Then Mick Foley followed through on a threat to give us the worst thing we’ve ever seen.
Stuff happened and things were said. Most of it was even funny. The end result of this was Foley announcing that because Jericho always interferes on Owens’ behalf, when Owens defends the Universal Title at Royal Rumble against Roman Reigns, Jericho will be suspended above the ring in a shark cage.
A few issues here:
1. Roman got screwed out of the title last night, so he is getting a rematch. Good. By why isn’t Seth getting one? He got screwed the same way Roman did THREE DIFFERENT TIMES.
2. The last time we had a shark cage stipulation was less than a month ago at the most recent NXT Takeover… and in that match Paul Ellering was STILL able to interfere by dropping a weapon, so this won’t even be guaranteed to work.
3. As usual with the shark cage… why put it above the ring, or even anywhere near ringside? Why not have the stip be that the before the match begins Jericho will be hog-tied backstage with Big Show sitting on top of him? Or tell him that if he interferes he’ll be fired? But no. Instead we’re going to put him above the ring, where he can still influence the outcome (and where, by the way, if, G-d forbid, there is some sort of mechanical malfunction, this not only puts Jericho at extra risk, but Roman, Owens, and the referee as well).
And if you think that last one is me thinking too hard, when Jericho asked Foley how he planned to make him get in the shark cage in the first place, Mick responded by saying that if Jericho doesn’t comply, Mick will make sure that Jericho “will never set foot in a WWE ring again.” So why not just tell him that if he interferes in the match in any way then he won’t set foot in a WWE ring again?!
Anyway, the segment continued and wound up actually being pretty funny. I actually thought that Owens was the real star here, playing the heel but also managing to serve as something of straight-man for the more over the top performances of Jericho and Foley.
COLIN CASSADY PROMO- he claimed that Rusev “took the coward’s way out” last night, but I could have sworn that Cass was the one who chose to get counted out instead of returning to the match.
RUSEV (w/Lana) vs. COLIN CASSADY (w/Enzo Amore)- DUD!
Cass quickly got DQed for not breaking on five in the corner. Cass illegally beats on Rusev while his small friend Enzo- who is the one whose fault this all is and who is the one who really should be doing his own fighting himself- trash-talked Rusev while Rusev’s wife looked on helplessly. Enzo & Cass are supposed to be the babyfaces.
SASHA BANKS & NIA JAX SEGMENT- good segment.
Sasha is walking with a crutch and her knee is all taped up. She is being a good sport about her loss and asks Charlotte to come out so she can congratulate her. Instead Nia Jax came out, kicked her crutch away and beat her up a bit.
FOLEY, SHEAMUS, & CESARO BACKSTAGE- they’re back to not getting along. Mick came off like a huge tool trying to take credit for getting them to work together. Mick revealed the new WWE Raw Tag Team Championship belts, which are the same as the current belts but the plate is the same color as the Smackdown versions and the strap is red. Apparently having the same design on the plate, but in a different color and a different color strap was too much, so WWE went and wasted money on these. I would love to see whatever stupid study from the branding department was enough to convince the McMahons that doing everything they can to make all of these belts look the same was somehow enough of a good idea to be worth spending thousands of dollars on.
Cesaro and Sheamus are back to arguing. Thankfully this was cut short when a referee ran up to Mick and told him that he was needed right away because there was a HUGE emergency. That emergency was…
BRAUN STROWMAN IS ON A RAMPAGE- he’s just walking around the hallways of the arena throwing around anyone and anything unfortunate enough to be in his path, much like I envision would happen if Jim Cornette were let loose in Titan Towers on PCP.
He is pissed because everyone is acting like Sami Zayn beat him last night when he really didn’t. He demands a match with Sami tonight… or else. Foley asked him to calm down and take the night off, so Braun told Foley that “I see how it’s gonna be tonight: Or else.” I’m sure some will find it corny, but I thought that was a great line.
NOAM DAR vs. CEDRIC ALEXANDER (w/Alicia Fox)- no rating, bad segment.
Austin Aries makes his Raw debut, replacing Saxton on commentary for this Cruiserweight Division match. Cedric won clean and quick, completely undoing everything they did on 205 Live. Then they undid things even more by having Dar legitimately be into Fox. I thought the point of promo on 205 Live that was to turn him heel by having him be a dick for no reason.
NEW DAY, SHEAMUS, & CESARO SEGMENT- annoying and boring.
I am already sick and tired of Sheamus & Cesaro arguing and insulting each other. I’m also tired of New Day trying to drive a wedge between them, but that’s mostly because it’s the exact same thing Rollins has been trying to do with Owens and Jericho for months.
Okay, this thing has dragged on for WAY too long.
Then Gallows & Anderson showed up on a flimsy heel pretext. Then the Shining Stars showed up to push their totally-not-a-scam timeshare. In one of the only two funny lines in the entire segment, Sheamus asked if the resort would supply him with free sun-screen (the other funny line was Big E.’s burial of the booking of the Women’s Title). Cesaro tore up a brochure so one of the Shining Stars attacked him, triggering a schmoz and a commercial break. When we came back from commercial, we were in the midst of the predictable eight-man tag team match.
LUKE GALLOWS, KARL ANDERSON, & THE SHINING STARS vs. CESARO, SHEAMUS, & THE NEW DAY (w/Xavier Woods)- 6.75/10
ENZO & CASS BACKSTAGE- wow. Enzo actually feels bad that Cass has given wins because of actions he took out of friendship to Enzo. That was a nice touch.
Anyway, Enzo will have to report to “sensitivity training” for because he “exposed [himself] in the work place a few weeks ago” (that time he got locked out of the locker room naked). I give this a 10% chance of being hilarious and a 90% chance of being terrible.
And while we’re on the subject of Enzo’s naked body… what are the odds that he styles the carpet to match the drapes?
CRUISERWEIGHT SEGMENT- meh. Vicious heel Neville is great, but I really don’t like him tolerating Kendrick’s presence.
SENSITIVITY TRAINING- terrible
Also in the course are Jinder Mahal (whose presence is odd, as the last time he was allowed to talk on television he had told us that he had found inner peace), Bob Backlund, Darren Young, and some other guy, plus the female instructor… and it was here that it finally hit me: With all of the sh*t we’ve seen and heard in WWE over the years, I can’t imagine what these people would have had to do to actually get punished.
Also… I’m no expert, but what kind of sensitivity training class starts at NEARLY 9:45 PM.
When Enzo explained his story and talked about his “partner,” the instructor thought that he meant his marital partner, so I guess she doesn’t watch the show. Way to bury your own show, WWE.
Enzo, being a huge tool, tried to hit on her. Also, he was a tool in general, making stupid jokes and being an ass to everyone else in the room. At this point, WWE’s attempts to get babyfaces over are backfiring so astoundingly that I can almost get a sense of schadenfreudian joy of out them.
SIN CARA vs. TITUS O’NEIL- no rating, good segment
Within a span of two minutes, the announcers mentioned the following:
1. A college in Ohio ending in “State.”
2. The word “massacre.”
3. Calling in the national guard.
WHOOPS!
Well… it could have been worse. It could have been Dolph Ziggler in Sin Cara’s spot while all of this was being said.
OWENS & JERICHO BACKSTAGE- boring
CHARLOTTE PROMO- Why is Dana not out here lackeying? Surely the queen and champion shouldn’t be expected to hold the ropes open for herself!
WWE gave her absolutely atrocious dialogue, such as “Stratusfaction doesn’t stand up to natural selection.” Crap like that that no one would ever say in real life.
Bayley showed up and once a conversation between real people happened, this got good. They picked up where they left off last month before someone decided we needed another Charlotte-Sasha title switch and switch back.
BAYLEY vs. CHARLOTTE- 7.5/10
Bayley wins via backslide. They are pushing it that Bayley is 3-0 against Charlotte which is only true if you ignore NXT.
SENSITIVITY TRAINING PART 2- bad
Oh. The other guy is Bo. I don’t think WWE understands what Sensitivity Training is… which really shouldn’t surprise anyone, now that I think about it.
Enzo continues to act like a huge tool. At this point the only acceptable ending to this segment is everyone else beating Enzo into unconsciousness.
EMMALINA STILL ISN’T HERE YET- too late, don’t care. This whole character seems to be that she has sexy pictures and they’ve been telling me that I can see all of these pictures on Instagram, so why should I care if Emmalina is on Raw or not.
SENSITIVITY TRAINING PART 3- despite having spent the past hour being a huge ass-hat, Enzo has still somehow managed to get a certificate saying that he has passed WWE’s sensitivity training. This makes it look like WWE’s “sensitivity training” is a bullsh*t in-house program that only exists to be used as a smokescreen that talent can be “sent to” so that the company can claim that they have helped the talent learn to act better whenever someone gets into a sticky situation.
Enzo once again tried to hit on the instructor in the most annoying way possible. The segment did have a happy ending, though, as Rusev and Jinder beat the living sh*t out of Enzo, and I spent the whole time cackling.
SETH ROLLINS & ROMAN REIGNS vs. KEVIN OWENS & CHRIS JERICHO- 7/10
The match was going great until the stupid finish in which Braun showed up and killed the babyfaces (Owens & Jericho ran away). This wouldn’t have been quite so annoying if we hadn’t gotten a f*ck finish in last night’s main event in this feud, too.
A decent show from WWE.