BRM Reviews the 6/5/2017 Raw

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 6/5/2017 Raw

Post by Big Red Machine » Jun 6th, '17, 00:35

BRAY WYATT PROMO- drivel. Apparently he and Roman are having a match tonight. You know, just in case you didn’t get enough of these same guys fighting over the past few weeks. In fact, Bray says that, one by one, he will “punish” all of the other men in last night’s match, so we can expect Bray to be feuding these same guys forever. Oh goody.
Roman came out to interrupt him. There is already a referee in the ring so maybe we’ll get this match over with now and I won’t have to see Bray again until next week. That would be nice. Roman gets into the ring and…
G-D DAMMIT! WHY IS BRAY STILL TALKING?!
Roman snatches the mic away from him, so now Roman is going to talk, too. That’s a mild improvement, but I still just want to see wrestling. Roman says that the dueling chants are the reason that he is “the guy.” Huh. And here I was thinking it was because he has won a large percentage of his wrestling matches. Roman sucker-punches Bray, which makes him a heel, too. Then he f*cking laughs about it because he’s a douchebag.
When Bray came back to the ring we finally got…

BRAY WYATT vs. ROMAN REIGNS- 7/10
They quickly went to a commercial because they had wasted so much time talking. When we came back from said commercial Michael Cole said that he “can’t think of a better way to kick off Monday Night Raw,” so I figured I’d help him out by making a list for him:
1. Alexa Bliss! promo
2. Alexa Bliss! match
3. Return to competition of Bryan Danielson.
4. Alexa Bliss! highlight package
5. Joe vs. Lesnar on free TV with a clean finish
6. Saskatchewan Spinning Nerve Hold (I really want to see this move)
7. Return of CM Punk
8. Minoru Suzuki shows up
9. Minoru Suzuki vs. Samoa Joe
10. Minoru Suzuki vs. Brock Lesnar
11. Minoru Suzuki vs. Samoa Joe vs. Brock Lesnar
12. Return of The Undertaker
13. The shocking news that Gabe Sapolsky won the lottery a whole bunch of times and has bought WWE
14. Matt Riddle, bro!
15. Minoru Suzuki vs. Matt Riddle
16. American Alpha vs. The Revival
17. Brock Lesnar vs. Rusev
18. AJ Styles vs. Roderick Strong
19. Paul Heyman promo
20. Jim Cornette promo
21. Stokely Hathaway promo.
22. BRRRRRAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN
23. Alexa Bliss! gymnastics exhibition.
24. Arm drag
25. Armbar
26. Minoru Suzuki vs. Drew Gulak
27. JBL is fired
28. Cruiserweights
29. Nattie Neidhart vs. Ruby Riot
30. Adam Cole BAYBAY!
31. ROH’s War Machine show up with evidence that both of them were really fathered by Braun Strowman
32. An official proclamation that Booker T, Lita, Jerry Lawler, and Shawn Michaels have all been banned from PPV kick-off show panels forever.
33. News that Heath Slater and Curt Hawkins have been fired.
34. MizTV with special guest Mike Quackenbush, who will tie up all of the loose ends in the CHIKARA shutdown/Titor Conglomerate angle.
35. Briscoes vs. Dudleys
36. AGE OF THE FALL!
37. Announcement that WWE has authorized an animated Triple H’s NXT Kids cartoon, with Botched Spot retaining all creative control.
38. Announcement that the name “Great Balls of Fire” was just a rib and the show is really called something that doesn’t sound idiotic.
39. Announcement that anyone caught chanting “TEN!” or too sweet-ing will be kicked out of the building and also have animal feces smeared on their clothing.
40. Aztec Warfare!
41. Sara Del Rey vs. Nattie Neidhart
42. DDT Train Match
43. Titus O’Neil promo
44. Keith Lee shows up
45. Armbar


Okay. I’m done now.


46. … dive.


Anyway, the Roman vs. Bray match was very good. Roman won clean because of course he was going to win clean. When was the last time anything that Bray Wyatt said would happen actually came true? If I’m Joe or Balor or Rollins I’m eager for my match with Bray.

Cole made sure to assure us that last night’s main event lived up to the hype because it did, in fact, “change the course of the New Era.” He provides no evidence for this, of course. He just told us that it had been changed.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS ENZO & CASS- Enzo is shockingly conscious. He immediately makes everyone wish he wasn’t was by staring down Charly’s shirt. He’s supposed to be a babyface. Other than that he was quite funny. Cass just said a bunch of stuff that he said last week (he didn’t attack Enzo, and he finds the fact that anyone thinks he would attack Ezo insulting. Enzo is like a brother to him and he is going to watch Enzo’s back everywhere he goes from now on). Also, they are facing Gallows & Anderson tonight.

RECAP OF LAST NIGHT’S WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH- ‘Bayley couldn’t bring herself to use the cane and so Alexa hit her with it. Look at these vicious welts on Bayley’s back that the cane caused.’ Well… this sounds like something we’ve seen about three times now.
Also, the cane shots and other injuries Bayley suffered in her less than five minute long match have are so serious that she has to miss today’s show. Meanwhile, Roman and Bray wrestled for fifteen minutes tonight after having a half-hour Extreme Rule Match last night that actually started well after Bayley’s match ended. Wow. Bayley is quite the little wimp, isn’t she?

KURT ANGLE READS HIS PHONE BACKSTAGE- he says it’s driving him nuts.

ALEXA BLISS! SHOWS UP TO SEE KURT ANGLE- Good
Alexa buries Kurt for being rude to her, then teaches Kurt some proper booking by insisting that Bayley The Loser not get another title shot after having lost to Alexa twice in a row, completely cleanly.
She wants to do her down “This is Your Life” segment for herself but Kurt buries it, saying that last week’s segment was one of the worst in Raw history. Alexa, being an excellent heel, was completely outraged at this comment (“HOW DARE YOU!”).
They follow up on that segment with Alexa and Nia from the show in the UK. Kurt says he will hold Alexa to her word and books a title defense against Nia for tonight. Alexa was worried and walked away.

ELIAS SAMPSON ANNOYS EVERYONE WITH HIS GUITAR- he sings a song burying the city of Wilkes-Barre which is where Raw is tonight. How annoying is Elias Sampson? I was at the last WWE show in Wilkes-Barre and sat their snickering, while a f*cking jobber completely buried the city to get cheap heat for a dark match… and even I thought Sampson was horrifically annoying. This isn’t “I hate you” heat. This is go-away heat.
And of course Booker T enjoys Sampson’s music.
Dean Ambrose came out and beat up The Drifter for singing about him a way that wasn’t really even insulting so much as it was to just pointing out a truth that Dean didn’t like.

DEAN AMBROSE CALLS OUT THE MIZ- Dean wants his rematch tonight. Miz shows up on the TitanTron and announces instead that he will be having a celebration tonight. Then Sampson came back and attacked Dean from behind. This was all actually pretty good.

They aired a Smackdown commercial that advertised a match for tomorrow night which claimed that it would be “the first time ever that Nakamura battles Kevin Owens.” Haven’t they faced off on the past two shows?

KURT & AMBROSE BACKSTAGE- Kurt says Miz’s people negotiated the celebration and thus it must happen, so he doesn’t want Dean to screw it up. Kurt orders Dean to leave the building and Dean does. Kurt breathes a sigh of relief. Everyone in the world knows that Dean will obviously show up to ruin the celebration aside from the announcers and Raw GM and FORMER WRESTLER HIMSELF Kurt Angle, who breathed a sigh of relief when Ambrose seemed to agree to leave quietly.

SAMOA JOE PROMO- AWESOME! Then Paul Heyman came out and he was awesome, too!
I think I heard Joe calling spots, LOL.
The way they had Joe choke Heyman out was GREAT. It made Joe look like the type of cold-blooded monster that actually stands a chance of beating Brock Lesnar.


JOE, ANGLE, & ROLLINS BACKSTAGE- GREAT (aside from the part where someone decided that Seth should refer to Bray as “that false prophet” and “that wanna-be martyr.” We wind up with Kurt booking Rollins vs. Joe for tonight.

HEATH SLATER & RHYNO vs. SHEAMUS & CESARO- 0.5/10
Short.

SHEAMUS & CESARO PROMO- meh.

TJP ASKS NEVILLE FOR THE TITLE SHOT HE PROMISED HIM- Neville tells him that he’ll go talk to Kurt about it if TJ beats Mustafa Ali tonight. This was a good segment in isolation, but I have to ask: if Kurt is going to enforce the deal between Alexa and Nia, why is he not enforcing this one?

TJ PERKINS vs. MUSTAFA ALI- 2.25/10
Short.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- great.
Neville shows up and says that he just talked to Kurt and Kurt said that TJP couldn’t have a title shot. TJP didn’t believe this and said they would both go talk to Kurt right now… and Neville of course jumped TJP from behind. Then Neville said he would give TJP a title shot tomorrow night on 205 Live. Can he do that? I don’t think he can, but 205 Live doesn’t seem to have a GM so maybe he the wrestlers are allowed to just have their own matches if all parties agree?

GOLDUST PROMO- GREAT!

RAW WOMEN BACKSTAGE- we start out with Mickie James and Dana Brooke putting Sasha Banks over for her dancing ability. This came off terribly, mostly because of Dana’s poor acting. It’s fine when she’s a heel because you can laugh at her and a heel doesn’t always have to sound sincere, but as a babyface it’s just death.
Then Alexa Bliss! showed up and Sasha was a bitch to her for no reason and walked off. Alexa tried to convince the remaining two women that they would ruin Nia’s title shot because it wasn’t fair that Nia was cutting the line. The other two shot her down, but said they would be at ring side to watch her get squished. This was pretty good (especially Alexa) but they really should have acknowledged the history between Alexa and Mickie. Now that I think about it, they never even got to have their feud.

KURT ANGLE SHOWS UP AT COMMENTARY TO SHOW COREY GRAVES HIS PHONE- They talk on camera, but far enough away that we can’t hear them. Is anyone here a lip-reader?

A MYSTERY MAN ASKS KURT WHAT HIS CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT- Kurt says that it’s private and walks out. Not two seconds later Dean Ambrose slips back in that very same door. We see The Revival talking in the background.

KALISTO vs. TITUS O’NEIL (w/Apollo Crews)- no rating, bad segment
Tozawa was shown watching backstage because apparently Titus wants to recruit him. I MUST see this pairing. Kalisto gets his revenge on Titus by pinning him using the same illegal tights-pulling that Titus did to him. I don’t like babyfaces cheating, and in this case it was even worse because Titus shoulder was clearly up.

CASS HAS BEEN JUMPED BACKSTAGE- but he found a clue in the form of what appears to be a gold chain. Hmmmm… Enzo? Enzo sure hopes Cass think so?
Oh no! Enzo & Cass’ match is next, and Cass won’t be able to compete.

MIZ’S IC TITLE CELEBRATION-
Okay, I guess Enzo & Cass’ match isn’t next.
There is someone dressed in a bear costume, dancing around with a sign that says “congratulations.” Also, now we know who will be eating Dirty Deeds at the end of this segment. Unless, of course, it’s Ambrose already in the bear suit.
The fans chant “YOU DESERVE IT!” at Miz… and the responds by burying the chant because they chant it for everyone. Excellent!
Miz and Maryse both say they didn’t get the bear… and they’ve figured it out! Miz jumps the bear! SKULL-CRUSHING FINALE! Miz unmasks the bear to reveal… ETHAN PAGE?!
Now there is a big present being wheeled out, but Miz is genre-savvy so he knows that his enemy is obviously going to come popping out it so he grabs a chair and smarts smashing it… and Maryse starts frantically shouting for him to stop but Miz just keeps elbow-dropping the thing. It turns out it was a grandfather clock that Maryse got him (“it’s timeless, just like you”). Maryse storms off in anger and Miz begs her to come back but she doesn’t.
Miz then starts going nuts and demanding that Ambrose show himself. Ambrose doesn’t show so Miz starts to cut a promo calling Ambrose a coward… and meanwhile, behind the Miz, the cameraman starts to put down his equipment… and Miz sees this in the TitanTron and pauses and figures out what is about to happen so he charges at Ambrose… right into Dirty Deeds. This segment was SOOOOOO F*CKING AWESOME! This was GREAT comedy. I was laughing my ass off at Miz throughout, and I loved the way they had him be genre-savvy so he didn’t look like an idiot, and yet still wound up completely humiliated because his own bad luck makes it so that the one time that none of the standard traps actually were traps is the time when Miz was in this situation, so he winds up humiliating himself. Wonderful!

LUKE GALLOWS & KARL ANDERSON vs. ENZO AMORE &…. THE BIG SHOW- no rating, good segment.
Enzo pointed out that, like Cass, Big Show has also reached the unteachable height of 7ft. Big Show and Enzo were very funny. The match was also short and fun.

“SUPERSTAR PROFILE” ALEXA BLISS!- good.

BIG SHOW, ENZO, & CASS BACKSTAGE- good.
Cass is suspicious. As he notes, Big Show hasn’t been on TV in weeks and now all of sudden he is here the moment Enzo needs a tag team partner? That is suspicious.

R-TRUTH PROMO- not as good as last week.

A TALL MALE INTERVIEWER INTERVIEWS ALEXA BLISS!- very good. She’s digging herself into quite the hole here by now burying the women who said they would be watching from ringside.

WWE WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Alexa Bliss!(c) vs. Nia Jax-no rating, GREAT segment.
We got the expected fun spots with Alexa being afraid of Nia but also getting pissed and slapping her in the face… and then being utterly terrified at the idea that she just made Nia angry. Devious Alexa attacked Dana and Mickie at ringside so they attacked her back… and got Alexa DQed so Alexa retained the title. They realized what happened and went after Alexa but Nia attacked them for getting her DQed. Nia went after Alexa but Alexa got away so Nia contented herself with beating up Mickie and Dana. Great segment. Now we know how they’re getting out of doing a heel vs. heel feud.

PAUL HEYMAN GETS A PHONE CALL FROM BROCK LESNAR THE TRAINER’S ROOM- in kayfabe this was Paul giving Brock advice on what to do, but outside of kayfabe it was an interesting way to have Heyman essentially cut a promo, but in a way that was different. Major props are due to whoever thought of this (and I’d wager that person was Paul E. himself).

SAMOA JOE vs. SETH ROLLINS- 6.75/10
Would have been a 7/10 without the idiotic finish. Remember those totally odd and forced phrases Seth used to describe Bray earlier? Well apparently Bray took offense to those so he made a magical distraction to cost Seth this match. Because G-d forbid the guy going into the WWE Universal Title match against Brock Lesnar be allowed to get a f*cking clean win. If you want to do a Rollins vs. Wyatt feud, why not just start it NEXT WEEK?! It’s not like you’re not going to do the same stupid sh*t every single week until the PPV anyway, so why not wait a week to start it so that your #1 contender can get a CLEAN WIN in your MAIN EVENT.

This was a very up and down episode of Raw. Definitely watch the Miz segment, though. Also, where was Balor? Also, the Hardys?


Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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Serujuunin
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Re: BRM Reviews the 6/5/2017 Raw

Post by Serujuunin » Jun 6th, '17, 00:50

I was super upset that there was no Balor!!

Also, I don't think Joe was calling spots as much as he was trying to intimidate Heyman by telling him exactly what was going to happen to him in the same way I tell the boyfriend what we need for groceries.

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Big Red Machine
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Re: BRM Reviews the 6/5/2017 Raw

Post by Big Red Machine » Jun 6th, '17, 01:15

Serujuunin wrote:
Jun 6th, '17, 00:50


Also, I don't think Joe was calling spots as much as he was trying to intimidate Heyman by telling him exactly what was going to happen to him in the same way I tell the boyfriend what we need for groceries.

I was joking.
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Re: BRM Reviews the 6/5/2017 Raw

Post by KILLdozer » Jun 6th, '17, 02:29

Maybe the Hardyz are now broken.

Destroyed?

Lol could you imagine if he just said "Destroyed Matt Hardy" instead and completely found a way around the whole thing?
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Re: BRM Reviews the 6/5/2017 Raw

Post by KILLdozer » Jun 6th, '17, 12:53

Hm. Maybe it was Cassidy that took out Amore, so Amore knows he did but Cassidy doesn't know, so he took him out in return.
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Re: BRM Reviews the 6/5/2017 Raw

Post by KILLdozer » Jun 6th, '17, 22:10

I just would love to see someone say "Whatever" and just run and kick Wyatt in the face whenever he does his stupid ridiculous Spider walk thing. Just completely no sell it. It's nonsense and it ain't unnerving. I hate how the announcers sell it. I'm really getting tired of all this WWE nonsense. I've only just started RAW and it's already been so much crap. Cole is his usual annoying. It's amazing he's literally the only one from way back then who's still here.
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Big Red Machine
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Re: BRM Reviews the 6/5/2017 Raw

Post by Big Red Machine » Jun 7th, '17, 00:46

KILLdozer wrote:
Jun 6th, '17, 22:10
I just would love to see someone say "Whatever" and just run and kick Wyatt in the face whenever he does his stupid ridiculous Spider walk thing. Just completely no sell it. It's nonsense and it ain't unnerving. I hate how the announcers sell it. I'm really getting tired of all this WWE nonsense. I've only just started RAW and it's already been so much crap. Cole is his usual annoying. It's amazing he's literally the only one from way back then who's still here.
Now you know how I feel every time I watch a Dalton Castle match.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
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