OPENING SEGMENT- okay
Jericho completely buries the fans for focusing on Mitch the Plant instead of Ambrose being hurt. He did it by putting himself over as the guy who hurt Ambrose, but I definitely appreciated the subtext of how dumb this plant thing is. For more on this, check out Stupid Announcer Quote #2.
Jericho proceeds to cut a promo on Dean and the fans. He is interrupted by Big Cass. He was fine, but I think he would be better if he didn’t talk quite so slowly. They go back and forth some insults, then tease a fight. Jericho backs of so Colin calls him sawft. This makes Jericho try to attack him but Cass hits him with a boot.
THEY’RE ADVERTISING A “TELL-ALL PODCAST” WITH SHANE MCMAHON, HOSTED BY MICK FOLEY- could be interesting, but will probably be all fluff.
STEPH & JERICHO BACKSTAGE- she makes Jericho look like a loser, then books him in the main event against Big Cass. That’s a much worse main event than Bullet Club vs. Roman & The Usos (and with a lot less build, too).
DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. BARON CORBIN- 5.75/10
SHANE & THE FLAIRS BACKSTAGE- they want Shane to change Steph’s decision about Flair being banned from ringside at the PPV. Not only does Shane not do so, but he bans Ric from ringside in tonight’s Charlotte’s vs. Paige match, too. Well… at least now we know that when it comes to having authority figures scold and humiliate their stars, WWE is an equal opportunity offender.
JOJO INTERVIEWS AJ- decent promo. I really hope they aren’t actually using “The Club” as a name for AJ, Gallows, & Anderson.
FANDANGO (w/Goldust) vs. R-TRUTH (w/Tyler Breeze)- 1.25/10
Also, they’re hyping up Goldango vs. Gorgeous Truth on Smackdown. Cole is telling us it will be “bigger than Iron Man vs. Captain America” while JBL tells us that “this will be like the Funks vs. the Briscos.” Can someone please explain to me the logic behind WWE’s promotional efforts for Smackdown? They rarely announce any matches in advance for the show… and now that they actually do, they have picked a match between two teams of jobbers (I was going to call them comedy jobbers, but IMO that’s not quite fair to Breeze and Fandango), and they are hyping it up with crazy hyperbole.
PEOPLE IN THE IC TITLE PICTURE WHINE TO SHANE & STEPH- okay
Steph decides they will book a triple threat match at the PPV. Miz whines that he can lose his title without even being pinned. Zayn shows up and says that he wants a title shot, and if the New Era (this was the 10th time they’d used that phrase so far tonight, and we’re less than an hour in) is all about giving the fans what they want, then the reaction to Sami holding the belt last week proves that he should get a title shot.
Competent booker Kevin Steen points out that this is ridiculous. He beat Sami clean at Payback, therefore it is ridiculous for Sami to get a shot at the same time as him. Shane says that Sami needs to earn his title shot so Sami asks Shane to let him earn a title shot tonight by “finishing what we started on Smackdown” and beating Miz tonight. I have no idea what he is talking about. If the result of what happened on Smackdown is somehow important (and it should be) someone should have explained it to us at some point either during this segment or during the match.
Shane & Steph like Sami’s idea. Then Miz gets to say that he doesn’t like it just so Steph can emasculate him.
PAIGE vs. CHARLOTTE- 4.5/10
Nattie is commentary. She was quite bad. She was saying the same things over and over again, almost verbatim. She also buried JBL and Cole for not being funny, then proceeded to dis them with several one-liners that didn’t come within about forty-thousand miles of being funny.
The match would have been fine if not for the finish, which was a logical but still convoluted series of distractions involving Flair, Nattie, and Shane, resulting in Paige rolling Charlotte up.
IF ZAYN WINS, HE GETS ADDED TO THE IC TITLE MATCH AT PAYBACK: Sami Zayn vs. The Miz (w/Maryse)- 6.75/10
A good match with a REALLY good last few minutes.
RENEE YOUNG INTERVIWS BECKY LYNCH- Becky is annoyed that Emma went after her eye last week. This “Irish Lass-kicking” line needs to go. “Lass Kicker” is a great nickname, but once you turn it into a catchphrase it sounds horrific. It’s also one of those nicknames that sounds great when someone else uses it, but when the wrestler him/herself says it, it sounds terrible.
Emma showed up and cut a promo on Becky, ending it by telling her that what she really needs is eyes in the back of her head. Then DANA BROOKE jumped Becky from behind. When I think back to one year ago, the thought of Dana Brooke being on the main roster would have filled me with dread. Not because of her meager wrestling skills at the time (which have obviously improved since then), but because I found her character- and particularly her voice to be the single most annoying thing in pro wrestling. Somehow, in one year, she has completely won me over.
Unfortunately, she referred to herself and Emma as E&D, which I really hope doesn’t stick because it’s a terrible name. That being said, I’m sure I will giggle if a babyface ever disses them by calling them “E.D.” in a promo.
DARREN YOUNG INTRODUCES HIS NEW LIFE COACH: BOB BACKLUND- amusing, although the split screen made it clear that they were clearly not in the same place, and the music was cheesy. As for the “Make Darren Young Great Again” slogan… I think this is a very clever move by WWE to deflect any negative association with Trump as they can now say “we put him in our HOF before he said these crazy things, and now that he has, we are lampooning him.” (And for all of the people who say that WWE was hypocritical by giving Hogan the Benoit treatment but not doing it to Trump… I think they did, but they were quiet enough about it that no one noticed. When was the last time that either Trump’s HOF induction, the Battle of the Billionaires match, or even the locations for WrestleManii 4 and 5 have even been mentioned?
ZACK RYDER TALKS TO SHANE MCMAHON- Ryder tries to talk to Shane about the IC Title. Owens shows up and accuses Shane of favoritism. Ryder and Owens had a good back-and-forth. This results in Shane decided that if Ryder beats Owens tonight, Ryder will gets Owens shot in the IC Title match at Extreme Rules.
SOMEONE INTERVIEWS THE USOS & ROMAN REIGNS- they say things like “we’re family. When you attack one of us, we all fight back.” Shall I bring up all of the times over the past six months where that hasn’t been the case? The WWE World Heavyweight Title match at TLC springs to mind immediately, as does the League of Nations attacking Roman during the Royal Rumble. Also, all of those times the Dudleys attacked the Usos, I don’t remember Roman coming out to help them more than once or twice. Or even the first time few times the Bullet Club attacked them.
SIN CARA (w/Kalisto) vs. RUSEV (w/Lana)- 4.5/10
They showed a promo by Kalista that they posted on Facebook. It was pretty bad, to the point where I am astounded that they showed it.
Kalisto (and by extension, Sin Cara) have had two feud since Kalisto won the US Title: Ryback, and the League of Nations… and now that the Ryback feud is over, of all of the people on the roster, they stick him right back with a former League of Nations member.
The match was okay, aside from the finish, which saw the heel #1 contender get pinned after the babyface champion cheated by interfering in the match, attacking him for no reason. This was idiotic.
THE COLONS ARE BACK NEXT WEEK- their name will be “The Shining Stars.” The graphic said they will be “arriving next week.” Well if they are arriving here, then why did you waste all of this time having them tell us why over there was so cool?
ELIMINATION TAG TEAM MATCH: Roman Reigns & The Usos vs. The
Jey Uso out relatively quickly after a shot from the outside by Gallows and a roll-up while holding the tights by Anderson. Anderson was rolled up by Jimmy Uso soon after. We then went to commercial, and when we came back, we learned that AJ eliminated Jimmy Uso with the Phenomenal Forearm. Soon after we came back, Roman eliminated Gallows with the Superman Punch. Not even the Spear. Just a f*cking Superman Punch. Then it was down to just AJ and Roman… and they did a f*cking DQ finish when Gallows and Anderson came out through the crowd and Anderson hit Roman with a chair, soon followed by the Usos also coming out of the crowd (which was weird and pointless as it is) to fight Gallows and Anderson again. SOOOOOO F*CKING STUPID! WHAT THE F*CK WAS THE POINT OF THIS?! Why the hell would you book a match where your beat four guys just to do stupid DQ?! You could have done the exact same thing in a regular tag match or in a singles match with the other guys at ringside.
Gallows & Anderson easily dispatched of the Usos for a second time, only to both get speared by Roman, so they both got beaten up twice as well, and the second time when it was one against two in their favor. Then AJ laid Roman out with an enzugiri and they teased a Styles Clash onto a chair. Roman fought out of it, and then look at AJ with this astonished look like he was surprised AJ would try to hurt him. They took turns kicking the chair back and forth before AJ went for the Phenomenal Forearm, Roman avoided it, and AJ decided not to try to go after Roman when Roman had a chair. This was SOOOOOOOOOO BAD! It did absolutely nothing to build to the PPV (they almost hit each other with a chair. So what? How is that any bigger than what they did last week with that awesome powerbomb through the announcers’ table?), and even worse, it completely buried both the Usos and Gallows & Anderson. This should have been a regular tag team match, should have been the main event, ending in either AJ pinning Roman clean in the middle by roll-up (so he can tell Gallows & Anderson that this is proof that he can beat Roman without their help so he doesn’t want them to interfere in the title match) or with AJ pinning Roman clean after Roman eats all three guys’ finishers so that after AJ loses, Gallows and Anderson can blame the loss on AJ not wanting their help even though he needed it to beat Roman.
IF RYDER WINS, HE GETS OWENS’ SPOT IN THE IC TITLE MATCH AT EXTREME RULES: Zack Ryder vs. Kevin Owens- 4.5/10
Short, but I will admit that they did really scare me with some of the false finishes.
RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS COLIN CASSADY- very good.
NEW DAY PROMO- horrid. And that was before they made passing reference to Jim Crow laws. It would not surprise me if the Dudley Boys just stiffed the hell out of them for cutting such a sh*tty promo. In fact, I hope they do.
THE DUDLEY BOYS vs. THE NEW DAY (w/Xavier Woods)- 4.5/10
The Vaudevillains showed up to beat up Xavier, which distracted Big E. Devon then pinned Kofi, in what I’m certain will not lead to the Dudley Boys getting a title shot even though they just pinned the champs. After the match, the Vaudevillains beat up Kofi, too.
Roman Reigns vs. Luke Gallows has been announced for Smackdown. You know. Because Roman has dispatched of Gallows enough times already this week.
They also advertised Zayn & Cesaro vs. Miz & Owens which it feels like we’ve seen a million times already, even if it has never actually happened.
COLIN CASSADY vs. CHRIS JERICHO- no rating. ATROCIOUS segment
Dean jumped Jericho during his entrance and took his jacket, although we could actually see any of this because the only illumination in the building was from Jericho’s jacket. None of the announcers had any idea who could possibly do such a thing, although everyone else watching figured it out the moment Cole said what was happening (and I’m sure a large portion of others had joined me in my expectation that Dean would attack Jericho at some point tonight the moment that Jericho vs. Colin Cassady was booked as a main event)- although I will admit that I secret hoped it was actually a fan who had jumped Jericho and stole his jacket just because of how hilarious everyone’s reaction would be once the lights came back on.
Dean tore up the jacket, which angered Jericho furiously, because I guess that super-rich WWE Superstar and “HUUUUUUUUUGE ROCK STAR” Chris Jericho can’t afford a new light-up jacket. Jericho beat up Ambrose and took the jacket away. Jericho wanted to walk to the back but Cass came out to block his way. Jericho slapped him, so Cass knocked Jericho around and tossed him into the ring so Dean could lay him out with Dirty Deeds. So basically, babyface Dean jumped heel Jericho from behind. When they had a fair fight, heel Jericho easily defeated babyface Dean. Dean was only able to defeat Jericho after he had been weakened by a second babyface.
Dean then pulled out the kind of dull scissors that they give to kindergarteners and started to cut the jacket up some more. Yeah. Jericho smashes a ceramic pot of the back of Dean’s head and puts him in the hospital, so Dean responds by ruining Jericho’s jacket. Cole was nice enough to remind us why this stupidity is happening: “We know how much Mitch the Plant meant to Ambrose.” We do? I don’t know about any of you, but I just assumed that Dean was making a big deal out of the plant as a joke because most of Dean’s promos consist of him saying wacky things. But apparently he had a real attachment to this one potted plant that he MUST get revenge for it... but I guess not enough of an attachment that he would assault the guy who killed the plant. Just enough of an attachment to commit some revenge vandalism, like a middle-schooler. Dean’s music plays and he walks off, and then we cut away without ever getting our advertised main event, making Cassady look like a complete and total afterthought.
This whole thing is a perfect example of what people hate about WWE: They have what should have been a fine angle: Jericho breaks a ceramic pot over Dean’s head, putting him in the hospital, so this week Dean assaults Jericho and beats him up as revenge. But instead of the focusing on the violence- on the pain and suffering that Jericho inflicted upon Dean- WWE focuses the whole thing on the fact that Jericho killed Ambrose’s plant named Mitch- in other words: dumb comedy. So now, to get his revenge, instead of beating the crap out of the guy who put him in the hospital, it’s Dean ruining Jericho’s jacket in revenge for Jericho killing Dean’s plant. It would be soooooo easy to make this great, but WWE purposely chooses to turn it into comedy.
THE MCMAHONS BACKSTAGE- instead of going out there and trying to make sure that their advertised main event happens as scheduled, Steph and Shane just stand there and fake make nice with each other and pat themselves on the back for doing such a great job tonight. Then Shane walks off, and when he does, Steph picks up the picture of Vince and Shane that she had fixed for Shane and stares at it angrily. Basically, they’re doing a much sh*ttier version of what PWG is doing with Adam Cole and Roderick Strong, except that in PWG that is also a fresh angle whereas in WWE it’s something we’ve seen a million times before.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Dean is still standing on the ramp and his music is still playing. Jericho is standing in the ring, screaming and crying. Colin Cassady has completely vanished. HOORAY FOR THE NEW ERA!
A terrible episode of Raw. I’ve already ripped the booking to shreds, but I have another concern here, too: They used the phrase “New Era” nine times in the first forty-five minutes of the show. That’s an average of once every five minutes… and when you factor out the commercials, it’s probably closer to once every three or four. To be fair, they slowed down with this drastically in the last two hours, but the fact that they pushed it so hard while still sticking to their same crap booking is an indication that this “New Era,” like the “Divas Revolution” before it, is clearly just WWE putting a new coat of paint on their run-down house, just like they always do. They’ve shown us over the years that every time we think change is coming, they are completely insincere about it. This time looks like it will be no different.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Cole talks about how Steph has brought back the Highlight Reel in the Ambrose Asylum’s “timeslot.” Right. Because these shows always start at the exact same time every week, and they all happen every single week. I love how WWE will say things like this because they think it makes them sound more legit or more professional or whatever when in reality it just makes them look more ridiculous.
2. Cole didn’t get any better, as he talked about “Mitch the Plant, coveted by Dean Ambrose and a mainstay on the Ambrose Asylum.”
IT’S A F*CKING PLANT! It doesn’t need a name you don’t need to hype it up like it matters. Just say that he hit him in the back of the head with a potted plant, shattering the ceramic pot on the back of Dean’s skull. That puts over the fact that Jericho did this heinous, violent thing to Dean and now Dean will seek retribution. Giving it a name and talking about how the f*cking plant was important to Dean’s talk show not only takes the focus off of what it should be on, but it also makes the whole thing ridiculous.