NWK Reviews WCW Uncensored 1996

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NWK2000
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NWK Reviews WCW Uncensored 1996

Post by NWK2000 » Mar 11th, '19, 17:59

Intro


As I've been doing nothing but reviewing amazing, earth-shattering wrestling for the past month, I decided to go down low for this and review one of the most maligned pay per views of our time, Uncensored 1996 (and it helps that the theme for this show is one of the themes for the J-Crown show).. Let's just get this over with

Opening video package: The only people who seem to grasp the psychedelic evil vibe the package is going for are Sullivan and Hart. Everyone else seems to be cutting generic promos to creepy ambient music


WCW United States Championship
Konnan (c) vs Eddie Guerrero


Submissions and wacky lucha abound. They occasionally pause to hot dog for the crowd. The women and children love Eddie, and the men love Konnan. Tony and Bobby are openly hostile, and Dusty is the only one trying to call holds and sell the story. Eddie dives to Konnan outside and lands on his knees, head back looking like a rock star which was super cool. Lots of cool nearfalls and false finishes. More moves, and Konnan accidentally headbutts Eddie in the groin during a leapfrog, which gives Konnan the pin. This leaves the announcers to speculate whether this was on accident or not. This was a meh match with a pretty creative finish.

5.5/10

Col. Robert Parker promo: Funny. He's fighting his ex Medusa on behalf of men everywhere
Lord Steven Regal vs The Belfast Bruiser

Pro: This is hard hitting stiff action
Con: 90 percent of this match is rest holds
Pro: There's blood, adding to the hard hitting nature of the match
Con: There's blood on a WCW show, so the camera gets pulled way back
And the biggest con of all: This "Special Grudge Match" on Uncensored, WCW's equivalent to a modern show like Extreme Rules, ends in a DISQUALIFICATION when the Blue Bloods interfere. Post match, Finlay runs after The Blue Bloods but catches up to them so they just kinda walk through the curtain together.

3/10
Jimmy Hart and The Giant promo w/ Mean Gene: Jimmy Hart is going to prove that everyone who does him wrong gets their ass kicked when Giant takes on Loch Ness. . Giant does a rhyme and then cuts a generic, shouty promo. We are informed that Giant vs Giant Haystacks is a #1 Contendership Match for Flair's World Title, and they will face him on Nitro tomorrow night. This was generic 80s wrestling here.

Colonel Robert Parker w/ Dirty Dick Slater vs Madusa

Madusa kicks Robert's ass, until Slater interrupts the bridge on Madusa's German Suplex and Rob swabs onto her and wins. Because fuck you for rooting for the empowered woman right?

DUD
Loch Ness promo with Mean Gene: Bad. He cockneys his way through telling us that he's pissed at Jimmy Hart for taking him out of the Doomsday Cage and that he'll beat up The Giant.

"I Quit Wrestling" Match. If DDP wins he'll get his money and Kimberly back
DDP vs The Booty Man

They stall and then do arm locks. Shoulder Block, more stalling. Stuff happens and The Booty Girl comes out. DDP gains momentum, and Booty attempts a comeback, only to get cut off again. Rest holds forever. A lot of what Booty Girl wants is communicated to the camera in 50s camp. Booty wins
1.5/10

Post match: Booty makes out with Booty Girl disgustingly. DDP gets taken away by security.


Lex Luger and Jimmy Hart promo w/ Mean Gene : Great. Jimmy Hart makes a big deal out of how this (The Doomsday Cage, he replaced Loch Ness with Luger, also taking Luger out of the Chicago Street Fight ) will be the last time he manages Lex. He gives Lex a custom jacket and runs off. Lex fumbles his way through the promo, but Jimmy carried this entire segment.

#1 Contendership Match
Loch Ness vs The Giant w/ Jimmy Hart

Giant squashes Nessy in two minutes because the Ness is too old and fat to go any longer. Sad really.

DUD

Sting and Booker T promo: Awesome, Booker is Sting's replacement partner in exchange for the Harlem Heat getting a tag title shot later. Sting, the whitest man on the planet, attempts to talk jive with Booker T.
Road Warriors promo: I know there's one in here but I'm skipping around for this one. Generic Road Warriors promo, you get the idea that they're well passed it and rehashing an old bit.
Sting and Booker T vs The Road Warriors


This goes for, thirty minutes and is basically a Disney version of a hardcore brawl, with all sorts of wacky weapons. The only redeeming thing about this thirty minute match was the Lex Luger interference, and why it happened (Animal bumped into Lex while he was applying baby oil) it "ruined his sheen" and so Luger jumps in to help. This allows Stinger T to pick up the win.

2/10

Doomsday Cage: The Mega Powers vs The Alliance to Eliminate Hulkamania


Let me just get this out of the way right now. No rating. Perfect segment.

"But NWK," you whine, "This is one of the worst matches of all time!"
You'd be right....if it were a wrestling match. This is the sendoff to a bad action cartoon, like the animated Mighty Ducks. And before you say "This isn't a cartoon, this is wrestling!" let's try to remember that the Dungeon of Doom are evil cartoon archetypes with a fucking layer and henchmen. This is basically Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles going into the Foot Clan layer to fight ninjas, Bebop, Rocksteady, and Shredder And in that regard it's hilarious. Navigating and defeating the obstacles of the evil layer, being thwarted by, and overcoming two big heavies. Using frying pans and powder to defeat the bad guys and coming out on top. The reason why I call this a perfect segment is because it's a cartoonish end to an equally cartoonish feud.

Outside of the vaccum however, we have to realize this happened on a wrestling card, so it deserves all the ridicule that gets lopped onto it, even if it is the most thematically appropriate endgame I can think to this feud.


Conclusion


This is a contender for the worst show of all time. Only one match is passable, the rest are either duds or close to it because of bad booking or poor ring work. And as much praise as I heaped on the Doomsday Cage, this is one of the worst matches of all time. Do not watch this show.
Last edited by NWK2000 on Mar 13th, '19, 22:01, edited 1 time in total.


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Big Red Machine
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Re: NWK Reviews WCW Uncensored 1996

Post by Big Red Machine » Mar 11th, '19, 18:10

NWK2000 wrote:
Mar 11th, '19, 17:59
Intro



You'd be right....if it were a wrestling match. This is the sendoff to a bad action cartoon, like the animated Mighty Ducks.
F*ck you! That cartoon was AWESOME!
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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NWK2000
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Re: NWK Reviews WCW Uncensored 1996

Post by NWK2000 » Mar 11th, '19, 18:41

Big Red Machine wrote:
Mar 11th, '19, 18:10
NWK2000 wrote:
Mar 11th, '19, 17:59
Intro



You'd be right....if it were a wrestling match. This is the sendoff to a bad action cartoon, like the animated Mighty Ducks.
F*ck you! That cartoon was AWESOME!
Oh trust me, I had all the action figures too. But it ripped off TMNT soooo hard.
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Big Red Machine
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Re: NWK Reviews WCW Uncensored 1996

Post by Big Red Machine » Mar 11th, '19, 20:19

NWK2000 wrote:
Mar 11th, '19, 18:41
Big Red Machine wrote:
Mar 11th, '19, 18:10
NWK2000 wrote:
Mar 11th, '19, 17:59
Intro



You'd be right....if it were a wrestling match. This is the sendoff to a bad action cartoon, like the animated Mighty Ducks.
F*ck you! That cartoon was AWESOME!
Oh trust me, I had all the action figures too. But it ripped off TMNT soooo hard.
No more than any other cartoon that had that same general format.

And I wish I had the action figures, but I spent all of my money on Beast Wars toys. I just had the book of the episode where Duke and Tonya wind up in an alternate dimension or something like that.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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Earth Child
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Re: NWK Reviews WCW Uncensored 1996

Post by Earth Child » Mar 11th, '19, 21:51

Or just watch the OSW review episode of this. That was at least entertaining

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Re: NWK Reviews WCW Uncensored 1996

Post by Bob-O » Mar 12th, '19, 08:27

NWK2000 wrote:
Mar 11th, '19, 17:59
basically a Disney version of a hardcore brawl, with all sorts of wacky weapons.
96 was a weird year... especially pre-nwo.

Nobody was making money, Vince was taping Raw in gymnasiums, and when things like the DOD and all of Vince's crazy characters are what you've come to it's hard to wonder why...

This was also when ECW was starting to take off. In a world of stolen ideas, WWF and ECW KNEW their ticket out of the slump had something to do with what those misfits were doing in Philly, and matches like that happened while they tried to figure it out. Vince, instead, just booked ECW to appear on his program.

I'm not going to say it's "downplayed", but I really don't think people fully understand how big ECW's role was in the boom period that led to The Monday Night Wars and wrestling as we know it today.
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Re: NWK Reviews WCW Uncensored 1996

Post by NWK2000 » Mar 12th, '19, 10:29

Earth Child wrote:
Mar 11th, '19, 21:51
Or just watch the OSW review episode of this. That was at least entertaining
I did, and referenced it for this. It was helpful for some of the longer matches.
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