As I've been doing nothing but reviewing amazing, earth-shattering wrestling for the past month, I decided to go down low for this and review one of the most maligned pay per views of our time, Uncensored 1996 (and it helps that the theme for this show is one of the themes for the J-Crown show).. Let's just get this over with
Opening video package: The only people who seem to grasp the psychedelic evil vibe the package is going for are Sullivan and Hart. Everyone else seems to be cutting generic promos to creepy ambient music
Konnan (c) vs Eddie Guerrero
Submissions and wacky lucha abound. They occasionally pause to hot dog for the crowd. The women and children love Eddie, and the men love Konnan. Tony and Bobby are openly hostile, and Dusty is the only one trying to call holds and sell the story. Eddie dives to Konnan outside and lands on his knees, head back looking like a rock star which was super cool. Lots of cool nearfalls and false finishes. More moves, and Konnan accidentally headbutts Eddie in the groin during a leapfrog, which gives Konnan the pin. This leaves the announcers to speculate whether this was on accident or not. This was a meh match with a pretty creative finish.
Col. Robert Parker promo: Funny. He's fighting his ex Medusa on behalf of men everywhere
Pro: This is hard hitting stiff action
Con: 90 percent of this match is rest holds
Pro: There's blood, adding to the hard hitting nature of the match
Con: There's blood on a WCW show, so the camera gets pulled way back
And the biggest con of all: This "Special Grudge Match" on Uncensored, WCW's equivalent to a modern show like Extreme Rules, ends in a DISQUALIFICATION when the Blue Bloods interfere. Post match, Finlay runs after The Blue Bloods but catches up to them so they just kinda walk through the curtain together.
Jimmy Hart and The Giant promo w/ Mean Gene: Jimmy Hart is going to prove that everyone who does him wrong gets their ass kicked when Giant takes on Loch Ness. . Giant does a rhyme and then cuts a generic, shouty promo. We are informed that Giant vs Giant Haystacks is a #1 Contendership Match for Flair's World Title, and they will face him on Nitro tomorrow night. This was generic 80s wrestling here.
Madusa kicks Robert's ass, until Slater interrupts the bridge on Madusa's German Suplex and Rob swabs onto her and wins. Because fuck you for rooting for the empowered woman right?
Loch Ness promo with Mean Gene: Bad. He cockneys his way through telling us that he's pissed at Jimmy Hart for taking him out of the Doomsday Cage and that he'll beat up The Giant.
DDP vs The Booty Man
They stall and then do arm locks. Shoulder Block, more stalling. Stuff happens and The Booty Girl comes out. DDP gains momentum, and Booty attempts a comeback, only to get cut off again. Rest holds forever. A lot of what Booty Girl wants is communicated to the camera in 50s camp. Booty wins
Post match: Booty makes out with Booty Girl disgustingly. DDP gets taken away by security.
Lex Luger and Jimmy Hart promo w/ Mean Gene : Great. Jimmy Hart makes a big deal out of how this (The Doomsday Cage, he replaced Loch Ness with Luger, also taking Luger out of the Chicago Street Fight ) will be the last time he manages Lex. He gives Lex a custom jacket and runs off. Lex fumbles his way through the promo, but Jimmy carried this entire segment.
Loch Ness vs The Giant w/ Jimmy Hart
Giant squashes Nessy in two minutes because the Ness is too old and fat to go any longer. Sad really.
Sting and Booker T promo: Awesome, Booker is Sting's replacement partner in exchange for the Harlem Heat getting a tag title shot later. Sting, the whitest man on the planet, attempts to talk jive with Booker T.
Road Warriors promo: I know there's one in here but I'm skipping around for this one. Generic Road Warriors promo, you get the idea that they're well passed it and rehashing an old bit.
This goes for, thirty minutes and is basically a Disney version of a hardcore brawl, with all sorts of wacky weapons. The only redeeming thing about this thirty minute match was the Lex Luger interference, and why it happened (Animal bumped into Lex while he was applying baby oil) it "ruined his sheen" and so Luger jumps in to help. This allows Stinger T to pick up the win.
Let me just get this out of the way right now. No rating. Perfect segment.
"But NWK," you whine, "This is one of the worst matches of all time!"
You'd be right....if it were a wrestling match. This is the sendoff to a bad action cartoon, like the animated Mighty Ducks. And before you say "This isn't a cartoon, this is wrestling!" let's try to remember that the Dungeon of Doom are evil cartoon archetypes with a fucking layer and henchmen. This is basically Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles going into the Foot Clan layer to fight ninjas, Bebop, Rocksteady, and Shredder And in that regard it's hilarious. Navigating and defeating the obstacles of the evil layer, being thwarted by, and overcoming two big heavies. Using frying pans and powder to defeat the bad guys and coming out on top. The reason why I call this a perfect segment is because it's a cartoonish end to an equally cartoonish feud.
Outside of the vaccum however, we have to realize this happened on a wrestling card, so it deserves all the ridicule that gets lopped onto it, even if it is the most thematically appropriate endgame I can think to this feud.
This is a contender for the worst show of all time. Only one match is passable, the rest are either duds or close to it because of bad booking or poor ring work. And as much praise as I heaped on the Doomsday Cage, this is one of the worst matches of all time. Do not watch this show.