BRM Reviews the 4/10/2017 Raw (Superstar Shakeup Part 1)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 4/10/2017 Raw (Superstar Shakeup Part 1)

Post by Big Red Machine » Apr 13th, '17, 03:10

OPENING SEGMENT- didn’t like it.
First Miz & Maryse come out doing their Cena/Nikki impression. Then Ambrose comes out and they start having a segment, but I don’t care about what they’re saying because all I want to know is HOW they got here. Was there a lottery? Did they get traded? And if they did get traded, who got traded to SD?
Yeah, they both cut funny promos, but Douchebag Dean once again attacks someone for no reason, and I just saw this feud three months ago on Smackdown. I thought this was supposed a “shakeup.” Giving us the same old feuds but on a different night of the week doesn’t count as a shakeup in my book.

MOTORMOUTH SAMI ZAYN WON’T SHUT THE F*CK UP IN KURT ANGLE’S OFFICE- Sami is talking as if this Superstar Shakeup is still going on right now and they’re making it seem like there are trades, but we’ve now seen three people who, as of the end of last week were on Smackdown and we haven’t even heard it suggested that there was any sort of trade made and I’m getting really annoyed because I don’t understand what is going on.

MIZ & MARYSE SHOW UP AND ARGUE WITH SAMI- this was good enough to make me forget how annoying Sami was just seconds before. Kurt books Miz vs. Zayn for later tonight.

THE NEW DAY (Xavier Woods & Big E.) vs. THE REVIVAL- 5/10
So The Revival assault Kofi Kingston for no reason last week and broke his angle with a steel chair… and New Day is out here telling jokes. F*ck this company. We should have gotten a loud, angry promo with Big E. and Xavier talking about how of Dash & Dawson’s bones they were going to break tonight, but instead we apparently have to have comedy.
The Revival win again, but I don’t think it’s helping them as much as it could be because they’re not getting the time to have the type of matches that get them over by showing what makes them different from any other team (i.e. those matches with long heat segments where they get to really work over a body part.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS NEVILLE- I giggled when he said that Austin Aries was “not on the Neville level.” TJ Perkins showed up and they exchanged barbs. Neville rightly pointed out that TJP has become a complete and total afterthought since losing the title six months ago. He then tried to recruit TJP to be his lackey. Then Austin Aries showed up to try to talk TJP out of it.

CURT HAWKINS IS ON RAW- well this sucks. The advantage to having him on Smackdown was that it was only a two hour show, which increased the odds of him not making TV. Now that he’s on Raw I’ll probably have to sit through this sh*t every week.
We’re in his home town and no one gives a sh*t about him. That’s how worthless he is. Big Show came out and knocked him out. Snore.

Okay… now from what Cole is saying it seems like we’re not going to fight out who is going from Raw to Smackdown until tomorrow. Is it really that hard to give us a clear explanation of what is happening?

TJ PERKINS vs. AUSTIN ARIES- 3.75/10
Neville is on commentary, just in case you forgot that he is feuding with Aries between now and that segment ten minutes ago. He also distracted Aries, allowing TJP to recover and roll Aries up with a small package for the win. After the match TJP attacked Aries from behind. Aries looked like an idiot here, but I guess this sets up a three-way also involving TJP in his home state where he can get pinned by Neville so we can put off the singles rematch until next month.


SETH ROLLINS PROMO- he doesn’t know if he’ll be on Raw on Smackdown. I feel like I’ve heard this promo a million times already tonight.
He says he doesn’t want to leave without a fight, so Kurt Angle comes out, but instead of Kurt Freakin’ Angle vs. Seth Freakin’ Rollins, we just get talking. Said he’s “not here to play politics.” This is the second time he has said this tonight, so I guess that’s a thing they wanted pushed. Kurt says he wants Seth to stay on Raw and everyone is happy. Kurt goes to leave but Samoa Joe jumps Seth from behind. Kurt just stands there watching for a while before finally trying to pull them apart, but he completely fails. Where is that blonde security guard from NXT when we need her? Seth gets the best of this brawl, so Joe leaves with no heat. Hooray for WWE booking.

And on a personal note: to the guy about four rows back with that “Bring Back The Islanders” sign: if you want the Islanders you might want to start looking on the local golf courses. That’s where the Islanders are usually found during the playoffs. BURN!

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS KEVIN OWENS- great stuff from Owens, as always.
Well if the IC Champion is now on Raw, logic dictates that US Champion Kevin Owens will go to Smackdown. They could have at least given us a title match tonight to make us wonder if it would be Owens or his opponent who goes.

CHARLOTTE FLAIR vs. NIA JAX- 5/10
Nia wins. There is no way that Charlotte isn’t moving to Smackdown after all of these losses.

WWE Speak (Cole): She has knocked off many Superstars with that move.
Real Person Speak (Graves): She has won championships with that move.

FINN BALOR VIDEO PACKAGE- AWESOME!

FINN BALOR vs. JINDER MAHAL- 2.25/10
Jinder rocked Balor with an elbow to the head that looked like it almost knocked Finn out, but he was able to recover enough to finish the match.

BRAY WYATT PROMO- Dammit. Here I was hoping that the Superstar Shakeup would send Bray to Main Event where I wouldn’t have to watch him anymore. He is now on Raw and I think Orton is, too, because he said their stupidly-named gimmick match would happen at Payback, which I’m pretty sure is a Raw PPV.

A BUNCH OF JOBBERS & RHYNO ARE COMING TO RAW- we learn through a series of graphics and short videos that Crews, Kalisto, Rhyno, & Slater are coming to Raw. The booking over the past four months has made it impossible for anyone to give a sh*t about any of these men.

By my count now there have been TEN WRESTLERS who have moved from SD to Raw. How on Earth are they going to effectively highlight them with so many new arrivals? Or have we not learned from the Divas Revolution? Or, come to think of it, from the boring-ass drafts of the late 2000s?

SAMI ZAYN vs. THE MIZ (w/Maryse)- 5.75/10

MICHAEL COLE’S SIT-DOWN INTERVIEW WITH ROMAN REIGNS ABOUT RETIRING THE UNDERTAKER- Roman was fine here. Strowman then attacked him and beat the crap out of him backstage. Roman got taken out on a stretcher. The crowd chanted “YOU DESERVE IT!” Then Braun came back and threw the stretcher off of a ledge. This was very well done. Unfortunately, due its nature, I fear that the Stretcher Match I assume they are building to will not be anywhere near this well done.
So they put Roman in the ambulance… and then Braun came back and beat him up in the ambulance. By this point it became unintentionally hilarious. Then Braun left and just as I was about to type a joke about him returning two minutes later with a bunch of barrels of TNT and a big plunger detonator like Wile E. Coyote would use, Braun walked up to the ambulance and PUSHED IT OVER ONTO ITS SIDE. I don’t know if this was gimmicked and I don’t want to know. This is one of those moments that you never forget.

When we get back from commercial they take Roman out of the tipped ambulance and put him in another one. It starts to drive off but all of a sudden in gets rammed into at high speed by a tractor trailer and the camera zooms in to show us that Braun is the driver.
Okay, fine. I might have made that last one up.

THE SHINING STARS, LUKE GALLOWS, & KARL ANDERSON vs. CESARO, SHEAMUS, & THE HARDY BOYZ- 4/10

The f*cking Drifter is here, too.

DANA & EMMA BACKSTAGE- fine
Dana is reading a book titled How To Be Your Own Protégé. I laughed my ass off at that. Emma wants Dana to be her lackey again. Dana refuses because she’s independent now.

SASHA & BAYLEY SEGMENT- they have a Mutual Admiriaton Society segment until ALEXA BLISS! shows up to awesome all over their faces. The crowd treated her like the biggest babyace ever. Also, Mickie James showed up. It’s good that Mickie and Alexa are getting to feud because that would be an unfortunate loose end to never deal with, but the more people you move, the less of a shake-up it feels like because it feels like you’re drafting entire feuds rather than just a few wrestlers. Mickie falsely claims to be the only six-time WWE Women’s Champion. Um… Trish Stratus, anyone?
Nia Jax jumped Mickie from behind. Alexa pointed at Mickie and laughed. Then Jax got into the ring and Alexa shoved Sasha into her so Nia beat Sasha up, too. Then Nia beat up Bayley and said she wanted the title. Nia and Alexa had a stare-down on the ramp and Nia walked away like the coward she is. Alexa smiled and laughed being the only one left standing in front of the crowd at the end.

ROMAN REIGNS PRELIMINARY INJURY UPDATE- cracked ribs, internal injuries, and a possible separated shoulder. Braun was also apparently removed from the building. How’d they manage to do that?

KEVIN OWENS vs. DEAN AMBROSE- 6.75/10
Dean wins, which means that Owens has now lost both of his matches since winning the US Title.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- meh
Chris Jericho showed up and attacked Owens. Seeing as how Owens had just been in a wrestling match, this was not a particularly honorable thing to do.

I really didn’t like this show. The Roman-Strowman angle was great and the Cruiserweight Division gave us some news, but there was nothing else this show that felt big. They might has brought about fifteen wrestlers over from Smackdown, but only Ambrose felt like he had had even a moderate impact by the rest of the night. I also continue to be frustrated by the fact that it was never explained to us exactly how the decisions of who was leaving and who was staying were made. If it’s a random draw then fine but please at least tell me that. You’d never see anything like this in a professional sports league, and that is what WWE is kayfabe supposed to be.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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KILLdozer
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Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 22:54

Re: BRM Reviews the 4/10/2017 Raw (Superstar Shakeup Part 1)

Post by KILLdozer » Apr 13th, '17, 12:22

Where's that Newman meme thing where he says "See? Nobody cares!", When you need it?

"Bray Wyatt is on Raw now...

See? Nobody cares!"
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

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