BRM Reviews the 5/5/2014 Raw (awesome)

[Big Red Machine]

20 MAN BATTLE ROYALE FOR THE US TITLE: Dean Ambrose(c) (w/Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns) vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Goldust vs. Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Mark Henry vs. Titus O’Neil vs. R-Truth vs. Xavier Woods vs. Fandango vs. Heath Slater vs. Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella vs. Michael McGillicutty vs. Damien Sandow vs. Zack Ryder vs. Ryback vs. Big Show vs. Sin Cara- 6.75/10
Dolph Ziggler was eliminated by comedy jobber Santino Marella. At this time last year, Dolph was the World Heavyweight Champion. I don’t know when Dolph’s contract is up, l but I will be absolutely shocked if he stays with WWE.
Ambrose makes it to the final two. Ryback and Axel looked great working as a team. Cody accidentally eliminated Goldust. Sheamus wins, which I really don’t like. It doesn’t help him at all. Why not give the belt to someone who it will actually help?

TRIPLE H PROMO- he says that the Shield’s luck is changing for the worse… then he books SHIELD VS. WYATTS, ROUND 3!

SHEAMUS PROMO- okay

STEPH TALKS TO THE BRYANS- she tells them that the only way she can guarantee their safety is if they stay in this room all night and do not move. Apparently Kane’s mask appeared on the back of the door. Or maybe it was there the whole time and I (and Brie) just didn’t notice it. Either way, it was cheesy.

ROB VAN DAM vs. CESARO (w/Paul Heyman)- 6.5/10
Good stuff. The finish was disappointing (Cesaro got DQed for punching RVD for too long in the corner while Rob was tied in the tree of woe), but it looks like it will lead to a good angle, as Rob was selling his eye, which was apparently injured last night.

TOTAL DIVAS COMMERCIAL- this one is about the time that Summer Rae and Eva Marie decided to team up and be a tag team for a while. Anyone remember when that happened? No? Me neither.

BRAY WYATT PROMO-
Bray brags that “last night, John Cena’s fear was personified by that of a signing child.” Horrible diction aside (what this sentence, as Bray phrased it, actually means, is that Cena’s fear was personified by the singing child’s fear, which makes no sense), I will speak in Cena’s defense here: the child sounded possessed.
Aside from this, Bray was great.

CODY RHODES (w/Goldust) vs. RYBACK (w/Curtis Axel)- 5/10
GRRRR! This match does not need to be happening tonight! Things have already progressed (for Cody and Goldust, anyway). Save this match for Main Event or Smackdown, so you can advance the story on that show, too!

CORNY CRAP WITH DRAGON, BRIE, AND A LIGHT-UP KANE MASK- BORING!
The lights go out! Oh my! How scary!
Steph offers to have their car brought around.

LOS MATADORES & 3MB SEGMENT- SO MUCH FUN!
Los Matadores & Torito try to have a Cinqo de Mayo party. 3MB interrupt them. I was hating this until Jinder scolded Los Matadores for speaking in Spanish by yelling “this is Amer-ica. Speak English” in perfectly broken English. I was rolling. 3MB want to have a truce, and Drew threatens to spoil Los Matadores party if they do not accept 3MB’s “offer of peace.” The Matadores and Torito huddle up to discuss the situation, then decide to accept the offer, with Torito offering Hornswoggle some Cinqo de Mayo candy. Hornswoggle, being an amazing douchebag, takes a piece, spits it out, knocks the rest of the candy out of Torito’s hand, then sucker punches him. The non-midgets fought with each other while Torito and Hornswoggle had a brawl, during which JBL decided to do play-by-play, informing us that “the bull has mounted Hornswoggle.” If this feud continues forever, I will be completely satisfied with this.

LANA PROMO- okay

KOFI KINGSTON vs. ALEXANDER RUSEV (w/Lana)- no rating. Great segment.
About as great as “even” as you can get while still being a squash. Great job by Rusev with his under-selling, and great selling by Kofi, too.

DRAGON & BRIE TRY TO LEAVE THE ARENA- eh.
They are about to go, but Steph changes her mind and tells Dragon that he has to compete in his match tonight… and if he doesn’t, she’ll consider it a breach of contract and strip the title from him. Apparently Dragon’ match is right now. Laughed at Steph scaring them… but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to.

ALBERTO DEL RIO vs. DANIEL BRYAN (w/Brie Bella)- 7.75/10
Far be it for me to complain about a great match between two awesome workers that got an appropriate amount of time and had a clean finish... but…
I can’t help but feel that there was a missed opportunity here. Have something happen where Dragon has to get himself counted out to go save Brie. Then you get to have Del Rio brag about beating Dragon, and you use that to set up a title match where you have your clean finish with Dragon going over. It gives Dragon another title defense and having a long, awesome title match with the champ will hopefully elevate Del Rio’s stock a bit.
Anyway, Dragon wins and they celebrate in the ring… and Brie stands there, clapping, and she looks like an idiot because everyone else in the building is doing the YES hands. Kane’s pyro goes off, so Dragon and Brie run out to their car… but it won’t start! So Dragon goes to check the engine: apparently someone unplugged a wire. Dragon re-plugs it, and slams the hood… and Kane is bow sitting in the backseat behind Brie… and rather than the reaction I was supposed to have, which I assume was shock and terror… I burst out laughing. Kane is scary enough on his own! You don’t need to evoke his magical powers of teleportation, especially in a situation where it looks like a scene from a bad slasher flick.
So Brie is too stupid to open the door, so she tries to engage in a sh*tty catfight with Kane while screaming for Daniel in a voice so high pitched I was surprised the glass in the windows and windshield didn’t shatter.
Long story short, they have a lame brawl which results in Kane being on top of the car and reaching in through the sunroof to choke Dragon. Dragon zooms off, and Kane falls off of the car… then Dragon stops the car and gets out. WHY THE F*CK WOULD HE DO THAT?! JUST DRIVE AWAY, YOU IDIOT! IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO MURDER YOU, YOU DON’T NEED TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE OKAY!
Anyway, Kane is lying in the middle of the road in a position that is basically physically impossible to be in from the way that he fell… all so Kane could it up and almost get at the back of the car again. THIS SUCKED!

WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: Bad News Barrett(c) vs. Big E.- 6.5/10
I don’t know why they dropped his last name, but it was completely stupid. Barrett did a Cactus Elbow Drop, and still managed to sound like a heel while shouting “BANG! BANG!” The match itself was a better version of their match from last night’s PPV.

SPECIAL MOTHERS’ DAY MESSAGE- FANTASTIC! I hope they do this every year.

ZEB’S DEPORTATION LIST- “Emma, why don’t you hop on a kangaroo, go back down under and stay there?!”
Somehow, Los Matadores, Kofi Kingston, Rosa Mendes, Lana, Del Rio, and Rusev were all left off of the list.
Anyway, Zeb got interrupted… by the Adam Rose party train. Rose offers Zeb a handshake with the hand he is holding his lollypop in… and Zeb’s first words are “don’t even touch me.” Rose wound up getting the best of Swagger, then he and his people id a party train around a highly confused and lsightly afraid Zeb Coulter. This was fantastic!
MAJOR props are due to JBL for being able to completely hold character while saying things that made Lawler and (especially) Cole totally lose it and crack up.

THE SHIELD vs. THE WYATT FAMILY- 7.75/10
I know it seems blasphemous, but Ambrose does the rebound lariat a lot better than Nigel ever did. Great match so far… then Evolution shows up to ensure that everyone is protected, and now I have to go erase that paragraph I wrote about how strange it was that Orton and Batista weren’t on the show. The fact that Reigns got pinned was very surprising. Evolution beat the Shield down afterwards. The new Evolution shirts are terrible.

No Cena, no tonight, with the only mention of him a (aside from Bray’s promo) being a quick comment that Cena will address things on Main Event tomorrow night. No Usos, either. You’d think that with Cena, Dave, Hunter, and Orton barely on the show, that they’d be able to find some time for the tag champs.

An awesome episode of Raw.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Lawler “they’re Bray-washed!”
It wasn’t funny the first time, so it is even less funny every time you insist that people say it… and even if it was funny, THIS SUBJECT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE!

[NWK2000]

As I said in your Extreme Rules review, I love the horror aspect of pro-wrestling, so my opinion may be slightly biased. That said, I think Daniel Bryan getting out of the car to tentativlely check on Kane was him being the ultimate babyface. He also held a position that made it look as though, if Kane sat up, Bryan was primed to kick him back down.

Also, as far as Dolph being eliminated in the Battle Royal, I think they're going to play off that. In a Backstage Fallout segment, the interviewer told Santino that they were booing him, and his response was "No, they're saying "youuu" like "You sunamagun" which sounds suspiciously like a Bo Dallas quip. So I think this may lead to something.

[Big Red Machine]

As I said in your Extreme Rules review, I love the horror aspect of pro-wrestling, so my opinion may be slightly biased. That said, I think Daniel Bryan getting out of the car to tentativlely check on Kane was him being the ultimate babyface. He also held a position that made it look as though, if Kane sat up, Bryan was primed to kick him back down.

I'm fine with horror, and I think that Bray and Cena has succeeded at that (the Children on last week's how being a perfect example), but this wasn't horror so much as it was transplanting the plot of a really bad horror film into WWE.

[cero2k]

20 MAN BATTLE ROYALE FOR THE US TITLE Sheamus wins, which I really don’t like. It doesn't help him at all. Why not give the belt to someone who it will actually help?

being the US champion days before the UK tour and soon to become heel. yeah, i can see how this could work

i personally disliked the show a lot, the bryan/kane shit really brought it down, that was some moronic writing, way below russo stuff and to cap it off, brie acts like shit and bryan is suddenly scared of the guy he just kicked around the day before. didn't like the rose stuff either.

[Big Red Machine]

20 MAN BATTLE ROYALE FOR THE US TITLE Sheamus wins, which I really don’t like. It doesn't help him at all. Why not give the belt to someone who it will actually help?

being the US champion days before the UK tour and soon to become heel. yeah, i can see how this could work

But then how will be a heel when he comes back to the US?

[cero2k]

20 MAN BATTLE ROYALE FOR THE US TITLE Sheamus wins, which I really don’t like. It doesn't help him at all. Why not give the belt to someone who it will actually help?

being the US champion days before the UK tour and soon to become heel. yeah, i can see how this could work

But then how will be a heel when he comes back to the US?

i don't know, they're the writes, not me. Zeb Colter maybe?

[Big Red Machine]

being the US champion days before the UK tour and soon to become heel. yeah, i can see how this could work

But then how will be a heel when he comes back to the US?

i don't know, they're the writes, not me. Zeb Colter maybe?

If it were me, I'd wait until after the European tour to do the turn, and have him be an anti-American heel.

[cero2k]

If it were me, I'd wait until after the European tour to do the turn, and have him be an anti-American heel.

that was supposed to be the original idea, maybe he won't necessarily turn over there, but start doing something leading to it.

[Earth Child]

ALBERTO DEL RIO vs. DANIEL BRYAN (w/Brie Bella)- 7.75/10
Far be it for me to complain about a great match between two awesome workers that got an appropriate amount of time and had a clean finish... but…
I can’t help but feel that there was a missed opportunity here. Have something happen where Dragon has to get himself counted out to go save Brie. Then you get to have Del Rio brag about beating Dragon, and you use that to set up a title match where you have your clean finish with Dragon going over. It gives Dragon another title defense and having a long, awesome title match with the champ will hopefully elevate Del Rio’s stock a bit.
Anyway, Dragon wins and they celebrate in the ring… and Brie stands there, clapping, and she looks like an idiot because everyone else in the building is doing the YES hands. Kane’s pyro goes off, so Dragon and Brie run out to their car… but it won’t start! So Dragon goes to check the engine: apparently someone unplugged a wire. Dragon re-plugs it, and slams the hood… and Kane is bow sitting in the backseat behind Brie… and rather than the reaction I was supposed to have, which I assume was shock and terror… I burst out laughing. Kane is scary enough on his own! You don’t need to evoke his magical powers of teleportation, especially in a situation where it looks like a scene from a bad slasher flick.
So Brie is too stupid to open the door, so she tries to engage in a sh*tty catfight with Kane while screaming for Daniel in a voice so high pitched I was surprised the glass in the windows and windshield didn’t shatter.
Long story short, they have a lame brawl which results in Kane being on top of the car and reaching in through the sunroof to choke Dragon. Dragon zooms off, and Kane falls off of the car… then Dragon stops the car and gets out. WHY THE F*CK WOULD HE DO THAT?! JUST DRIVE AWAY, YOU IDIOT! IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO MURDER YOU, YOU DON’T NEED TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE OKAY!
Anyway, Kane is lying in the middle of the road in a position that is basically physically impossible to be in from the way that he fell… all so Kane could it up and almost get at the back of the car again. THIS SUCKED!

Doesn't all of this sound like Kane/Zack Ryder/Eve? Maybe Kane is jealous of couples and just want some lovin' himself.


Also, you could think of the whole checking-on-Kane-after-being-runover thing as Daniel Bryan checking on the guy who used to be his tag team partner, and still thinks there is a chance with him.

[Big Red Machine]

ALBERTO DEL RIO vs. DANIEL BRYAN (w/Brie Bella)- 7.75/10
Far be it for me to complain about a great match between two awesome workers that got an appropriate amount of time and had a clean finish... but…
I can’t help but feel that there was a missed opportunity here. Have something happen where Dragon has to get himself counted out to go save Brie. Then you get to have Del Rio brag about beating Dragon, and you use that to set up a title match where you have your clean finish with Dragon going over. It gives Dragon another title defense and having a long, awesome title match with the champ will hopefully elevate Del Rio’s stock a bit.
Anyway, Dragon wins and they celebrate in the ring… and Brie stands there, clapping, and she looks like an idiot because everyone else in the building is doing the YES hands. Kane’s pyro goes off, so Dragon and Brie run out to their car… but it won’t start! So Dragon goes to check the engine: apparently someone unplugged a wire. Dragon re-plugs it, and slams the hood… and Kane is bow sitting in the backseat behind Brie… and rather than the reaction I was supposed to have, which I assume was shock and terror… I burst out laughing. Kane is scary enough on his own! You don’t need to evoke his magical powers of teleportation, especially in a situation where it looks like a scene from a bad slasher flick.
So Brie is too stupid to open the door, so she tries to engage in a sh*tty catfight with Kane while screaming for Daniel in a voice so high pitched I was surprised the glass in the windows and windshield didn’t shatter.
Long story short, they have a lame brawl which results in Kane being on top of the car and reaching in through the sunroof to choke Dragon. Dragon zooms off, and Kane falls off of the car… then Dragon stops the car and gets out. WHY THE F*CK WOULD HE DO THAT?! JUST DRIVE AWAY, YOU IDIOT! IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO MURDER YOU, YOU DON’T NEED TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE OKAY!
Anyway, Kane is lying in the middle of the road in a position that is basically physically impossible to be in from the way that he fell… all so Kane could it up and almost get at the back of the car again. THIS SUCKED!

Doesn't all of this sound like Kane/Zack Ryder/Eve?

Mick Foley actually said the same exact thing, and warned everyone to think about how well that worked out for Ryder.

Also, you could think of the whole checking-on-Kane-after-being-runover thing as Daniel Bryan checking on the guy who used to be his tag team partner, and still thinks there is a chance with him.

You could, but I think that Kane is too far gone to the side of evil for that. After the brutal attack a few weeks ago and then trying to attack Brie and with Kane being.... well... Kane: the man who set JR on fire and murderized Zack Ryder and has done so many other terrible things... that I don't think that even Dragon is enough of a babyface that he would do that. I don't think that anyone has ever been. MAYBE Hogan at one point, but that's about it.