BRM Reviews the 5/4/2015 Raw (awesome! and ZAYN!)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- this was actually pretty good, but I wish WWE would occasionally throw their standard format out the window and actually start with a wrestling match and have a main event already booked by the time the show starts.

HANDICAP MATCH: The New Day vs. Roman Reigns & Randy Orton- 7/10
Booker T clearly doesn’t understand the Freebird Rule and also thinks this is a title match. Those are two pretty f*cking big mistakes to make. Perhaps most surprisingly, THE TAG CHAMPS DIDN’T GET JOBBED OUT! This was definitely the right finish as it got over the issues between Orton and Reigns while also protecting them in their loss and giving the tag champs a win.

KANE ANNOUNCES ORTON VS. REIGNS AS THE MAIN EVENT- not a fan.
If I were booking this, rather than have Kane just come out and make this match for the sake of being evil, I’d have Orton cut an angry promo on Reigns half-way through the show, then have Roman respond with an angry promo of his own telling Randy to bring it on, and then have Kane book it as the main event of Smackdown. Instead they did it this way in order to push an angle between Kane and Rollins which hasn’t gone anywhere in over a month.

THE AFOREMENTIONED GO-NOWHERE ANGLE BETWEEN KANE AND ROLLINS- aren’t you all glad we got this segment, so that we could make a testicles joke? And if we’re turning Kane babyface, maybe it’d be a good idea to not bring up the fact that as a child, he attempted to torture Santa Clause.
That being said, New Day were fantastic in the background: “WE DID IT, KANE!”

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS RYBACK- the Canadian crowd is excited to see Canadian Renee. Not so much for Ryback. Ryback’s promo was so stupid. I wonder if he realizes how goofy he sounds talking about “eating negativity, putting it in the pit of his stomach and turning it into positives.” Yes, The Ryback apparently sh*ts positivity.
Then Bray showed up on the Tron and cut a decent promo.

UPPER-CATS (w/Natalya) vs. THE ASCENSION- 2.25/10 (but very fun for the time it got)
Oh. Right. The Ascension are on the main roster. They actually cut a good in-set promo.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS SETH ROLLINS- yeah… if this Kane stuff was actually going to fo anywhere, Kane would be in the match at Payback.

IF DEAN WINS, HE GETS ADDED TO THE MAIN EVENT OF PAYBACK: Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose- 8/10
Mercury and Noble were barred from ringside. Rollins trying to use the fact that Kane would be going against the will of the fans by changing the match that they voted for made me laugh. Great heel stuff.
HOLY F*CK DEAN WON! Awesome match! And now Dean is in the main event (and the cynical part of me is thinking he’s only in there to take the pin, but it’s better than the absolute nothing he’s been doing so far.

KANE AND ROLLINS BACKSTAGE- good for what it was.

BYRON SAXTON INTERVIEWS LANA- turning Lana babyface is quite possibly the dumbest thing they could possibly do with her. Well… at least they did a good job actually setting up for Rusev vs. Fandango in a way that builds something up rather than just doing a squash for the sake of doing a squash.

FANDANGO vs. RUSEV (w/Lana)- no rating. Good segment for the stupid goals they were trying to accomplish (the Lana face turn part, not the Rusev squash part).
Booker T: “Fandango may never Fandango again.”
We can only hope, Booker. We can only hope.

TOUGH ENOUGH VIDEOS- all of these people are f*cking geeks. The only reason I watched this is that I heard Scarlett Bordeaux had sent one in which aired on Smackdown and I figured that since everything else on Smackdown gets repeated on Raw, they’d repeat this, too.

R-TRUTH vs. STARDUST- DUD!
Stardust called R-Truth a “womp-rat” in his inset promo. May the Fourth be with you.
Oh great. Now arachnophobia is Truth’s gimmick.

JOHN CENA PROMO- really good. I’m also amazed that the guy in the Nordiques jersey didn’t get booed out of the building.

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: John Cena vs. BRET HART?!
Wait… is it going to be Cena vs. HEATH SLATER?
Heath is so totally fantastic in his role. Just fantastic.
WAIT NO! EVEN BETTER!
WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: John Cena vs. SAMI F*CKING ZAYN!- 7.5/10
I don’t think I’ve popped bigger for anything in WWE in a long time. Maybe since Zayn won the NXT Title. Sami was awesome, as always. I am completely unsure if that shoulder injury was worked or not. That’s how good Sami is.

THE BELLAS WALK DOWN A HALLWAY- NEW DAY FOR THE WIN!

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS THE NEW DAY- even more fun! Xavier Woods called Tyson Kidd a “catastrophe of a Canadian.”

THE BELLAS GET JUMPED BY NAOMI AND… WHO THE F*CK?! Is that Andrea from Evolve? HOLY CRAP IT’S A TAMINA SIGHTING!
Oh. Right. Naomi’s an Uso now, and Tamina is also an Anoa’i.

WADE BARRETT PROMO- oh G-d he’s aring the crown and robe. Goodbye Wade’s career. It’s been nice knowing you. Or rather, knowing ye.

WADE BARRETT & SHEAMUS vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER & NEVILLE- 4.5/10
Short, but good for the time it got.

MATCH WITH A BUNCH OF AUTHORITY GUYS AROUND RINGSIDE: Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns- um… did they ever actually announce a finish? Either way, this was a dull segment and not main event worthy at all.

An awesome Raw with a really disappointing ending.

[cero2k]

THE BELLAS GET JUMPED BY NAOMI AND… WHO THE F*CK?! Is that Andrea from Evolve? HOLY CRAP IT’S A TAMINA SIGHTING!
Oh. Right. Naomi’s an Uso now, and Tamina is also an Anoa’i.

Snuka was part of the Anoa'i family?

[Bulletclubfan2014]

THE BELLAS GET JUMPED BY NAOMI AND… WHO THE F*CK?! Is that Andrea from Evolve? HOLY CRAP IT’S A TAMINA SIGHTING!
Oh. Right. Naomi’s an Uso now, and Tamina is also an Anoa’i.

Snuka was part of the Anoa'i family?

I think it's more Snuka family and Anoa'i family are close friends as well as Tamina was trained by the Wild Samoans and given a scholarship in the name of Lia Maivia

[Big Red Machine]

THE BELLAS GET JUMPED BY NAOMI AND… WHO THE F*CK?! Is that Andrea from Evolve? HOLY CRAP IT’S A TAMINA SIGHTING!
Oh. Right. Naomi’s an Uso now, and Tamina is also an Anoa’i.

Snuka was part of the Anoa'i family?

I think it's more Snuka family and Anoa'i family are close friends as well as Tamina was trained by the Wild Samoans and given a scholarship in the name of Lia Maivia

I was pretty sure they were related in some way and it has been mentioned on-screen. Maybe it's just a close friends thing or a "blood brothers" thing like Peter Maivia and that Anoa'i patriarch whose name escapes me at the moment.

[Chris Everlast]

From Wikipedia;

"Reiher is a member of the famous Anoa'i family by marriage. Her relatives include Roman Reigns, Dwayne Johnson, Rikishi, The Usos, The Wild Samoans, and Yokozuna, among others. She divorced her husband, with whom she has two daughters, in 2003."

[Big Red Machine]

From Wikipedia;

"Reiher is a member of the famous Anoa'i family by marriage. Her relatives include Roman Reigns, Dwayne Johnson, Rikishi, The Usos, The Wild Samoans, and Yokozuna, among others. She divorced her husband, with whom she has two daughters, in 2003."

Ah. So she's only a kayfabe Anoa'i now?