BRM Reviews the 2/8/2016 Raw

[Big Red Machine]

BRYAN VIDEO PACKAGE- yeah. That just about confirms that this isn’t an angle.

CONTRACT SIGNING- Steph is immediately interrupt by raucous chants for Bryan. What did they think was going to happen?
That was a nifty little trick how they cut to the Fast Lane graphic (and more importantly, its sound effect) right before Steph said Roman’s name so the boos would be drowned out.
Huge reaction for Ambrose. He says what everyone else is thinking and tells Steph to get on with it already. Dean wants to kick Brock’s ass, but Steph declares there will be “no physicality whatsoever.”
I will admit that I laughed when Roman’s music interrupted Steph’s declaration that she will be the one to do the introductions. A rare example of good comedy from WWE.
Steph claims that Roman was trying to steal Dean’s thunder. What thunder?
Brock comes out when he is supposed to. Steph gets booed for interrupting Heyman’s “my name is Paul Heyman” speech.
They sign the contracts and Steph leaves. Then Heyman cuts an awesome promo. Then Brock kicked both Dean and Roman’s asses. Brock is awesome.
Then Hunter (w/Steph) came out to stare at Brock. This was the best opening segment in a very long time. Not-so-coincidentally, it was one of the shortest in a long time, too.

DEAN & ROMAN BACKSTAGE- Dean swears he will get back at Brock before the end of the night.

KEVIN OWENS vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER- 6.75/10
Yes. Again.
Dolph wins this time… with his feet on the ropes! Why is our babyface cheating?! And his big celebration? That was just douchy. Owens was angry so he attacked the announce table.

We’ve getting New Day vs. Usos in a Tables match. WHY? Where was the build to any of this?

THE USOS & DUDLEYS BACKSTAGE- bad.
The Usos are applying each other’s paint with special markers. Yeah… this just stopped being war paint and instead became face paint.

They Dudleys are unhappy that The Usos are in a table match tonight, as if this is somehow the Usos fault. They didn’t book the match.
Then Bubba suggests that they team up to face the New Day in a tables match tonight. The Usos say “if we can get it approved, then why not?”
1) Why the hell do they think the Authority would approve putting the New Day in a 4-on-3 handicap tables match.
2) That’s not very babyface-like to want to be the guys with the advantage in a handicap match.

ALICIA FOX vs. CHARLOTTE (w/Ric Flair)- 3.75/10
Didn’t I just see this match on Smackdown?

The Authority has now made the Usos vs. New Day table match Usos & Dudleys vs. New Day & mystery partner in a tables match.

MIZ TV WITH SPECIAL GUEST CHRIS JERICHO- GREAT segment.
They turned Miz TV into a Highlight reel. Do they have the Jeritron 5000 suspended above the ring for every single show they do?
They put over AJ knocking out Miz’s teeth. Miz and Jericho went back and forth and it was all very good. Then AJ showed up, and Miz used the opportunity to attack Jericho from behind. AJ got some shots in on Miz before Jericho knocked Miz down with a clothesline. AJ and Jericho had a stare-down. Miz tried to attack them both but they both beat him up, then continued their stare-down until they started to brawl.
I assume this will lead to Miz attacking them both on Smackdown for the double DQ, leading to a three-way at Fast Lane in which AJ will beat Miz so that they can hold off on another AJ vs. Jericho match until Mania with Jericho turning heel during the intervening month.

Also, there’s a guy in the front row who looks like the love child of Christian and Jay of “Jay and Silent Bob.”

RYBACK vs. BRAY WYATT (w/the Wyatt Family)- 5/10
Ryback’s gear is less Goldbergy than it was on Smackdown, but he is now getting Goldberg chants and it is 100% his own fault. Bray wins by countering the Meat Hook Clothesline into Sister Abigail. Bray orders the other Wyatts to get Ryback. They eventually do so, although they waited for quite a while first. As the clips they showed at the beginning of the match made obvious, Kane and Big Show came out to make the save…. Right? Come on, guys. Where are you? You’re going out, right? Or not.

They showed a Tweet to Bryan that appeared to be from the Ultimate Warrior. This would be the same Ultimate Warrior who died two years ago. (And I can’t even make a joke about it being from the Renegade because he’s dead, too).

NEW DAY PROMO & INTERVIEW WITH RENEE- I have no tolerance for New Day Right now. Also, when I saw what appeared to be Big E. about to imitate the famous Trish Stratus “proper table maintenance” promo, I got really scared.

DEAN & ROMAN BACKSTAGE- okay.

SOCIAL OUTCASTS PROMO- I skipped it. This decision was vindicated when I learned that it included Adam Rose declaring himself to be the “Radical Mongoose.”

TITUS O’NEIL vs. ADAM ROSE (w/the Ministry of Dorkness)- 1.5/10
“Tits O’Neil” is probably my second favorite typo I regularly make while writing these reviews (first is “Becky Lunch”).
The fans cared so much about this match that they chanted for the local football team.
Titus got rolled up after he went to the outside to beat up the other members of Meh-volution.

AMBROSE CALLS OUT LESNAR- decent segment.
Brock kicks Dean’s ass. Brock goes to leave, but Dean asks for more so Brock goes back to beat him up some more but Roman Reigns’ music plays and… SWERVE! Roman actually comes out from backstage like a normal wrestler.
Dean uses this distraction to hit Brock in the nuts.

LUCHA DRAGONS vs. THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS (w/Wade Barrett)- 6/10
The fans chanted “WE WANT LANA!” and I couldn’t help but imagine how awesome it would be if Rusev grabbed a mic and told the fans that they don’t get to see Lana because they cheered when The Rock spread those horrible, terrible lies about her.
I wasn’t happy with Del Rio pinning Kalisto instead of Sin Cara, but changed my mind after hearing Cole’s explanation about how this would put doubt in Kalisto’s mind.

TRUTH & GOLDUST- also skipped it. My tolerance for bullsh*t comedy is low tonight, and as these segments keep going on, I’m afraid that they’ll wind up having Golden Truth challenge the New Day for the tag titles at Mania.

SASHA BANKS vs…. what? She’s only doing commentary? BOOO!

BECKY LYNCH vs. TAMINA (w/Naomi)- 4.5/10, but a did its job as a segment perfectly.
Damn. I was hoping we’d get Becky vs. Naomi, which would have been much better.
Sasha yapped with Tamina, leading to Naomi just beating the sh*t out of her. Becky then gave up an in-ring advantage to go save Sasha (including an exploder suplex on the floor), but this led to Becky taking the loss.

DID MARK HENRY JUST JOIN THE NEW DAY?
TABLES MATCH: Mark Henry & The New Day vs. The Dudleys Boys & The Usos- 2.25/10
Mark gets angry and walks out. Then the babyfaces beat up the heels 4-on-3 and then put them through a table. This was stupid.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- The Dudleys attack The Usos and put them both through tables because Bubba is still angry at The Usos because they got booked in a tables match that The Dudleys weren’t involved in. This was creative’s atrociously lazy way of booking a three-way.

BRYAN VIDEO PACKAGE- awesome… but it just doesn’t feel complete without Nigel McGuinness.

BRYAN SPEECH- thus exits one of the best of all-time… and that’s in a career that is about ten years shorter than most of the all-time greats get.

This show was… who knows. I don’t even know. All I can think about right now is Bryan Danielson. I’ll probably wind up writing something today or tomorrow.
Thank you, Dragon!

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Byron Saxton- “you can’t have a tables match without the Dudley Boys, right?”
Yes, Byron. You can. It has happened a lot.