BRM Reviews the 5/22/2017 Raw

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 5/22/2017 Raw

Post by Big Red Machine » May 23rd, '17, 02:44

BRAY WYATT PROMO- Apparently the slaves of the beast are going to be liberated soon. That’s good to know. Bray is using lots of Christian imagery and calling himself the “one true savior.” I’ll admit that it’s a little dubious because it’s possible he’s been doing this for years and it just floated in one of my ears and out the other, but I’m going to count the “Bray Wyatt deliberately portraying himself as Jesus” thing as an instance of #BRMBookedItFirst. I’ve been building Bray as a false savior since day one, and the “through Bray Wyatt all things are possible” mantra was meant to emphasize that.
Anyway, Bray rambles on for five straight minutes before Roman Reigns comes out to interrupt him. Congratulations, Vince. You finally found a way to make me happy to see Roman Reigns. There are few things in the world that don’t involve me suffering actual pain that are worse than a Bray Wyatt promo, and Roman Reigns is not one of them (and, if I’m being honest, I’d take a headache or a sore shoulder if it meant not having to hear a Bray Wyatt promo).
Anyway, they both say they’re going to win at the PPV and beat Brock. Roman also wants to fight now because the ring is his “yard” and I guess he thinks that metaphor means he can just kick people out if they’re bothering him, even if he’s not using it. What a jerk.
They have a stare-down until Kurt Angle comes out and books them in a match to start after this commercial break.

BRAY WYATT vs. ROMAN REIGNS- no rating, bad segment.
They go for a bit in a match that everyone knows doesn’t matter because they’re both in the #1 contendership match no matter what. Then Samoa Joe comes out and chokes Roman out just because, giving Roman the DQ win. Then Bray attacked Roman but Joe also choked Bray out. Then Seth showed up and Joe got kicked out of the ring by Seth while Bray ate a Superman Punch from Roman… and then they all just stared at each other while music I didn’t recognize played. What was the point of this? And if you say “to make a tag match for later” I will just ask you why they didn’t just book that in the first place.

Apparently we’re getting Balor vs. Anderson tonight. That’s a HUGE waste. You have a reason to book Finn opposite some other babyfaces now! You know what would make sense in storylines and also be something people want to see A LOT more than this? Balor, Gallows, & Anderson vs. THE SHIELD. All you have to do is present it as Gallows & Anderson giving Balor the same offer they gave AJ at this point last year: “want to re-form The Club?” (And I’m not suggesting you do the exact same thing as last year. You could change it up this time by having Finn thank them for teaming with him but telling them next week that he doesn’t want their help at the PPV, and then, when they run in, he can fight with them and they can cost him the match and you can run with Balor vs. Gallows & Anderson until Summer Slam or whenever you’re doing Balor vs. Brock.)

SETH & ROMAN ARGUE BACKSTAGE- Babyfaces involved in the PPV main event backstage arguing after an opening segment meant to hype said PPV main event. In other words, just like last week. And let me guess: just like last week, Kurt Angle will show up, give them a lecture and then book them in their matches for tonight, right?
Yup. It’s Seth & Roman vs. Joe & Bray in the main event. So Kurt Angle, the guy who is supposed to be running Raw, went on the air with absolutely nothing booked for four of his biggest stars, no main event, and apparently nothing scheduled for the first half hour of the show other than a Bray Wyatt promo. That seems like gross incompetence to me. I hope WWE is only paying Kurt part-time for this gig, because it seems to me like he does almost no work at all when Raw isn’t on the air.

THE DRIFTER DRIFTS THROUGH- atrocious.
Kurt notes that The Drifter hasn’t had a match on Raw yet despite being on the main roster for whole month now. Well whose fault is that, Kurt?
Kurt books him against Dean Ambrose. Upon learning that he will get to make his in-ring debut on the main roster tonight in a match against the WWE Intercontinental Champion, The Drifter… doesn’t react at all. Then Kurt leaves and he goes back to playing his guitar.

Anyway we’re close to half an hour in and nothing of even the tiniest amount of kayfabe consequence has happened yet.

AKIRA TOZAWA vs. ARIYA DAIVARI- 1/10
Rather than getting watch this match ourselves we cut to Brian Kendrick watching it on a monitor backstage and having a conversation with Michael Cole. Okay, good, at least they cut back to the ring. This is all happening because Kendrick and Tozawa are having a Street Fight tomorrow night on 205 Live to blow of this feud that I am apparently supposed to care about because it is so important that this is the first time it is appearing on Raw in over two months.
We would occasionally cut back to Kendrick so he could turn and face the camera- and thus away from the monitor of the match he is supposed to be watching- to chat with the announcers. So basically, they’re doing the guest commentator thing that they do multiple times each show, except that by doing it this way Kendrick doesn’t get to see (and thus scout) the whole match, and we the viewers have to watch part of the match on a smaller monitor, in worse quality, without some of the sound, and with Kendrick’s arm in the way. How the f*ck does an idea this G-d damn stupid make it on the air?
The match went just over two minutes, which, once again, shows you how important the Cruiserweights are if the champion isn’t involved.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS SASHA BANKS- Sasha starts to cut a promo to hype up her match with Alicia Fox later tonight in which she disparaged both Fox and her boyfriend Noam Dar… and as luck would have it, guess who happened to be walking right by just then. They made fun of her for not having a significant other. Dar started to say something and Banks cut him off by asking “what?” angrily. Dar then said “well if you’re going to ask like that, I’m not telling you.” Banks then said “that’s what I thought” and walked away. This was terrible.

DEAN AMBROSE vs. “THE DRIFTER” ELIAS SAMPSON- 4.75/10
The Drifter tried to play a song and got booed heavily. Miz & Maryse are on commentary. The match was going surprisingly well, with The Drifter working over Dean’s arm. Then Miz ran in during a double-down and gave The Drifter a double-axe handle in order to make Dean lose by DQ in a match with nothing on the line other than the purse which, considering that Dean is a f*cking champion, I don’t think he’s really going to feel much pain in the wallet from this one DQ loss. Renee will still be able to go her hair re-styled again this week (although, to be honest, I’d hope that WWE is paying for that because, after seeing Charlie earlier tonight and Dasha’s ever-changing appearance, it sure seems to me like there was an order that came down from on high that the interviewers should be changing their hair every week now).

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Dean chases Miz around a bit. They run through the ring and Dean catches Miz and has him set up for Dirty Deeds when The Drifter attacks Dean from behind to save Miz. Why is The Drifter attacking Dean? Drifter won the match and Dean didn’t do anything wrong. He hit Miz with the Cross Rhodes (though I still prefer to think of it as the Test Drive), so I guess that’s his finisher. Has he ever had one before?

ENZO HAS BEEN ASSAULTED BACKSTAGE- he’s unconscious. Cass demands to know who did this. Cass’ acting here was better than you would normally expect from him.

ENZO, CASS, KURT, & MEDICS- he doesn’t know who attacked him. He is helped off by the medical personnel. Kurt vows to find out who did this. Cass tells him “you better hope you find out who did this before I do.”

FINN BALOR’S PROMO IS INTERRUPTED BY PAUL HEYMAN- weird.
Heyman shows up and says that Brock would easily destroy anyone in the #1 contendership match… except for Balor, who he completely puts over and is totally respectful to. This was sooooo weird. I mean… this is WWE: if they’re pushing just one of the potential outcomes this hard it has to be a swerve, right? This is definitely telegraphing a swerve. Isn’t it?

FINN BALOR vs. KARL ANDERSON (w/Luke Gallows)- 6/10
Oh come on! They push this match so hard and then they start it during a commercial? Come on! Then Michael Cole tried to sell me on the idea that “you’ve got to wonder whether Finn Balor’s head is going to be totally in this match-up after that verbal confrontation with Paul Heyman.” “Confrontation?” That was the friendliest chat Heyman has ever had with one of Brock’s opponents. He was downright complimentary of Balor. What’s there for Finn be to be distracted about? How awesome Paul Heyman just told him he is?
Cole also told us that Anderson & Gallows “have had a rough time” accepting that Finn has been so successful in his short time on the main roster while they haven’t been anywhere near as successful. Since when has this been a thing? We sure as hell haven’t seen or even heard it mentioned on TV? This felt like one of those annoying ROH moments where Kevin Kelly will randomly try to add some element to a story that has never once been mentioned and he’ll just pretend it’s all totally natural and talk about it like it’s something everyone has always known.

Anyway, the match was… fine. Not what I was hoping for. In fact, with the history that these guys have, this felt like a huge waste. They could have stuck any heel in Anderson’s spot and nothing would have changed.

SASHA BANKS vs. ALICIA FOX (w/Noam Dar)- 0.75/10
They had a short, not very good match. Sasha won clean.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- it look like Dar was going to hit Sasha but she beat him to the punch, but then Fox attacked Sasha from behind and hit her with the scissors kick.

APOLLO CREWS & KALISTO BACKSTAGE- This was actually kind of good. Kalisto follows a logical train of thought that leads him to wonder out loud if his good friend Apollo has turned heel and was the one who attacked Enzo due to their confrontation last week. Titus showed up and tried to recruit Kalisto but Kalisto told him to f*ck off so Titus said he would have Crews teach Kalisto a lesson in respect in the ring later tonight.

Next they are advertising something called “Alexa gets extreme.” I know what you’re all thinking, and you can go ahead and snicker, but I, for one, will not demean Alexa Bliss! with juvenile jokes about pornography.


WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS SH*T!?- they told me that Alexa Bliss! was up next but when they get back from commercial they make me sit through crap for this Golden Truth feud? That famous Bobby Heenan line about “comparing ice cream to garbage” is nowhere near strong enough to encapsulate my feelings here. This was like promising me prime rib (medium rare, in Sweet Baby Ray’s Honey BBQ Sauce) and then serving me raw sewage. F*ck you, WWE! Just for that, (and because it’s almost 2:40 am) I’m boycotting this Goldust video.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS ALEXA BLISS!- Alexa says that she loves the idea of herself caning Bayley. Okay. I’m trying really hard to stay flaccid right now but they’re not making it easy.
The Yankees are doing well.
Alexa’s promo was awesome, as always. She’s going to face “Bayley’s new friend Mickie James” tonight, and vows to “crush her little dreams” just like she will do to Bayley at the PPV.
Also, this might seem like a weird thing to comment on, but I liked how they went straight from the video package to Charly and let her make the segue over to Alexa rather than go from the announcers to Charly. It made Charly feel a little bit more like someone the company has real faith in rather than someone who was hired to ask the wrestlers “what are your thoughts?” over and over again and not say or think anything else. It makes her look like less of a robot (as Bryan Alvarez would say).

KALISTO vs. APOLLO CREWS (w/Titus O’Neil)- 1.25/10
I’m going to pretend that Titus wet to Kurt Angle to ask for this match in the few minutes since we last saw them.

WINNER CHOOSES THE STIPULATION FOR THE WWE RAW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH EXTREME RULES: Matt Hardy (w/Jeff Hardy) vs. Sheamus (w/Cesaro)- 6.75/10
Um… couldn’t someone technically choose something ridiculously unfair, like their opponents have to wrestle with their hands tied behind their backs? This is the sort of thing where I’d just like it laid out that the GM is giving them a choice from a list of WWE-approved stips or something like that rather than literally letting the winner choose any stip he wants.
Anyway, this was YET ANOTHER f*cking singles match in this feud. At least there was something on the line this time, but I’ve still seen it so many times that I’m finding it very hard to get into the match. Matt won, which keeps the Hardys’ winning streak alive, but at the same time it sets up a situation where the babyfaces get to choose their own specialty stipulation for the title match.

CHARLY ASKS THE HARDYS WHAT STIPULATION THEY CHOOSE- Hardys pick a Steel Cage Match because… um…
Also, was this the first time Charly was actually in front of the crowd?

Wow. It took Michael Cole until the well past the two hour mark to note that Rollins and Reigns teaming up constitutes a Shield reunion. I figured they’d be pimping that as hard as possible, all night long.

AUSTIN ARIES vs. TONY NESE (w/Neville)- 4.25/10
They did the best they could with the time they had. I have no idea why Nese is all of a sudden in TJP’s role. Did Vince just decide that he had to go with the muscular dude and that fans wouldn’t remember that it was a totally different guy in this spot before this moment? Also, why was Neville in his gear?
Anyway, they're having a submission match at the PPV for no reason other than because they both have submissions.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Neville attacked Nese for failing him. Aries didn’t care, and I don’t blame him because why would he care that a guy that he hates is attacking a dude that that guy just tried to have injure him?

ALEXA BLISS! vs. MICKIE JAMES- 4/10
Another short match but good for the time it got (the fact that Alexa won was also enjoyable). They seem to be trying to get Alexa’s big punch over in a Goto headbutt kind of way. I’m digging it.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Alexa gets a Kendo stick from under the ring and canes Mickie with it because she can. Bayley came out and got the Kendo stick from Alexa didn’t actually swing it, letting Alexa run off, instead. Alexa’s fearful facial expression was excellent.

SAMOA JOE & BRAY WYATT vs. SETH ROLLINS & ROMAN REIGNS- 7.75/10
The match was pretty great, but it was a little frustrating to see them go in the predictable direction of Seth and Roman having a miscue to let the heels win. The problem is not the predictability itself but rather the fact that it is predictable thing was ultimately so irrelevant.

KURT ANGLE & FINN BALOR BACKSTAGE- painfully scripted, but I did like the facts that 1) Finn was unhappy about not being in the main event, and 2) THEY ACTUALLY BOOKED SOME MATCHES IN ADVANCE!

A very bland episode of Raw. It had some ups (the main event, Alexa’s promo and all of the Alexa vs. Bayley stuff), but way too many of the matches were way too short and had no consequences whatsoever.


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Re: BRM Reviews the 5/22/2017 Raw

Post by cero2k » May 23rd, '17, 10:18

Big Red Machine wrote:
May 23rd, '17, 02:44

Apparently we’re getting Balor vs. Anderson tonight. That’s a HUGE waste. You have a reason to book Finn opposite some other babyfaces now! You know what would make sense in storylines and also be something people want to see A LOT more than this? Balor, Gallows, & Anderson vs. THE SHIELD. All you have to do is present it as Gallows & Anderson giving Balor the same offer they gave AJ at this point last year: “want to re-form The Club?” (And I’m not suggesting you do the exact same thing as last year. You could change it up this time by having Finn thank them for teaming with him but telling them next week that he doesn’t want their help at the PPV, and then, when they run in, he can fight with them and they can cost him the match and you can run with Balor vs. Gallows & Anderson until Summer Slam or whenever you’re doing Balor vs. Brock.)
I'm pretty sure Balor vs Lesnar is at Great Balls of Fire, so it would be just a month's worth feud, and Club vs Shield is a dream match for many, so wasting it as a RAW match would be terrible, that's a Survivor Series main event if you ask me
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Re: BRM Reviews the 5/22/2017 Raw

Post by Big Red Machine » May 23rd, '17, 12:11

cero2k wrote:
May 23rd, '17, 10:18
Big Red Machine wrote:
May 23rd, '17, 02:44

Apparently we’re getting Balor vs. Anderson tonight. That’s a HUGE waste. You have a reason to book Finn opposite some other babyfaces now! You know what would make sense in storylines and also be something people want to see A LOT more than this? Balor, Gallows, & Anderson vs. THE SHIELD. All you have to do is present it as Gallows & Anderson giving Balor the same offer they gave AJ at this point last year: “want to re-form The Club?” (And I’m not suggesting you do the exact same thing as last year. You could change it up this time by having Finn thank them for teaming with him but telling them next week that he doesn’t want their help at the PPV, and then, when they run in, he can fight with them and they can cost him the match and you can run with Balor vs. Gallows & Anderson until Summer Slam or whenever you’re doing Balor vs. Brock.)
I'm pretty sure Balor vs Lesnar is at Great Balls of Fire, so it would be just a month's worth feud, and Club vs Shield is a dream match for many, so wasting it as a RAW match would be terrible, that's a Survivor Series main event if you ask me
Good point about Club vs Shield being something that should be saved for PPV (though I don't think I'd do it at Survivor Series. Those need to be at least four-on-four, IMO). The main point I was trying to make, though, is that doing Balor vs. Anderson like this is also a waste.
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Re: BRM Reviews the 5/22/2017 Raw

Post by cero2k » May 23rd, '17, 14:04

Big Red Machine wrote:
May 23rd, '17, 12:11

Good point about Club vs Shield being something that should be saved for PPV (though I don't think I'd do it at Survivor Series. Those need to be at least four-on-four, IMO). The main point I was trying to make, though, is that doing Balor vs. Anderson like this is also a waste.
shows you how much they care about the Club or Anderson at all. That's WWE, they like to get what's making noise until something new comes up. Bullet Club makes noise, sign Styles, Gallows, and Anderson. LIJ makes noise, get Sombra now. Broken Hardys make noise, go get them. UK makes noise, raid them, make a title that is never featured. Stardom makes noise, rain the promotion now!
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Re: BRM Reviews the 5/22/2017 Raw

Post by KILLdozer » May 23rd, '17, 17:53

Bray Wyatt is NOT an "eater of worlds'.

What worlds has he eaten? Whose worlds? Which ones?
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

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Re: BRM Reviews the 5/22/2017 Raw

Post by Serujuunin » May 25th, '17, 19:13

KILLdozer wrote:
May 23rd, '17, 17:53
Bray Wyatt is NOT an "eater of worlds'.

What worlds has he eaten? Whose worlds? Which ones?
All of the imaginary ones that fuel the delusional voices in his head.

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Re: BRM Reviews the 5/22/2017 Raw

Post by KILLdozer » May 25th, '17, 19:18

Serujuunin wrote:
May 25th, '17, 19:13
KILLdozer wrote:
May 23rd, '17, 17:53
Bray Wyatt is NOT an "eater of worlds'.

What worlds has he eaten? Whose worlds? Which ones?
All of the imaginary ones that fuel the delusional voices in his head.
You might have missed the obnoxious sarcasm in the usual Bray Wyatt joke of the week.
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

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Re: BRM Reviews the 5/22/2017 Raw

Post by Serujuunin » May 25th, '17, 19:19

KILLdozer wrote:
May 25th, '17, 19:18
Serujuunin wrote:
May 25th, '17, 19:13
KILLdozer wrote:
May 23rd, '17, 17:53
Bray Wyatt is NOT an "eater of worlds'.

What worlds has he eaten? Whose worlds? Which ones?
All of the imaginary ones that fuel the delusional voices in his head.
You might have missed the obnoxious sarcasm in the usual Bray Wyatt joke of the week.
I was being silly too lol

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Re: BRM Reviews the 5/22/2017 Raw

Post by KILLdozer » May 25th, '17, 19:38

Serujuunin wrote:
May 25th, '17, 19:19
KILLdozer wrote:
May 25th, '17, 19:18
Serujuunin wrote:
May 25th, '17, 19:13


All of the imaginary ones that fuel the delusional voices in his head.
You might have missed the obnoxious sarcasm in the usual Bray Wyatt joke of the week.
I was being silly too lol
I kind of thought so...man do I love a good Bray Wyatt joke. Though the start of this week's promo about Brock Lesnar actually made more sense. The start-because I didn't pay attention nor listen very long.

Speaking of Lesnar... I'm definitely getting some "Eat. Sleep. Conquer. Repeat." Shirts at some point.
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

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