BRM Reviews the 2/6/2017 Raw (bad)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- fine
Foley and Steph are in the ring. Foley introduces Joe (on Hunter and Steph’s orders) as “the hottest free agent signing of The New Era.” Is that how it works? The NXT guys are “free agents” who anyone can sign? Then the hell haven’t either show signed Nakamura, Roode, and Asuka yet? What’s taking so freakin’ long?
They have Joe wearing a suit and tie. It doesn’t work. Joe is a guy who needs to be in a t-shirt and shorts, always ready to fight at the drop of a hat.
Apparently Joe hasn’t actually signed yet, but that is what there are all out here to do. Steph criticizes Foley’s delivery, saying he isn’t excited enough and wondering if he is jealous that he wasn’t the one who brought Joe to Raw. Yup. Joe’s been on the TV for, like, a minute, and we’ve already made it about Foley vs. Steph. Foley says that he doesn’t like the people that Joe has now been associating with to get this opportunity. Well, Mick, if you hadn’t taken so long to bring him in he wouldn’t have felt that he had to associate with Hunter and Steph in order to get called up.
Joe cuts a great promo saying that he will kick everyone’s ass. Then Roman showed up and I’m already f*cking terrified that they’re going to have him get the better of Joe. Roman tells Joe that he is “the baddest man in the WWE” and that “once you sign that contract, that means you’re in my yard.” So yeah. They’re now having Roman steal Taker’s lines to build up to their match. Because that’s definitely something that will make people cheer for Roman.
Joe and Roman want to fight but Foley interrupts in order to book them against each other tonight. Yes, Foley thinks it’s good business to give this match away on free TV. What a terrible general manager.

Bayley, Sheamus, and Cesaro are walking around backstage like they’re a team. If Bayley is going to be used as the glue that holds these two together then this is a really clumsy way to do it. You can’t just throw them together and say “they’re best buddies now.” You need to build it.

BAYLEY vs. NIA JAX- 4.5/10
The match was passable until the finish. Bayley is about to win by count-out but Charlotte runs in and gets beaten up by Bayley but this allows Nia to get up and hit Bayley with her finisher for the win. Why did Charlotte run in? Why should she care who wins or loses this match? And if her goal was to make the match longer so that Bayley might get injured then why didn’t she attack Bayley after the match?

HANDICAP MATCH: Braun Strowman vs. Four Jobbers- no rating, bad segment
I guess Braun is back to doing pointless squashes now. Oh dear Lord. He just cut a promo saying “Foley? Is this what you call competition? I warned you!” Did we fall into a time vortex and come out last summer or something?
Anyway, Braun says he is coming to find Foley. Shouldn’t he be cutting an angry promo on Roman for costing him the Universal Title last week?

FOLEY & STROWMAN BACKSTAGE- they yell at each other until Foley books Roman vs. Strowman for Fast Lane. This was painfully clumsy. Like… I think this might have been the worst possible way to do this. Braun and Roman should be pissed and want to fight each other! They shouldn’t need Mick to set them up at the PPV. This being WWE, I’m now certain the finish of tonight’s main event will have Strowman either cost Roman the match or get him DQed, so now we have a sh*t finish in our main event to not look forward to.

AKIRA TOWAWA VIDEO PACKAGE- they had Cesaro put him over huge.

DREW GULAK vs. AKIRA TOZAWA- 3.75/10
I believe we just had our first ever mention of Dragon Gate on WWE TV.
The match was great for the time it got, but I just can’t help but be disappointed by these Cruiserweight matches because I know what these guys could do with an additional ten minutes. Kendrick came out to shake Tozawa’s hand after the match.

OWENS & JERICHO PROMO- Jericho pitches Owens vs. Jericho, title vs. title at WrestleMania. Owens says he likes the idea, but he’s not sure if he can fight his best friend. They are interrupted by Goldberg’s music and we cut to him walking down the hallway. If you’re wondering how the sound guy knew to play Goldberg’s music, my assumption is that before leaving his locker room, Bill called the production truck and said “I’m headed to the ring. Get a camera crew to my locker room and hit my music now.” (This is how you know I’m in a good mood.)
Goldberg comes out and tells them that they can either have a handicap match against him or leave. They do neither, but Bill just keeps talking. He says that he accepts the match with Brock at WrestleMania.
They say stuff that leads to Owens vs. Goldberg for the Universal Title at Fastlane. I’m praying that they come to their senses and have Brock cost Goldberg the match instead of having Goldberg squash Owens. Yes. I am praying for a f*ck finish in a PPV main event world title match. That is how bad of an idea having the belt in Goldberg vs. Lesnar instead of Owens vs. Jericho.
Jericho teases facing Goldberg at Fastlane, but then does what Owens does a few weeks ago and volunteers Owens. Props to Michael Cole for pointing out that none of this is official because none of these men have booking power.

OWENS & JERICHO BACKSTAGE- they argue.


WWE RAW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson(c) vs. Cesaro & Sheamus- 5.75/10
Enzo and Cass are on commentary because rather than having them win a bunch of tag team matches, WWE thinks it’s best to have them say mean things about the champions in order to earn a title shot, then spin their wheels for three weeks of build.
Or we could have them sit at ringside and cause a DQ because why would we want any clean finishes in our title matches?

NEW DAY PROMO- they rant about ice cream. This was a huge waste of time.

THE SHINING STARS vs. THE NEW DAY (w/Kofi Kingston)- 4.5/10
Who the hell thought it was a good idea to give this match three times as much time as Gulak vs. Tozawa got?

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS CHRIS JERICHO- good promo by Jericho.

KEVIN OWENS & CHRIS JERICHO BACKSTAGE- this seems like a touching moment between friends, but it’s likely full of foreshadowing.

THE ROCK N’ ROLL EXPRESS ARE GOING INTO THE WWE HALL OF FAME- it’s about damn time.

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Chris Jericho(c) (w/Kevin Owens) vs. Sami Zayn- 7/10
Wait… Jericho won? I was certain we were going to get Owens accidentally costing him the title, leading to Jericho not doing anything to stop Goldberg from beating Owens at the PPV.
Meanwhile, the number of people who should be owed title shots due to interference on the Raw side of things keeps growing longer.

CHARLOTTE BOTHERS SASHA IN THE TRAINER’S ROOM- this was… odd. But not bad.

AUSTIN ARIES INTERVIEWS NEVILLE- annoying
Swann hurt his angle so we’re getting a five-way on 205 Live to determine Neville’s next challenger. Aries and Neville were good here. Then this turned into exactly what I was afraid it would which was one of those segments where each challenger comes out one by one. I like how they’re just throwing a bunch of guys into a #1 contendership match this week instead of using the fact that they have a whole month before the PPV to actual build something up. And by “like” I mean “despise.” TJ Perkins was huge tool then started a fight for no reason. He’s supposed to be a babyface. If Gallagher wins I’m going to throw things. The worst part about it is that I think that is their plan for WrestleMania.

EMMALINA STILL ISN’T HERE YET- she claims she’ll be here next week. I don’t buy it.

CEDRIC ALEXANDER, TJ PERKINS, & JACK GALLAGHER vs. TONY NESE, NOAM DAR, & NEVILLE- 4.75/10
It turns out of that the schmoz in the last segment has been turned into a tag team match… so why the hell did they play the Emmalina video first instead of going right to the wrestling match that was in progress?!
Neville walked out on the heels. Then the babyfaces won.

OWENS & JERICHO BACKSTAGE- Jericho wants to have the “Festival of Friendship” next week on Raw. For those who don’t know what the Festival of Friendship is, Jericho explained it as “the WrestleMania of Friendship.” I don’t know what this is, but I will be FURIOUS when Roman or Goldberg or whoever inevitably shows up to ruin it.

ROMAN REIGNS vs. SAMOA JOE- 6.25/10
I’ve got a feeling the crowd mic was lowered for Roman’s entrance. They tried to hide the negative reaction as usual. Well do you know what they couldn’t hide? That sign that said “more like Blow-man Reigns.” For some reason this made me laugh.
Joe jumps Roman from behind during his entrance. And yup. That thing I was worried about happening before happened. Despite jumping Roman before the match Joe still couldn’t beat Roman, and, in fact, was going to lose until Strowman showed up to distract Roman so that Joe would win with the STJoe, which Cole somehow thought was some sort of suplex. Quite simply, if they weren’t going to put Joe over clean, they shouldn’t have booked the match. Braun attacked Roman after the match and beat him up with the steel steps. The fans went crazy for Braun destroying Roman.

A bad episode of Raw. The only matches with clean finishes were the Cruiserweight matches, the pointless squash, and the pointless New Day vs. Shining Stars match. In other words, every match intended to further a story had a dirty finish. If you don’t know how to advance a story without doing a dirty finish, you shouldn’t be booking.

[Big Red Machine]

THE SHINING STARS vs. THE NEW DAY (w/Kofi Kingston)- 4.5/10
Who the hell thought it was a good idea to give this match three times as much time as Gulak vs. Tozawa got?

According to Meltzer this match actually only went five minutes. Alvarez had the same impression as me, which was total disbelief that that number could be true.