Opening video: It finally occurred to someone at RF Video to put the Code of Honor in a text crawl at the beginning. They finally have enough video footage to use more than that night's highlights. That being said, we couldn't resist getting a shout of Abdullah stabbing someone with a fork. Grrrr...
Da Hit Squad, Divine Storm and Trinity segment: Excuse me? They make pleasantries, and offer to go warm up, to which Trinity strips down to a sexy nightie and they leave. This raises questions I don't want to know the answers to, "Is Chris Divine a cuck?" and "Are Divine Storm Eskimo brothers?" chief among them.
Special K shows up in the same room: They kick around the other guys' bags and party. I was waiting for the moment that someone would come back in realizing they'd forgotten something and kick Special K's asses but it was not to be.
Michael Shane promo: The more I have to make prolonged eye contact with Michael Shane the more I wish human beings would stop procreating. He gets over his sinister love for the Code and cuts a meh promo on Jeremy Lopez. He also monologues about his year and explains Bio-Harzard being written out.
Hit Squad/Quiet Storm interrupt the rave: The faces yell at the heels. Completely ineffective
Jeremy Lopez vs Michael Shane
Lopez is headed for Osaka Pro for six months after this so I suspect there won't be much to report. Shane breaks a full nelson by going to the top rope so Lopez just drops him which allows Shane to do the "baffled heel fish swab" spot. I dug this. Lopez gets one move of offense after lots of nothing, Lopez get a big elbow after being on defense. A lot of nothing results until Lopez hits some of his combo moves, Shane hits the Sweet Shane Music for a 2 1/2. Lopez blocks the elbow but Shane hits it anyway.
This was basically nothing with the guy in the promotion longterm going over.
5.25/10
Colt Cabana vs CM Punk
Everything these guys do is crazy fluid. Punk works quasi-heel, the guy who already has the reputation vs the guy fighting to make his, working Cabana's arm.Cabana fights back and does an Asai. Punk fights back, and we get a tornado snap suplex by Cabana. More fluid greatness by these two. Cabana has all the momentum and Punk hits a spike huricanrana. Punk actually blocks an elbow after a strong style strike exchange. Punk blocks two Colt 45 but get hits by a third for the three.
I really liked this match, and the right guy won, while Punk looks good defeat.
8.25/10
Post match: Great. The Code is followed. Gary Michael Capetta says the promoters have booked a rematch for Final Battle for a contract. Colt sounds lovably heelish in accepting.
#1 Contender's Trophy Tournament Semi Final
EZ Money vs Paul London
EZ Money vs Paul London
The lads have a fun indy match with moves with occassional pauses to work the back. London wins with a DDT out of nowhere and wins.
This was an indyrific match
5.5/10
#1 Contender's Trophy Tournament Semi Final
Chad Collyer vs "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson
Chad Collyer vs "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson
Crazy technical stalemate to start. Chad finally gets the advantage through technical superiority and Dragon is at a loss because Chad is a beefy fucker. Collyer gets punches in and an underhook suplex. Dragon tweeks his knee and so Collyer works the knee. We reset for some reason, and Collyer not working the knee gets Dragon the momentum. Dragon is good at selling, Chad goes back to the leg. It takes Dragon two enzuguris for Chad to relinquish his leg. Dragon fights back and has to sell the knee when he uses it in a strike. The knee also effects Dragon's bridging ability on a German. Collyer hangs onto the leg to get a Cloverleaf off of a pop up powerbomb. Dragon fights through, and hits a Dragon Suplex out of nowhere to win.
This was a technical war, but a few frivilous spots towards the end keep it from a 10.
9.75/10
Four Way Tag Scramble Match: Winner becomes number one contender to the tag titles
The SAT (Joel Maximo & Jose Maximo) vs Da Hit Squad (Mafia & Monsta Mack) vs Jay Briscoe and The Amazing Red vsSpecial K (Deranged & Joey Matthews)
The SAT (Joel Maximo & Jose Maximo) vs Da Hit Squad (Mafia & Monsta Mack) vs Jay Briscoe and The Amazing Red vsSpecial K (Deranged & Joey Matthews)
The announcers spend a lot of time making sure we despise Special K, but they haven't really moved beyond the night's random tag match. Also Da Hit Squad's star appears to be falling too I think. They took too long to explain that this is a #1 Contenders match.
The lads do spots. We get a spot where Mafia demands Deranged shake his hand which is weird considering what we saw earlier. Joel and Mafia get in and it slows to a crawl. Red tags in so it's Red and Joel. Trinity interferes to stop some interference, and Special K beats the shit out of her and dragged to the back. More stuff happens, we get the obligatory Superplex big dive spot. About seven missed dive spots right in a row. That isn't the finish. Mack apes Kobashi and no sells because that's all he knows. Spear while Deranged is up in the Jay Driller looks like the worst move to take. One of the three guys is actually shoot hurt. Red does an F5 because why not? SIX Piledrivers in a row and two other moves is not the finish. Triple Powerbomb because Lesnar pissed somebody off this week. SAT wins with the Taffy Machine.
This was a slog of a spot match. CM Punk once said in order to be a good wrestler you have to be cognizant of where you're at on the card to leave something for people after you. These guys didn't do that and it suffered for it.
1.5/10
Post match: The big black guy kills a ref. I hope this angle moves forward soon.
ROH High Impact footage: Paul E Normous killed Mace, Dragon beat the piss out of Marcos. London beat Angeldust with a strange Package Powerbomb. Da Hit Squad murdered the Outcast Killahs, and AJ Styles beat Jimmy Rave. Jimmy and some other guy beat up Styles but London and Dragon made the save. This looked like a very watchable show
Shockwave and Jeff Starr vs Divine Storm
This goes less than five minutes, and Chris doesn't wrestle like a guy who's lady just got her ass kicked
No rating, Bad Squash
CW Anderson incident: CW kills Star and Shockwave. This is treated like a shoot. He shits on Gabe and the fans. CW's mic gets cut and he's restrained by some of the bigger dudes. Gabe shrieks at CW as he's lead away. .
# 1 Contender's Trophy Tournament Finall
Paul London vs "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson
Paul London vs "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson
The story so far is that Paul is the speedier one but Danielson is more technical, as well as "can London hang with Dragon after All Star Extravaganza?" London collapses as Daniel is throwing a chop which is a cool move. Dragon really takes to London. London fights back with quickness, but Dragon hits a cross armed German. The roaring elbow does nothing for anyone on this show. They both go over the top rope on a backdrop which shocks the crowd. London takes control again and we're at a stalemate. Dragon reaggrivates his knee on a Super Backdrop, and London breaks the ropes on a Cattle Mutilation. Both guys are fighting like bats out of hell for a turnbuckle spot. OH SHIT. LONDON HITS THE SHOOTING STAR PRESS AND WINS
This was AWESOME, both guys looked really good, like they were fighting a war. Dragon vs Colllyer ruled, but this had more fire to it.
10/10
Post match: Excellent. London and Dragon put each other over and it rings very tender and real.
Ring of Honor World Championship
AJ Styles (w/Alexis Laree) vs Xavier (w/Simply Luscious)
AJ Styles (w/Alexis Laree) vs Xavier (w/Simply Luscious)
Alexis is with AJ to counter Luscious.
We get an IMMEDIATE Styles Clash after Xavier slaps him and he lays in with clubs. Lucious puts Xavier's feet on the ropes for two. I didn't like this. The Styles Clash isn't a super fluid move so it's not believable as something you could hit right away. What I did like however, was that this provided Alexis an immediate reason to neutralize Luscious, and have her be carted to the back by Mark Briscoe. As Mark can't legally participate in PA, and the other members of the Prophecy are away, Xavier is all alone. So in the end, the opening few minutes of this match ended up making sense even if it was wacky. For some reason however, this warrants a complete reset, so we move on as if the Styles Clash spot never happened which I don't like.
In hyping for Final Battle, it makes it clear how much the introduction of the Number One Contender's Trophy has streamlined title challenges, and I love it.
We get some very fluid exchanges, and then we get AJ blocking a Dudley Dog with a gnarly backdrop. AJ has the momentum for a while but Xavier gets it back cleanly. AJ tries to fire back by Xavier fights back. They do some innovative, realistic outside the ring spots. Swings in momentum and strong style strikes aplenty. I hate that Xavier got hit immediately with the Styles Clash but somehow can block it well into a match. AJ does the logical thing in a dumb pin exchange spot and goes for another pin. and another. Hooray, we get a neutral standoff on the dumb "pin, bridge, backslide" spot. Now we get some semblence of psychology, as Xavier works AJ's back. AJ fires back with moves, and Xavier works the knee. TOP ROPE STYLES CLASH plays back into the knee. Xavier gets his foot on the ropes after this, you what? I've never seen a simple Jacknife pin lead to the finish a match with a knee injury angle in it but it works nice.
This might be the most underwhelming title match I've seen in ROH so far. I feel like Xavier is on par with guys like Jay Briscoe, which is a tier below guys like AJ and Dragon, so when Briscoe and Xavier put together a match, it looks good, and when Dragon and AJ put together a match, it's GREAT. But,, when a guy as summarily talented as AJ has to slow down, and we have to go overboard to sell Xavier as a wormy heel, we get a slowed down match handcuffed by storyline, which means means an above-average match. But on the brightside, Xavier looks appropriately scummy going into Final Battle against cult hero Paul London, and it looks like Joe vs Kobashi compared to what we get next
7.25/10
Bunkhouse Rules
The Carnage Crew (Loc and Devito) vs Homicide and Abdullah the Butcher
The Carnage Crew (Loc and Devito) vs Homicide and Abdullah the Butcher
Abdullah chucks a real trashcan at the camera and the poor guy almost drops the camera. Abdullah's pants are literally almost up to his saggy man tits.
I don't think Abby is mobile enough to get in the ring, as one of the Carnage Crew has to come to him outside after jumping 'Cide. Abby must have arthritis or something because he can barely throw a punch. Hearing Loc scream like that is bonechilling. Loc gets forked in the mouth and I almost vomited The crowd went silent for this. I don't think they were ready for a snuff film this lewd More gratuitous violence. I don't know when or where the heels started bleeding. Homicide picks up the pin because Abby is too decrepit to do anything
Now, I know I've made my disdain for deathmatches known in the past. I also hope my current review record says that I'm a fair judge of them despite this. I'm also far from a moral puritan. I believe anyone who purchased this videotape did so with the ability to make their own decisions and realize what they were in for. But this was disgusting. Ring of Honor should be ashamed of themselves for allowing this to be circulated for money. I feel like when you call something a "dud" you are implying that everyone went in there with some intention or another and it just failed on every level. But this wasn't even a bad result of good intentions. This was to play into schlubs who actually like this shit, and Ring of Honor paid Butcher money knowing full well what they would get. I put this up there with those backyard feds you always see where people get lit on fire, or the Danbury Fall , as something that was transparently dangerous and terrible and they got what they got, dangerous violence and the sycophants who like it. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my first 0 out of 10
0/10
Post match: Cide attempts to murder Loc with a noose, and Cide is actually on probation. What in the fuck? The locker room empties to break it up. Increasingly fatter schlubs appear for them to fight off like it's Final Fight. Abby carves a guy up who seems happy about it.
Homicide promo: GREAT, closer to what we would come to expect from Homicide in later years
Carnage Crew promo: I'm glad they feel the same way about Abby that I do...but they're remarkably glib for two people who just got stabbed.
Colt and Punk in the car: GREAT Cabana is a lovable asshole, Punk actually looks homicidal driving this guy around. Punk just leaves the car. They are going above and beyond to sell their match for Final Battle
Prophecy promo: It's weirdly racist, and all over the place. Daniels is a dick to the straight woman Luscious, in which he seems to be trying to poorly channel Will Ferrell's character in Zoolander
Conclusion
Despite some very weak parts of the card, I wouldn't even say this is the weakest ROH show I've watched. Besides Abby's carwreck, even the weaker matches on the card seemed contributed something to Final Battle build, which contributes to it being the most concentrated build to a show so far. . What's more, there were some true sleeper hits on this show (Punk vs Cabana, Dragon vs Collyer, Dragon vs London) so that's a good thing.