BRM Reviews the 2/4/2017 ROH (frustrating)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 2/4/2017 ROH (frustrating)

Post by Big Red Machine » Feb 15th, '17, 20:06

Kevin Kelly and Colt Cabana are on commentary.

WAR MACHINE vs. BJ WHITMER & PUNISHMENT MARTINEZ- 4/10
On commentary, Colt Cabana, the heel, was the one who was advocating that the rules of the match be adhered to. When Cabana said he didn’t like that BJ Whitmer was about to use a table, Kevin Kelly snidely told him “why don’t you go do something about it?” So not only is the heel the one who wants the rules to be followed, but the babyface is encouraging interference. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE RING OF HONOR!

They went to a double count-out. The fans all booed. They brawled afterwards. I really don’t understand why I’m supposed to care about this feud. It has been thrown together so haphazardly and yet it is being booked like it is this super-heated thing, but I don’t see any heat.


THE KINGDOM vs. JOHN SKYLER, COREY, HOLLIS, & SOMEONE ELSE- DUD!
This was basically a squash where they put two of the jobbers down for good in the first minute or so but then the third one just kept kicking out of sh*t and got to make a hot tag and jobbers who weren’t even important enough to get their names announced to the TV audience then got some offense in. Then they got cut off, and then, when his team was back firmly in control, Marseglia just started biting one of the jobbers for no reason. Then The Kingdom won. There was no reason for any of this to happen.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- TERRIBLE!
Taven says The Kingdom will never lose the ROH Six-Man Tag Team Titles. Then Dalton Castle and the Boys come out. Then the Boys start shoving Castle and punch him in the stomach. Then Dalton tells Taven “next time they’re gonna do that to you.”
That was SOOOOOO F*CKING STUPID! It is completely beyond me how anyone could possibly think this was good or cool or funny or anything of that nature. And yet here we are and this sh*t is getting cheered. Dalton Castle is the wrestling version of the people who ruined the internet with their f*cking cat videos and their obsession with making everything a meme and doing whatever they can to “go viral” with stupid crap like the Harlem Shake or similar such goofy bullsh*t that has no purpose other than to be stupid, goofy bullsh*t and that crap has now become part of popular culture. He just does stupid, pointless, senseless sh*t, and these f*cking idiots cheer because Dalton did it and it’s quirky and apparently quirky is all you need to be now in order to get cheered because we’ve reached this level of minimum f*cking competence where instead of people actually cheering for things that are good because they want to see good wrestling, they now cheer for dumb quirky sh*t because they just want to “be entertained”
Taven offers to give them a title match right now. Dalton and the Boys head to the ring but Colt Cabana gets up from the commentary desk and shoves the Boys. This one shove has the Boys selling like they just got hit with a chair. Meanwhile, Kevin Kelly is shouting “how dare you do that, Colt Cabana! You’re a commentator on this show!” This would be the same Kevin Kelly who was encouraging this same Colt Cabana to interfere in the opening match. I am also apparently supposed to take it at as some sort of tragedy and that Dalton and his two jobber servants are not going to be getting this title shot that they didn’t even do anything to earn. Remember when title shots used to be earned? Yeah. Me, too. Why can’t we go back to that?

We got a quick series of t-shirt commercials for Jay Lethal, Dalton Castle, and The Briscoes. It only now occurred to me that the commercials for t-shirts for these top stars combined are still shorter than the commercials for t-shirts for Cheeseburger or the Women of Honor.

CODY RHODES VIDEO- I found this infuriating. Thankfully it didn’t last too long, but I would MUCH rather just see some footage from Japan of Cody being announced as the newest member of Bullet Club than get this sort of annoying little Lucha Underground wanna-be video.

Cabana has come back to do commentary but Kevin Kelly is insisting that he isn’t allowed to because of the zero tolerance policy. Colt gave in, but only after calling Kevin Kelly a “bitch,” which made me pop because he is. Once again, there was no f*cking mention whatsoever of any sort of “fines” for this, despite the fact that Kevin Kelly and Steve Corino used to bring it up at every single opportunity.

ROH WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The Young Bucks(c) vs. The Tempura Boyz- 5.75/10
After the match the Bucks seemed to show the Tempura Boyz respect but it was all a ruse so Adam Page could attack them.

MARTY SCURLL PROMO- fine

SIX MAN SCRAMBLE FOR AN ROH TV TITLE SHOT: Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley vs. Donovan Dijak vs. Johnathan Gresham vs. Lio Rush vs. Jay White- 6/10
Marty Scurll joined Kevin Kelly on commentary, which just made his promo (and, if we’re being honest, and thirty second recap of the set-up for this match before it) a waste of time. I bring this up because, at this point, this big, exciting main event barely got nine minutes of TV time.
A lot of stuff happened, but it wasn’t much more than “this is a multi-man match.” The Rebellion interfered for absolutely no reason. Kevin Kelly claimed they were trying to help Lio Rush because they want to recruit him, but that doesn’t make any sense because, at the previous set of tapings he turned them down so they beat him up. Dijak got the win. He and Rush were the two who looked by far the most impressive here. Unfortunately, they’re the two on their ways out the door. Kevin Kelly and Marty Scurll’s commentary was very annoying. Marty was way too over the top, and Kevin Kelly was his usual annoying self. Among other things, he decided that it was more important so scold Marty Scurll for opening an umbrella in doors (which is apparently bad luck) then to DO HIS JOB AND CALL THE F*CKING MATCH.

Apparently War Machine, Whitmer, and Martinez are STILL fighting backstage and no one has broken them up yet.

A very frustrating show from ROH.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Kevin Kelly claims that War Machine “dominated” in the G1 Tag League.
They went 4-3. That’s hardly “dominating.” I love how ROH expects its fans to think New Japan is really, really important, but then banks on them not actually making any effort to follow it so they can get away with lies like this.

2. Kevin Kelly- “Now Hollis gets run into the post by Taven. If referee Mike Posey had been paying more attention that might have been a disqualification.”
Since when has that ever been a DQ in ROH?

3. Kevin Kelly- “It’s Hangman Page! Where has he been for all these months?”
In the G1 Tag League, dumbass! The same place that you told us War Machine were! In fact, didn’t you even CALL ONE OF THE SHOWS ON THAT TOUR?!
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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