BRM Reviews the 3/27/2017 Raw (lame)

[Big Red Machine]

UNDERTAKER MAGICALLY HACKS THE OPENING VIDEO TO SHOW US A VIDEO OF A GRAVEYEARD THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS FILMED 20 YEARS AGO- good job, Deadman. I’m sure Roman is really scared now.


WOMEN’S SEGMENT-
Apparently the Women’s Title match at WrestleMania is now an elimination match… which, of course, totally erases all of those weeks they spent telling us that this was so dangerous for Bayley because she doesn’t have to be pinned or submitted to lose the title. This is one of those moments where the stupidity of this company just kind of smacks you in the face to make sure you remember exactly how incompetent these nincompoops are. Is it really that f*cking difficult to just pick a plan and stick with it?

Bayley comes out to cut a promo but it quickly interrupted by Charlotte. Charlotte did a pretty good job of making the atrociously-scripted WWE dialogue at the beginning of her promo sound credible. Sasha comes out, too, and they start to have a segment they should have had about four weeks ago (well… they actually did try to have it back then but for some reason Creative thought it was necessary to shoehorn Steph and Foley in there and they derailed it).
While watching this, I can’t help but take Charlotte’s side. It’s not that I think Sasha will turn on Bayley or anything like that. It’s more a consequence of WWE’s poor storytelling- specifically their tendency to only push a relationship (of an kind, in this case a friendship) right when they need it to be important to the story rather than set it up beforehand, so as a result, after listening to Charlotte, I do have to admit that Sasha’s friendship with Bayley seems to have come completely out of nowhere at a rather convenient time.
Nia Jax comes out to interrupt them and holy sh*t I know you guys won’t believe this but NIA JAX CUT AN AWESOME PROMO. Charlotte responded to Nia by saying something that resulted in Sasha jumping her (meaning Charlotte), so when we came from commercial we got…

SASHA BANKS & BAYLEY vs. NIA JAX & CHARLOTTE FLAIR- 7/10
This was a really great match with lots of good heat on the babyface, but I was utterly baffled by their decision to have Bayley pin Charlotte going into WrestleMania. It seems to me like the right thing to do based on the build would have been to have Charlotte benefit off of some sort of screw-up between the babyfaces… and then go and do the angle they did with Nia after the match where she beat the other three women up all on her own and stood tall at the end.

Byron Saxton & Maria Menunous will host a “Red Carpet Show” for the Hall of Fame induction ceremony on the WWE Network. Who the hell would possibly watch this?

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS SAMI ZAYN- it’s all about putting over Mick Foley’s firing. Because Mick Foley has so inspired him, Sami Zayn has entered himself into the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale. You know… like a total jobber.
Steph shows up say that Sami can’t book himself into matches… which makes sense because he’s not the one who makes the matches. Steph says that Sami will have to earn his way in by beating Kevin Owens tonight in a No DQs match… so yeah, she’s just as dumb as Foley because this No DQs stip does nothing but give Chris Jericho free reign to interfere. And just to make the finish even more obvious for everyone, she decides that Sami will be fired if he loses. Of course, needing Jericho’s help to win will only bury Sami… and all for the purpose of putting over this stupid Steph vs. Foley angle that no one outside of Titan Towers could possibly care about.

AUSTIN ARIES vs. NOAM DAR (w/Alicia Fox)- 4/10
Neville was on commentary. Fox let us know, loudly and repeatedly, that she does not like Austin Aries face. Aries won with the Last Chancery, which is a much better finisher than the roaring elbow. On commentary Cole said that Neville uses the Ring of Saturn as a finisher. I have no memory of this whatsoever.

We get a video of Undertaker walking around in a cemetery. Meanwhile, Michael Cole speculates on what Taker is doing there. I just kind of assumed that he regularly hangs around in cemeteries.

SETH ROLLINS & TRIPLE H CONTRACT SIGNING- Hunter is trying to have a segment and Seth is just sitting there as bored as I am wanting Hunter to just sign the f*cking contract already so we can move on. The crowd is being muted because they’re chanting “CM PUNK!” Seth actually did cut a pretty great promo at the end, but that didn’t make up for the first half of this. It ended with a very good physical confrontation, so I’m going to say that overall this segment was pretty good.

OVER THE TOP ROPE CHALLENGE- DUD!
You know… because a f*cking over the top rope battle royale needs a G-d damn demonstration match to explain the concept to us. And even worse, they made it a f*cking gauntlet match. For no explained reason, the Shining Stars were allowed to enter at the same time, making them look even more pathetic when they were eliminated. Wait… now there’s three guys entering. Now everyone else is coming back in to gang up on Big Show. What the f*ck did I just watch? Why did this happen? What did this teach us?
Also, I think one of the Shining Stars didn’t go up for Big Show’s chokeslam.
Now Braun Strowman shows up and I actually care. But of course he doesn’t actually go and try to fight Big Show because that would actually make this segment entertaining. The sooner WWE drops this stupid Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale idea, the better.

NOT TOM PHILLIPS INTERVIEWS GALLOWS & ANDERSON- Gallows & Anderson attempted to cut a promo mocking Enzo & Cass. It was extremely boring.

UNDERTAKER IS DIGGING A GRAVE IN A GRAVEYARD- sure. Whatever.

“PIT BULL” WILL BE PERFORMING AT WRESTLEMANIA- I was quite disappointed to learn that this wasn’t Gary Wolfe but rather some sort of rapper.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS ROMAN REIGNS- he cuts one of those TNA promos what I hate where someone cuts a backstage promo specifically to tell us that he is going to come out to the ring to cut a promo.

NEW DAY WASTE TIME- not my time they don’t waste. I’m fast forwarding through this sh*t.

MIKE ROME INTERVIEWS CESARO & SHEAMUS- they cut a good, short, babyface promo before being jumped by Gallows & Anderson. Gallows & Anderson beat them up with a ladder, so I guess they decided that a pointless ladder match was necessary for WrestleMania.

NEVILLE vs. JACK GALLAGHER- 3.5/10
The referee made no effort to take Gallagher’s umbrella away. Also, using the umbrella would actually slow Gallagher down, thus making the move less impactful. In conclusion, Jack Gallagher is a moronic comedy act and needs to get off of my TV immediately.

AUSTIN ARIES INTERVIEWS THE NEW DAY- G-d dammit I thought I had skipped The New Day. Now they’re dragging Aries into their stupid crap.

ROMAN REIGNS PROMO- Good job Kevin Dunn. You found the one pro-Roman sign in the entire building. It’s like WWE’s version of Where’s Waldo?
Everyone hates him. His promo is mediocre. He steals Paige’s catchphrase as well as Taker’s. Taker shows up on the TitanTron and cuts an Undertaker promo. Either they’re having a Buried Alive Match, or Taker is just going to murder Roman at WrestleMania. I guess that would be a natural escalation of the stuff we’ve been seeing over on Smackdown.
Taker shows up and Roman shows no fear of him. Taker continues to cut his promo… and by “continues to cut his promo” I mean he just repeats the “at WrestleMania, you will… rest… in… peace,” part. There is something utterly ridiculous about hear the freakin’ Undertaker begin a sentence with “as I was saying.” This was the same thing we’ve seen from pretty much ever Undertaker WrestleMania feud.

ENZO & CASS PROMO- good

COLIN CASSADY & ENZO AMORE vs. KARL ANDERSON & LUKE GALLOWS- no rating, meh segment.
The match never starts because Cesarmus get revenge on Luke & Karl by attacking them with a ladder. Then they brawl with Enzo & Cass. Anderson & Gallows wind up standing tall at the end.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS KEVIN OWENS- Owens rightly excoriates Charly for not paying attention to his promos over the past few weeks. Owens then cut a freakin’ awesome promo.

NO DISQUALIFICATIONS MATCH IN WHICH IF SAMI ZAYN WINS HE ENTERS THE ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYALE, BUT IF SAMI ZAYN LOSES HE IS FIRED: Sami Zayn(c) vs. Kevin Owens- 6.75/10
That DDT on the stairs was SICK.
Joe comes out to interfere, but, of course, so does Jericho. Zayn rolls up Owens but gets taken out right afterwards. Jericho hits Owens with a chair a bunch of times.

CHRIS JERICHO PROMO- he’s got the list back, so I guess last week’s segment meant absolutely nothing.

They’ve got a WWE Network special on the post-Mania Raw crowds, presumably in an attempt to make hijacking the show seem as uncool as possible in the hopes of dissuading it.

PAUL HEYMAN PROMO- pretty mediocre for a Heyman promo, although the whole “that doesn’t work, he’s one of my people” line made me laugh harder than anything in wrestling this year aside from the banana peel spot at 16 Carat Gold. Then Goldberg came out and speared Brock. Snore.

THIS was their go-home show for WrestleMania? Well… I guess that kind of makes sense, seeing as now Mania feels like any other show this year, so I guess the go-home show shouldn’t be anything special or well-booked either.

[KILLdozer]

What's with The Undertaker's neck tattoo though?

[KILLdozer]

They really need to stop this "ultimate thrill ride " stuff.

All gimmicky titles lol