BRM Reviews the 5/2/2016 Raw (frustrating)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 5/2/2016 Raw (frustrating)

Post by Big Red Machine » May 2nd, '16, 22:19

OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE- they said that “a new era has arrived.” That would make this the second “new era” in the past five weeks. If they keep this up, by the end of the year they’ll have DC Comics beat.

OPENING SEGMENT- Shane & Steph bicker in the ring, doing the stupid fake politeness bullsh*t. We are a little over five minutes into the show and I’ve already almost hit the point where I don’t want to watch it.
HOORAY FOR KEVIN OWENS! He wants his rematch for the IC Title. Then Cesaro comes out and gives valid reasons for why he deserves a title shot. Shane books them in a #1 contendership match for right now. Owens is rightfully pissed because he deserves the traditional champion’s rematch and isn’t getting it.

IC TITLE #1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH: Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro- 6.25/10
Miz & Maryse are on commentary because that’s the only thing WWE knows how to do.
In the interests of full disclosure, I must inform you that during the commercial break in the middle of this match, I decided this show would be more tolerable if I were drinking Jack Daniels while watching it.
DQ finish when Miz attacks Cesaro after an altercation with both guys on the outside. Zayn eventually showd up and he was the one standing tall at the end and holding up the IC Title. Cole said “we still don’t have a #1 contender” even though it seemed clear to me that it was Owens who get DQed because Cesaro was the only one Miz had touched when the bell rang (and for a while afterwards).

STEPH & AMBROSE BACKSTAGE- annoying.
It set up Steph being the guest on Amrbose’s talk show.

R-TRUTH & TYLER BREEZE BACKSTAGE- Truth wants to team with Tyler. Truth was an idiot. Tyler ignored him. I wish I could.
Then Goldust showed up and decided that they were a tag team and he got upset so he called them “average-looking Truth” instead of “Gorgeous Truth” which GREATLY offended Tyler Breeze. That was the only good part of this. Goldust challenged Tyler to match, saying “I’m gonna stick that selfie where the smart-phone don’t shine.” Can someone please explain to me why the person who write that line was flogged for even suggesting that someone say this on national TV?
Fandango showed up to be Truth’s partner. Truth and Tyler took selfies while Goldust and Fandango did pelvic thrusts. This went on for at least fifteen seconds. I think we need to sit down everyone in the world, have them all watch this segment, and take who thought that ending bit was funny and immediately have them sterilized.

AJ, GALLOWS, & ANDERSON BACKSTAGE- okay.
Gallows and Anderson’s heads are REALLY shiny.
Roman showed up to stir some dissention between the Bullet Club. Then Roman said “the question tonight is... can the three of you beat the three of us?” And then- and only then- did the Usos step into the screen despite the fact that they appear to have just been standing a few feet away the entire time. This looked f*cking ridiculous and as a result, BRM took shot #2.

GOLDUST (w/Fandango) vs. TYLER BREEZE (w/R-Truth)- DUD!
Goldust’s career started in 1988. Also in 1988, Tyler Breeze was born. All of the attention in this match was on Truth’s dumb antics on the outside, eventually resulting in Tyler rolling Goldust up off of a distraction for the win. According to Wikipedia, this is only the second match Tyler Breeze has ever won on Raw.

COLE TELLS US NEW DAY WILL ADDRESS THE “CONTROVERSIAL” ENDING TO THE #1 CONTENDERSHIP TOURNAMENT-
THERE IS NO “CONTROVERSY” HERE! Enzo was injured to the point where he could not continue the match; therefore his opponents are the winners. Those are the rules!

There is a woman with a sign that says “This Diva is Uso Crazy.” I guess she didn’t get the memo about the rebranding. Hopefully WWE doesn’t take this as a sign that they need to shove it down our throats even harder.

TAG TEAM SEGMENT- meh.
New Day announce that Enzo is out of the hospital and going to be fine. Shouldn’t Big Cass have done this? Or maybe a promo via cellphone footage from Enzo himself? New Day also say that to help him feel better they sent him “a dash of unicorn magic” which I assume is code for cocaine.
The Vaudevillains came out to absolutely no reaction whatsoever. Well… aside from laughter at their entrance music being something we are supposed to take seriously. They got a teeny bit of a reaction for burying Enzo. Then the Dudley Boys showed up to interrupt them. Then the Dudleys were interrupted by Big Cass, who cut a promo on both of them and then started a big brawl, and when we came back from commercial we’ve got an eight-man tag.

COLIN CASSADAY & THE NEW DAY vs. THE VAUDEVILLAINS & THE DUDLEY BOYS- 6.5/10

BECKY LYNCH vs. EMMA- 5.75/10
Michael Cole says that it’s “good to see Becky back after suffering that horrific eye injury at WrestleMania.” What eye injury?
Well… apparently this eye injury was important as it played into the finish when Emma thumbed Becky in the eye, then dumped her on her head with a nifty-looking Michinoku Driver.

THE COLONS EAT IN A RESTAURANT IN PUERTO RICO- they’re approaching Nia Jax territory in terms of “stop it with the f*cking videos and just debut already!” except that at least with Nia Jax there was a kayfabe logical reason to be showing the videos whereas here there is no reason at all (unless WWE has been hired by the Puerto Rican government to do their tourism advertising, which seems highly unlikely).

AMBROSE ASYLUM WITH SPECIAL GUEST STEPHANIE MCMAHON- meh
Dean was an asshole to Steph so he got what he deserved when she cancelled his stupid interview show. Dean completely no-sells it. Then Steph says it’s going to be Jericho doing the Highlight Reel again so Jericho comes out and he and Ambrose brawl on the ramp because absolutely nothing was solved on last night’s PPV. Jericho wins the brawl by laying Ambrose out with the Codebreaker. Then he broke Dean’s plant pot over Dean’s head. At least that part as good.

US TITLE #1 CONTENDERSHIP BATTLE ROYALE- 6/10
US Champ Kalisto was on commentary in a suit. That was weird.
Holy crap apparently real sh*t happened on Smackdown last week! The League of Nations is no more.
To show us all how much they hate us, WWE decided that Damien Sandow had to be the first man eliminated. Meanwhile, Curtis Axel was allowed to be one of the final seven.
Ziggler eliminated Corbin but Corbin destroyed him afterwards, allowing Rusev to eliminate him.
The stuff at the end with Ryder and the former League of Nations was very good, and I found myself extremely disappointed when Ryder didn’t win. If I was booking this, I would have had Ryder dump both Rusev and Del Rio when one of them was trying to dump the other and give Ryder the win, then have Kalisto beat Ryder at Extreme Rules while having Rusev win a three-way against his former League of Nations pals to build up to Rusev vs. Kalisto at the June PPV.

WOMEN’S TITLE SEGMENT-
Why has Charles Robinson not already been fired? Or at the very least been suspended pending a full investigation? You’d think this is the sort of thing that babyface Shane McMahon would take care of, but apparently not.
And you’ve got to love how Nattie waited patiently in the back for them to finish talking before coming out and talking pretty much calmly. I think we all remember what happened after the Montreal Screwjob, right? How Bret shrugged his shoulders and calmly went to the back not destroying any camera equipment at all, and then took a shower and left the building, not ever shouting at Vince or punching him in the face? Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Anyway, Nattie says that this isn’t about her and Charlotte. It’s about RIc Flair and the Hart Family. Because this is a new era for women’s wrestling, dammit, where the female wrestlers are no longer defined by their bodies. No more of that sexist crap here! Instead we’re just defining them by the famous men they happened to be related to. A true victory for women’s equality if ever I’ve seen one. To steal a phrase from James Hornsby of BotchedSpot.com, I think we can all now agree that these Divas have been successfully revolved. HOORAY FOR WWE!
Oh. Yeah. I almost forgot there was more to this segment.
Charlotte tried to jump Nattie but Nattie dumped her to the outside. Then Flair took off his jacket and his watch and we were all supposed to think that thirty-three year old Nattie could possibly be threatened by geriatRic Flair. Then Nattie just slapped him in the face and put him in the Sharpshooter but Charlotte pulled Nattie out of the ring. Then Nattie stole Flair’s watch because I guess she’s a kleptomaniac now.

STEPH BOOKS A SUBMISSIONS MATCH FOR THE WOMEN’S TITLE AT THE PPV- with Flair banned from ringside. Shouldn’t this be an I Quit match in order to prevent the issue that ruined last night’s match (a biased referee)?
Also, where the f*ck is Shane?

ROMAN REIGNS & THE USOS vs. AJ STYLES, LUKE GALLOWS, & KARL ANDERSON- 6.5/10
Well… I was expecting that to be a hell of a lot better. They should have given this 20-30 minutes.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- great!
Anderson and Gallows want AJ to hit Roman with a chair. AJ declines, resulting in the Usos grabbing the chair and hitting AJ with it. AJ winds up getting it back and hitting the Usos, but then Roman gets up and takes AJ out, ending with a scary-looking powerbomb through the announcers’ table.

A frustrating Raw aside from the post-main event segment.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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NWK2000
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Re: BRM Reviews the 5/2/2016 Raw (frustrating)

Post by NWK2000 » May 3rd, '16, 11:03

I don't get the issue with putting Miz and Maryse on guest commentary. I've said before that The Miz's greatest strength is him talking, so in that sense, aside from Miz cutting a promo on the ramp which would've taken away from the visual of the match, this was the absolute best way they could've used The Miz tonight without him wrestling. The only qualm I have with the guest commentary thing from a booking standpoint is that it doesn't seem to be something you have to ask permission to do, that you can just wander out. I've always wondered why a wrestler doesn't stay out all night and do commentary, that sounds like it'd be great fun!
NWK Reviews is closed for business for now.

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Big Red Machine
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Re: BRM Reviews the 5/2/2016 Raw (frustrating)

Post by Big Red Machine » May 3rd, '16, 11:19

NWK2000 wrote:I don't get the issue with putting Miz and Maryse on guest commentary. I've said before that The Miz's greatest strength is him talking, so in that sense, aside from Miz cutting a promo on the ramp which would've taken away from the visual of the match, this was the absolute best way they could've used The Miz tonight without him wrestling. The only qualm I have with the guest commentary thing from a booking standpoint is that it doesn't seem to be something you have to ask permission to do, that you can just wander out. I've always wondered why a wrestler doesn't stay out all night and do commentary, that sounds like it'd be great fun!
It's not an issue with them specifically. In fact, of anyone on the roster, the ones I want doing guest commentary the most are Miz and Owens. The problems is that it feels like they do "other guy in the feud is on guest commentary" at least five or six times a week, and at least half of the time it seems to some sort of physical altercation. It's like the "roll-up off of a distraction" finish: they've beaten it into the ground so much that not only does it not mean anything, but it actually hurts the show because they do it so much that it just feels like them displaying a total lack of creativity.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
DGUSA Open the Ultimate Gate 2013
ROH/CMLL Global Wars Espectacular: Day 3

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