BRM Reviews ECW Hardcore Heaven (terrible)

[Big Red Machine]

ECW Hardcore Heaven (8/13/1994)- Philadelphia, PA

ROCKIN’ REBEL vs. HACK MYERS- 2/10
A short match. Rebel was cocky and didn’t pin Myers when he had the chance, which eventually came back to bite him.

TOMMY CAIRO vs. CHAD AUSTIN- 0.5/10
Cairo pretty much squashed Chad Austin until Austin rolled hip up and pinned him, using the ropes for extra leverage.

NO DISQUALIFICATIONS MATCH FOR THE ECW TV TITLE: Mikey Whipwreck(c) vs. Jason- 5.75/10
The build-up to this match had been that Mikey had been retaining the title by DQ against Jason’s guys (more out of sheer luck than conscious cheating on his part- it was usually his opponent who got disqualified), so now they are having this big showdown where Mikey is defending the title against Jason himself in a match with No DQ’s. It started off as your standard Mikey Whipwreck match, where he got his ass kicked from pillar to post, but got in a few roll-ups for nearfalls. Then Mikey started to fight back, with the fans behind him as they always were.
You would think that between how over Mikey has gotten and this being the big blow-off to Mikey’s feud with Jason in a match in which you couldn’t win by DQ, this match MUST have been designed to let Mikey get that first real pinfall on this big show, and create an important moment for Mikey and the fans. Mikey even finally got to nail someone with a chair. When he want to give Jason a second chair-shot, he accidentally hit the ref instead. He managed to hit Jason on his next swing, but when he went to make a cover, the ref was out.
The ref slowly revived and slowly crawled over, then started to slowly count the pin, all of which made for GREAT drama. It would have made for a great nearfall if Jason kicked out, and would have made for a fantastic finish if he didn’t.
The ref’s arm hit the match the third time. Jason didn’t kick out. The problem is that this was apparently not the finish. Mikey seemed to think it was, as did Joey Styles on commentary, ad all of the fans in the arena… but the bell didn’t ring, and the ref just collapsed. Then the Pit Bulls showed up, attacked Mikey and draped Jason over Mikey’s body. The ref once again slowly revived and slowly counted the pin. Mikey didn’t kick out. I think Joey Styles summed up everyone’s feelings perfectly when he simply said “I’m confused.”
The ring announcer even went over to the ref to ask him what the deal was. A second ref then showed up and declared Jason to be the winner and new ECW Television Champion. An ATROCIOUS finish.

The Pit Bulls picked Jason up and paraded him around on their shoulders until they were jumped from behind by Jimmy Snuka and Taz (who were supposed to be the babyfaces), so we then got…
JIMMY SNUKA & THE TAZMANIAC vs. THE PIT BULLS- DUD!
At first I wasn’t sure if this was supposed to be a match or not, because despite all four wrestlers and a fresh referee being in the ring, Joey Styles pointed out that the bell had not yet rung. Less than thirty seconds later, Taz hit Pit Bull #1 with a Half-Nelson Suplex while Snuka hit Pit Bull #2 with the Superfly Splash and the ref counted both pins simultaneously. Some big scary heels these Pit Bulls must be if they keep getting beaten so quickly. I don’t know if their last two matches (which would be their only two since the team re-formed in June) have gone a combined total of more than two minutes.

911 (w/Paul E. Dangerously) vs. MR. HUGHES (w/Shane Douglas & Angel)- 0.5/10
Angel is wearing a neckbrace, selling the chokeslam she took from 911 at Heat Wave.
Very, very short. They had a stare-down, did some punches, then Mr. Hughes hit a chokeslam, 911 kicked out, then chokeslammed Hughes for the win. The only two things that save this from being a dud are the always-awesome big-man stare-down, and the fact that I LOVE chokeslams.
After the match, Douglas punches Heyman. 911 goes after him, but Douglas pulls Angel in the way. Angel slaps 911, revealing that she is just working the neck injury, so 911 gives her another chokeslam. Paul E. said some something about Shane Douglas on the mic, then 911 gave Angel another chokeslam, which prompted Joey to ask for someone to get a squeegee.

SINGAPORE CANE MATCH: Tommy Dreamer vs. The Sandman (w/Woman)- DUD!
This might be one of the first ridiculously long Sandman entrances. Joey Styles at one point said “Okay, I’ve seen enough of the Sandman and Woman.” He also implied that Sandman might have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.
The reason for the long entrance was because Dreamer, the babyface, was hiding under the ring, and jumped Sandman from behind like a coward. He and Woman then did a cool swordfight spot with the canes in which Dreamer disarmed her and sent her cane flying. Then Dreamer, the babyface, forces a kiss on Woman. Woman justifiably attacked Dreamer for this. Dreamer now wanted to hit her with the cane but the ref stopped him, so Dreamer caned the ref.
The ring announcer then informed us that “the referee has disqualified the Sandman.” Reading this, you are probably having the same reaction I did, which was also the same reaction Joey Styles had: “WHAT?” The ref then tapped the ring announcer on the shoulder and informed him of his mistake, which he corrected. Dreamer, who had been attacking the Sandman with the cane, then caned the ring announcer.

I guess this was supposed to be a double turn, which it did come off as, but the seriousness of things was totally killed by Woman reviving the Sandman by sticking a cigarette in his mouth. At least the Reviving Elbow Drop made a strange sort of kayfabe sense. This was just dumb.

BASEBRAWL MATCH FOR THE ECW TAG TEAM TITLES: The Public Enemy(c) vs. Bad Breed-1.25/10
The Rules for this match were as follows: 1) Falls Count Anywhere and 2) if someone on a team couldn’t answer a ten count, the other team would then be allowed to use baseball bats as weapons. Anytime that a stipulation is confusing enough that you need the ring announcer to clarify that “the match is not over” at any point during the match, it is a bad idea.

So they started off with some high-flying (even a dive from one of the Rottens) and then started to use chairs on the outside. If you can just use chairs right away, what is the point of even trying to knock the other guys down for a ten count so you can use the baseball bats? Why not just hit them with chairs and pin them for three seconds, which is MUCH less time than a ten count takes?
As if to prove my point, Bad Breed got the right to use the bats, and beat Public Enemy up with them… but the Public Enemy took the bats from them and were just allowed to use them anyway, so what was the point? It just made Bad Breed look like idiots for not getting the pin and winning the titles when they had the chance.
The only real highlight of the match was Rocco Rock doing a dive off of a scaffolding, but even that didn’t really lead to anything or matter in any way. The finish to this Falls Count Anywhere, Baseball Bats Are Legal match was The Public Enemy hitting their usual finishing move with no help form the baseball bats, right in the middle of the ring. A bad match with dumb stipulations that didn’t even play into the match much (I think there might have been a grand total ONE pinfall attempted outside of the ring, and the ref didn’t even get over in time to count for it, while the baseball bat stip could have been eliminated and their use replaced with any old weapon, and the match would have been the same). The match was really just some high-flying moves followed by brawling that never reached any level higher than just okay.

2 COLD SCORPIO vs. SABU (w/Paul E. Dangerously & 911)- 8.25/10
They told a great little story here where Scorpio was trying to outwrestle Sabu in the beginning, but Sabu kept trying to sucker him into brawls, which Scorpio fell for a few times, but quickly realized his mistakes and went back to his original strategy until Sabu kind of forced the issue by keeping things on the outside and using weapons. At that point it seemed like Scorpio decided to give up his original strategy and try to beat Sabu with Sabu’s own hardcore and high-flying style. We got a bunch of flippy moves, dives, and weapon shots as Scorpio worked over Sabu’s neck a bit and Sabu worked over Scorpio’s head. This was very early into Scorpio’s run in ECW (I think it was his first Arena Show), and it really helped get him over with the fans. An awesome match, and by far the only good this on this show so far.

TERRY FUNK vs. CACTUS JACK- no rating. Okay segment, but a bad idea.
Before the match, Foley cut a promo noting that they had teamed together before (in Florida and Japan), but had never faced off in a singles match. They also had a lot of mutual respect. All of this would be an important point later.
They stared off the match by brawling for a few minutes, but then The Public Enemy came out to assault their bitter rival Terry Funk. They beat Funk down, then tried to give Cactus the win, but Cactus didn’t want to win this way, so TPE beat Cactus up and threw him on top of Funk. The ref refused to count (even though this was apparently a No DQ’s match because he didn’t call for a DQ after TPE attacked Funk), so they beat him up as well, threw Cactus back on top of Funk, and counted their own pin. They tried to raise Cactus’ arms, but he didn’t like that, so they beat him up and left.
Funk and Foley then dismantle a table to use its pieces as weapons, and went after Public Enemy. They tossed them back through the curtain and into the ringside area. They beat them up with weapons and rolled them into the ring, where Funk, once again, instigated a chair riot like a f*cking idiot. Poor TPE had to lie there in the ring as chairs came raining down on them, and they couldn’t really defend themselves because they were selling. Funk himself at one point just did a duck and cover. Bob Artiz grabbed the mic and repeatedly yelled at the fans to stop throwing chairs.
As a segment, this was good. It turned Funk and Foley into a team again and set up a tag title match for the next show (In an interesting historical note, Funk missed his flight and did not make it to the next show, which, as fate would have it, was probably a very good thing for ECW. This resulted in him being replaced by Mikey Whipwreck, which began Mikey’s rise up the card as more than a guy who got his ass kicked all the time and only won by DQ, and it also meant that Funk wasn’t in the building for the famous double-cross when Shane Douglas threw down the NWA World Heavyweight Title, which upset Funk enough that he did not work ECW again for six months, and he probably would have been even more angry if he was in the building while it happened). What it also did, though, was screw the fans out of an advertised main event that everyone wanted to see (you could hear some fans chanting “bullsh*t,” and I think that is the reason Funk started the chair riot- because he knew that would result in them chanting “ECW!”).

A terrible show from ECW. Of the nine advertised matches, there were only TWO that were more than a 2/10 (including two duds, and two very-near duds, one of which was saved from being a dud almost singlehandedly by my own personal love of chokeslams), and one segment that screwed the fans out of a heavily anticipated main event. Even the two non-sh*t matches weren’t all good, as the booking in the TV Title match was baffling. Sabu vs. Scorpio was an awesome match, but nowhere near enough to save this show. Try to find that match on a compilation if you can, but don’t ever watch anything else from this show.