which is really sad when you consider that she is now a four-time champion. Sasha counters with the point that she has never lost to Alexa. Wow. An actual angle for a match that is based entirely on the results of previous encounters, including those not even in this feud!
Sasha challenges Alexa to have her rematch tonight but Alexa says she wants it next week because Brooklyn doesn’t deserve it. I look forward to Sasha once again failing to retain her title.

FINN BALOR vs. JASON JORDAN- 6.25/10
This needed to go a lot longer for Jordan to look as impressive in defeat as the announcers tried to push.

ROMAN REIGNS & JOHN CENA vs. SAMOA JOE & THE MIZ (w/the Miz-Tourage & Maryse)- 4.75/10
There is another f*cking beach ball. DON’T PUT THE CAMERA ON IT! All that does is put these jackasses over and give them the attention they want. It’s really frustrating that WWE doesn’t understand the role their own Raw after WrestleMania stupidity has played in encouraging this atrocious behavior.
After this beach ball was rightfully confiscated, the crowd chanted “WE WANT BEACH BALLS!” Well then next time how about you assholes spend your money on beach balls instead of wrestling tickets so that real wrestling fans can show up to the show.
Stuff happened. Roman accidentally hit Cena with a Superman Punch but the babyfaces still won when Cena pinned Miz, who I have only now just remembered is actually the WWE Intercontinental Champion. Roman and Cena have a weak stare-down afterwards.

NO BRAY WYATT! HOORAY!

Another bad episode of Raw. Watch the opening segment and watch Hardys vs. Seth & Dean if you really want to, but nothing else is even close to worth going out of your way to see.


Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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Serujuunin
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Re: BRM Reviews the 8/21/2017 Raw (bad)

Post by Serujuunin » Aug 22nd, '17, 09:19

Call me a dork, but I lost it at the Hardys v Rollins/Ambrose... I was marking out so bad!

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KILLdozer
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Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 22:54
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Re: BRM Reviews the 8/21/2017 Raw (bad)

Post by KILLdozer » Aug 22nd, '17, 20:09

Ok , yeah sure, you're a dork.
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

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