Warning: The following review may feature anger induced armchair booking and tangents
Going into the Pay Per View, my thoughtsWe all know what Bash at the Beach 2000 is famous for, that being the Vince Russo shoot (or is it a worked shoot, either way Vince Russo accomplished his his goal of being unpredictable if people are still debating it today). However, I'm not much a fan of dogging events based off of one solitary event. This may have been the most redeemable screwup of the Russo Era, as we did get Jarrett/Booker out of it. The WWE Network hilariously tells us that "Chaos ensues during Hulk Hogan's title match. The card looks reasonably promising, with Stiener vs Awesome being one of the marquee matchups, what could go wrong?
Aaaand as I say this Commissioner Earnest Miller is attacked by ninjas in the opening segment after banning someone from rinside . I'm not kidding. In a bit of comedy, Earnest hears the background music that's supposed to cue in the ninjas, and asks his assistant, "Did you leave the radio on or something?" He then fights off the ninjas, and then we get the intro package.
In a way, I get segments like these, wrestling is on some level, absurd, much like comic book superheroes, so I can't blame all involved here for going the action movie route with this segment. The only qualm I have, aside from it opening the pay per view, is that the ninjas (who Tony Schavone is kind enough to identify as the Jung Dragons, even though none of them looked like Jamie Noble) through some of the worst worked punches I've ever seen. Anyway, let's actually get this sumbitch on the road.
We get some of the most pathetic pyro I've ever seen in my life. Like, I think my dad bought better fireworks from the firework shops when I was growing up. Out come the Filthy Animals, who consist of Konnan, Juvy, Disco Inferno (who's now a gangster) and Rey Mysterio, who is carrying Tigris on his back. Konnan cuts a promo that sounds like he knows how to be a gangsta. Disco Infero (who's the least qualified person to have the mic of the people mentioned), unleashes such wisdom as "JWooky wook jigga wut" and "Word to your mother." Now, I'm all for a good old fashioned "white boy trying to be gangsta" gimmick but I feel genuinely embarrassed for Disco here.
Mark Madden asks "If you steal something, after a while it just becomes your property right?" referring to how Juvy stole the title from Lt. Loco, speaking of which, we get....
Juvy vs Lt. Loco for the Crusierweight Title-A quick Google search reveals that Lt.Loco is actually Chavo Guerrero. This fills my heart with sadness, as these two would've probably put on a 7 star match ungimmicked in 1996.
-Apparently during the opening segment, Miller banned everyone from ringside. Couldn't the referee have just thrown everyone out?
-During a sequence in which everyone in the Filty Animals wishes Juvy goodbye (again, not joking) Mark Madden suggests that everyone take their tops off, because it's Pay Per View? Uhhhhh.....
-Mark Madden admonishes Tony for saying "wrestling" and corrects him with "sports entertainment". Tony then calls the match in the ring the "Sports entertainment opening bout." I want everyone who's bashed WWE in the last six months to let that roll over in their minds. Also I'd like to apologize to Big Red Machine for the stroke that probably caused him.
-Lots of stalling, because the Crusierweight Division is known for, stalling.
- Juvy takes time away from a 10 punch in the corner spot to hump air.
- Mark Madden says that "Lots of suppressed things are going on tonight" after Chavo spanks Juvy in ring. This may be the one correct thing he says all night.
-After some average, super Americanized Crusierweight action, three people in masks who are clearly the Filthy Animals come down to ringside. Everyone has figured this out for, except for....you guessed it, Mark Madden.
-The referees have this figured out too, as he rips the mask off Rey.Even presented with clear evidence that the people under the masks are the Animals, Madden freaks out and calls Rey an "imposter"
-Juvy hits The Peoples elbow, wow
- The MIA come down in masks, Major Gunns shows up and flashes juvy her bra, and Loco takes advantage, despite having two refs distracted by MIA.
-Scott insinuates that we could be here for the next hour. Literally 10 seconds later, we get a Tornado DDT and a pin, as if to piss on the people who enjoy the 1 hour matches of Flair/Steamboat.
We get a backstage segment with Earnest and the Jung Dragons. He says that their deal is over, and the Jung Dragons pretend not to understand English. Jarrett comes in and starts bitching about where Hogan is. Jarrett also appears to be accompanied by an opera singer. Earnest says that Hogan is not here.
We're told of how Big Vito, the WCW hardcore champion, attacked Terry Funk on Thunder, and by "attacked" I mean "hit Terry with the belt as softly as he could, causing Terry to fall gingerly on his ass, and then beat him with a stick) so now, Terry can't compete for the Hardcore Title. So, Vito cuts a promo that is barely legible, asking him to bring his opponents out. So we get....
Big Vito vs Norman Smiley w/Ralphus for the Hardcore Title--Big Vito gets on the mic and makes the match a handicapped match (if Ralphus wins the title I swear....)
-Surprisingly not as bad as I expected, Vito throws Norman in an elevator and beats the crap out of Ralphus
Kevin Nash cuts a promo about how he's going to beat Goldberg again and win back Scott Hall's contract (?)
Gene Oakerlund tells us that it's going to be....
Daphne vs Miss Hancock in a Wedding Gown matchWe get a video package, which IMMEDIATELY kills the legtimacy of the story with the following exchange.
Mark: Can you believe it? They're fighting over this fruitcake David Flair!
Tony: No I cannot
So Daphne and Flair broke up, but got back together, and then Flair cheated on her with Miss Hancock
This isn't the best part of the video package though. Little paragraphs appear explaining what's happening in the package. The only real reason I can think of is that Daphne kayfabe put this together, because it calls Hancock a "flusy"
At the end of the video package, there's a "You are cordially invited to the wedding gown match" graphic.
Okay, now the match- There's a wedding cake at ringside, so when Hancock comes out (with a tux wearing David Flair) Hudson insinuates that they might get married after the match. Mark Madden says, "Yeah well, we all know what happens when a wedding happens in a ring, but let's get the match underway first."
Wait, hold up.... Did Madden just....? DID HE JUST UP AND TELL PEOPLE THERE WAS GOING TO BE A SWERVE
-David and the ref both get pantsed and low blowed
-Crowbar interfered to attack David and take his pants off.
-Daffney wins because Stacy disropes on her own and Hancock gets a face full of cake
-EVERYONE GETS A FACE FULL OF CAKE
Minus 5 million/10 that was terrible
Another Earnest Ninja segment,
The commentators drabble on about Hogan and Nash while the ring crew cleans up the cake.
The Perfect Event vs KroniK for the WCW Tag Team Titles-Lots of 4:20 signs
-Lots of slow, laughable spots, but not a bad match
The second segment in the commisioners office is essentially the same as the first, except Earnest gets attacked by the ninjas
Positively Kanyon vs Booker T-Kanyon has a dumb gimmick
- Was a great match until Jarrett interferes and hits Booker with the guitar.
Mike Awesome, in fat chick thriller mode, sats he's going to beat up Scott Stiener
Mike Awesome vs Scott StienerNothing too attrocious to report here so far
-The Cat comes out, prevents Stiener from using the recliner
- The Cat goes to karate kick Steiner but misses and gets belly to bellied
-Stiener goes for the Recliner, and Cat strips him of the title,
Stiener tries to fight the Cat, but the Cat runs away, leaving him to beat up Awesome
Anti-climatic finish and overbooking in what should have been a good match
The Demon w/ Asia vs Vampiro in a graveyard match, similar to a Boiler Room Brawl-Demon looks for Vampiro, who jumps out of a tree
-The Demon gets knocked into a grave, and Vampiro steals his wife, Asia
- So it turns into a foot race.
-Vampiro pulls Demon into a creek and beats him
-The referee has to fish Demon out of the water.
-This is the second time Vampiro has lured Demon into a trap using Asia, and gets thrown into a grave in a casket, Mark Madden asks the essential question "Why would anyone fight Vampiro in a graveyard" Aaand we cut away abruptly to a Shane Douglas promo,
Shane Douglas says Buff Bagwell is great, but not as great as him.
A contest airs saying you can be Goldberg's manager by mailing your bill showing that you ordered this piece of crap to them. Actually this is a contest I probably would've entered
Shane Douglas vs Shane DouglasTorrie interferies mid match, slaps Shane Douglas, making out with Buff, and then kicking Buff in the nads.
Hulk Hogan is in the building, dressed to wrestle, despite not being here all night
Jeff Jarrett calls Oakerlund a "Jurassic Slap Ass, implies interference from Hogan's interference
-The reason why Jeff was accompanied by a fat opera singer is to set up a "Fat lady sings pun"
-They were still paying Micheal Buffer in 2000? Christ
-Jeff Jarrett's music plays for over a minute, during which Schavone calls Hulk Hogan by his REAL NAME. And who should show up but Vince Russo, followed by Jarrett
Madden says "Deviating from the script." Schavone said, "Swerve" and "that this is shades of real life" I can't deal with it.
Vampiro comes back in the arena, goes in the ring, no one is announced as a winner, Vampiro says Demon is dead, and he's made his promise to eliminate Sting and Demon, Druids dressed as Sting bring a casket to ringside, some flashing lights happen, and Sting beats Vampiro and stuff him into a casket.
-Goldberg says he's going to beat up Kevin Nash and end Scott Hall's career in a promo.
SCHAVONE CALLS IT A SHOOT. ON CAMERA ARRRRRRRRRGH
Goldberg vs. Kevin Nash, for Scott Hall's contractGoldberg ATE Scott Hall's contract, christ.
Goldberg actually makes a good point, that they came in as anti WCW and Goldberg is the one who gets booed
Pitifully short, with an unnecessary swerve on Kevin Nash by Scott Stiener.
Booker T vs. Jeff Jarrett-Did Micheal Buffer get paid twice tonight?
-Complete average match
Final thoughtsOkay,let's just get this out of the way. WCW spent the peeing on kayfabe and setting it on fire. Using insider terms like it's no big deal, shitty finishes, swerves etc. But what made it worse is that it wasn't even an all around shitty show. There were some average matches, and even some matches that were simply made worse than they should've been by crap finishes. But there was also enough on the pay per view that was so abyssmally shitty (and like Mayhem 1999, most of it involved David Flair) it ruined it for me having to sit through it for the benefit of you all. And then they have the gall to say "This si WCW, this is atheletism." and not some insider fanwank. I feel so bad for everyone involved who was just doing their job. If you ever wonder "Gosh, how did the WCW ever go out of business, especially when they put on cards like Hog Wild '96?" this is how. It's almost like they brought out the insider stuff in order to provide a post humous biography of its own demise.