BRM Reviews the 12/12/2016 Raw (go-home show fail, babyface fail)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 12/12/2016 Raw (go-home show fail, babyface fail)

Post by Big Red Machine » Dec 13th, '16, 17:34

NEW DAY PROMO- This is kind of a weird thing to comment on, but that whole bit with Xavier dedicating tonight’s match to his apparently dead grandmother made me really uncomfortable because I had no idea if I was supposed to think he was joking or not.
It’s not often that someone dedicates a match to their dead grandma, then transitions into a penis joke. Just saying.
The promo was fine, I guess. They want to do their title defense now so that they can get it over with already. This means that one of two things are going to happen here:
1. We get some sort of non-finish and Mick books the match for the main event, possibly as a ladder match or some other such silliness.
2. New Day win here but the rug gets pulled out from under them when they are made to defend the belts again in the main event and lose them (they’re in Philly so… Dudley Boyz? Or maybe an angle with Sheamus getting injured leading a Kings of Wresting reunion?)

Apparently New Day’s idea of a party is champagne and Booty-O’s. Remind me to never party with them. Also, all of their friends appear to be random losers.

WWE TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: New Day(c) (w/Xavier Woods) vs. The Club vs. Sheamus & Cesaro- 7/10
This was an odd match for me to watch because I really wanted New Day to lose but would have been fine with either other team winning so when Cesaro broke up Gallows’ pin on Kofi I was sad because New Day didn’t lose even though I was also happy because I wanted Cesaro to have a chance to win. It was very odd.

They’ve already put up a graphic saying that New Day have broken Demolition’s record, even though Cole specifically said early that they don’t do so until midnight, so something is definitely up.

All of New Day’s friends look like goofballs who I would never want to hang out with.

We’re getting “The Rollins Report” with Kevin Owens. I swear to G-d if I never see another active wrestler hosting his or her own talk show as a stupid excuse to have a talking segment with whoever he or she is feuding with, I will be completely satisfied.

We’re also getting a tease of Rusev & Lana’s homemade porn. Okay… so what is WWE’s kayfabe plan with this? Do they really think the censors will let them show this, even blurred out? Or have they already seen the tape and know it’s just a tease but they are still going to build it up like it isn’t just to f*ck with their fans?

NEW DAY’S PARTY- Steph clearly hates these goofballs as much as I do, but knows that she has to show up for appearance’s sake. In addition to the goofballs from before, this part also contains Mick Foley, Bayley, and Bob Backlund, who was hiding in the background. Now that I think about it, a less ambiguous and equally correct way to phrase this would have been “additional goofballs at the party include Mick Foley, Bayley, and Bob Backlund.”
Steph gets accidentally sprayed with champagne because that’s what happens any time there is champagne backstage. Oe assumes that this will lead to that scenario I talked about earlier.

When we cut back to the announcers, Cole and Graves were taking this all very seriously while Byron was snickering. Graves reamed him out for it, and it would have been an excellent touch to have Steph ordered Byron replaced because of this (and also it would be excellent for the quality of the announcing).

STEPH & OWENS BACKSTAGE- Owens has an idea.
DUDE… can you imagine how huge the pop would be if Owens & Jericho won the tag belts tonight, in Philly?


BYRON SAXTON INTERVIEWS BRAUN STROWMAN ABOUT THE FACT THAT SAMI ZAYN WANTS A MATCH WITH HIM BUT FOLEY WON’T BOOK IT- great promo by Strowman! He buried Sami for being small and buried Foley for protecting Sami.

SAMI ZAYN & MICK FOLEY SEGMENT- a good segment, but I think this whole thing makes Foley look really bad. Whoever came up with this idea of Mick as the one “looking out for the wrestlers’ long-term heath” has really f*cked it up. Between the crying, the Cesaro-Sheamus thing, the women’s Hell in a Cell thing and now this, Mick is coming across as extremely annoying.
The end result of this was teasing that Foley is going to trade Sami to Smackdown.

ARIYA DAIVARI vs. LINCE DORADO- no rating, a segment that feels me with mixed feelings.
And we have our first WWE-style bullsh*t finish in the Cruiserweight Division. That being said, the way they did it did an excellent job of establishing Gallagher’s character, so I don’t know how to feel about it. I think I would like this a lot more if I had any faith in WWE’s ability to book the Cruiserweights (or anyone else, for that matter). If that were the case I probably would have found this to be a perfectly acceptable DQ because of the way it established Gallagher. Unfortunately, I don’t have that faith in them, so this feels more like the beginning of the end for any hope of the Cruiserweights on the main roster being booked like they were in the CWC or would be on NXT.

To promote this “sing” thing, they showed a clip of heel Austin playing guitar for Vince. If we don’t get both Kurt Angle doing HBK’s theme and the full rendition of “Wind Beneath Our Ring” I will be very unhappy.

Rollins was extremely annoying throughout this whole thing. Also, the whole thing with him wanting Hunter… it makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE THAT HE WASN’T CUTTING THIS PROMO EVERY WEEK FOR THE PAST THREE MONTHS.
Yup. We’re getting New Day vs. Owens & Jericho for the tag titles tonight. Jericho is so angry at Owens that he doesn’t want a title shot tonight. Owens points out that it’s happening anyway so he should make the most of it. Eventually they decided to go down to the ring to beat up Rollins until Roman Reigns made the save to many loud boos and an extremely high-pitched cheer.

Wow. They have completely destroyed Swann with their scripting. Kendrick showed up to try to drive a wedge between good friends Swann and Perkins. This would be the same thing we are supposed to be cheering Rollins for trying to do to Owens and Jericho.
Then Perkins showed up because he’s in the match and therefore he has to, no matter how staged it makes this segment feel

So we just had that segment where they hit all of the points they needed to as a go-home segment on this here go-home show… so why are we now doing a match in which one of Swann’s two contenders will have to lose? This is the sort of time that you could be adding to your main event to allow it to be epic. Or to another match on the show to let it be more than just “decent” and really help elevate two guys.
But no. WWE has some debilitating mental disease where they don’t understand that you don’t NEED to have the competitors in a match be in or near a wrestling ring at the same time in order to build up a match.

FOLEY, ROLLINS, & REIGNS BACKSTAGE- Foley adds Roman and Seth to the tag title match. What an asshole! Steph is booking New Day in a second match because she is angry at them. Foley is now making it harder on them for absolutely no reason.

They’re still calling it an Ironman match, even after last week’s horribly awkward promo where one of them was forced to say “when I beat you in our Ironman Match, I will prove that I’m the woman.”
It’s not that this wasn’t a good video package, but I’m starting to get annoyed with this constant talk about Charlotte and Sasha “making history,” and the reason for that is that at this point it has started to feel phony. Rather than something important and yet organic it has started to feel like the storyline is that Sasha and Charlotte are making all of the history by having a million different gimmick matches, so each time they push it, it feels less important. Also, at this rate Sasha and Charlotte are going to run out of history to make after they have their Inferno Match in mid-February and there won’t be any history left for anyone else, which will basically make Charlotte and Sasha into Orton and Cena, with Bayley, Becky, Alexa, et. al never being able to feel like they are on their level.

We got a pre-show segment to set up this match that I was fixing to hate but I actually really liked it, simply because it’s a nice reminder that heel Alicia Fox does have that little bit completely deranged psycho in her that would drive her to not only destroy one of Bayley’s Bayley Bears, but also casually walk up to Bayley and explain why she did it. Think the horse head in the bed scene in The Godfather, except if Tom Hagen had then walked up the movie producer and explained to him that he had the horse killed and that he would have him killed too if he didn’t comply, and all in a completely casual tone of voice.
If Cedric is Fox’s boyfriend, shouldn’t he be at ringside for her match to give her moral support. It always bugs me when they do it for the guy but not for the girl, or for one tag partner but not the other.
The match was short.

RUSEV & LANA TEASE US WITH THEIR HOMEMADE PORN- Rusev and Lana being awesome together.
Props to Lana for being responsible and telling the children watching to close their eyes. She will make an excellent mother for her and Rusev’s children. By the way… Can someone please book Rusev & Lana vs. Elgin & MsChif?
It’s not porn, because everyone knows they can’t show porn on TV. Of course, this goes back to my earlier question about why WWE kayfabe let them come out here and do this.
Cass showed up to brawl with Rusev as revenge for what Rusev did to Enzo, but it’s really hard for me to feel like Rusev did anything wrong.

OWENS & JERICHO BACKSTAGE- Jericho is on board… for tonight, at least.

Is this going to be some sort of “Brodus Clay is coming” trolljob?


SAMI ZAYN HAS BEEN TRADED TO SMACKDOWN… “for a talent of equal value.” Well… WHO IS IT?! Also, apparently Sami Zayn has to officially approve this trade. Since when? Trades never worked that way in the old days and it doesn’t make sense that they would be able to now unless contracts were renegotiated because one would assume that Sami Zayn, who was both signed and called up during a time when there was no roster split, would not have any sort of “no trade clause” in his contract.
Wait… now Foley is asking Zayn if he wants to know who he was traded for before he signs that paperwork. Why should this matter to Sami at all. He wants off of Raw because he thinks that Mick is holding him back. What does the person he is being traded for have to do with that?
Foley trolls everyone, including Sami, by saying he has been traded for Eva Marie. What a f*cking dick.
Sami is understandably pissed. They yell about sh*t that they’ve been yelling about for the past few weeks. Then Foley tells Sami to use his anger to motivate him (#BRMBookedItFirst) when he faces Braun Strowman at RBEOTL… but there’s only a ten-minute time limit, giving away that the finish will be a draw before the match even happens. Foley says that he just needed to know that Sami is capable of reaching into that dark place in order to survive in the tough world of WWE. Wow. I guess he really was telling the truth a few weeks ago when he said the first he heard of Sami Zayn was his kid playing with an action figure. That explains how Mick has no knowledge of Sami’s blood-feud with Kevin Steen.
This whole thing was SOOOOOO stupid. If Mick really thinks that Strowman wants to maim Sami, then Sami being angry shouldn’t matter because it’s a moral issue and he shouldn’t be booking Strowman against anyone. And if he really doesn’t think Strowman wants to end Sami’s career, then why does he need the extra motivation of being angry?

WWE TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The New Day(c) (w/Kofi Kingston) vs. Kevin Owens & Chris Jericho vs. Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns- 7.75/10
Owens and Jericho have New Day beat but can’t get along. This leads to Rollins taking them out, including hitting Jericho with a Pedigree, and then Big E. pulled him out of the ring and Woods rolled into the barely-conscious cover. This did not make them look in any way worthy of breaking Demolition’s record. You could have at least had Big E. hit Jericho with the Big Ending instead of Rollins laying him out with… oh, yeah, right… Hunter’s move. That explains that.
The fans spent a good chunk of the match chanting for Chris Hero.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Owens and Jericho broke up, and Roman Reigns took advantage of Owens’ distracting to hit him with a spear, just like a heel would. Do these people have any idea how to book babyfaces?

So the go-home show is now over, and off the top of my head I know we have the…
1. Owens vs. Reigns match
2. Rollins vs. Jericho
3. Zayn vs. Strowman
4. Ironwoman match
5. Cruiserweight match (which doesn’t even feel like it’s a “Raw” match)

You’d think that maybe they’d want to build up some other matches for the PPV (Fox vs. Bayley would have been fine if they didn’t to it tonight), but why do that when we can devote half of the f*cking show to doing the New Day match TWICE, the Owens-Jericho break-up that isn’t on this PPV, and terrible, overdramatic build-up to Zayn vs Strowman that was all centered around Zayn and Foley). At least f*cking announce Rusev vs. Cass because we all know you’re going to put it on the show.

Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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Re: BRM Reviews the 12/12/2016 Raw (go-home show fail, babyface fail)

Post by NWK2000 » Dec 14th, '16, 08:20

1. I looked up "Wind Beneath Our Ring" The entire Alliance swaying in the background is hysterical
2. "Iron Man" is the general name for triatholons, even ones involving women.
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Re: BRM Reviews the 12/12/2016 Raw (go-home show fail, babyface fail)

Post by cero2k » Dec 14th, '16, 09:26

NWK2000 wrote: 2. "Iron Man" is the general name for triatholons, even ones involving women.
Iron Man is the brand tho, not the type of race. I totally agree that it should just be Ironman match, it annoys me when they go out of their way to make it gender specific like Lumberjill match.

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Re: BRM Reviews the 12/12/2016 Raw (go-home show fail, babyface fail)

Post by Big Red Machine » Dec 14th, '16, 09:34

cero2k wrote:
NWK2000 wrote: 2. "Iron Man" is the general name for triatholons, even ones involving women.
Iron Man is the brand tho, not the type of race. I totally agree that it should just be Ironman match, it annoys me when they go out of their way to make it gender specific like Lumberjill match.
I'm the other way around. It greatly amuses me whenever they call it a Lumberjill match or a schoolgirl instead of a schoolboy. I used to love hearing Joey Styles call Super Crazy's Irish Whip as a "Mexican Whip."

In this particular case, though, I think they really should have called it an Ironwoman match because of the inherent verbal awkwardness created in moments like Charlotte's promo last week. There are some things that just sound awkward when you say them in close proximity, so if you have things you are going to need to say in close proximity, you need to reduce the verbal awkwardness as much as possible. It's the same as why Charlotte is billed as being "from the Queen City:" because being "Charlotte from Charlotte" would sound stupid.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
WWE in 2005
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
Beyond Flesh
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
ECW Guilty As Charged 1999

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