BRM Reviews the 9/24/2016 ROH (bad)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 9/24/2016 ROH (bad)

Post by Big Red Machine » Sep 29th, '16, 22:30

SILAS YOUNG vs. TORU YANO- DUD!
YANO of all people wants Silas to shake his hand… and once again, of all the people in the world, SILAS YOUNG accedes to this goofball’s request for a show of respect… and then Yano immediately turns it into a roll-up, which is, for some reason supposed to make us like him. There was a time when a handshake meant something in this company, and there was a time when people didn’t do completely out of character things for the sake of comedy.
Yano then engaged in chickensh*t heel stalling antics. He also purposely kicked the ropes up into Silas’ balls right in front of the referee, which was not a DQ for some reason. More stuff then happened, most of which made Silas look like an idiot. The fans chanted “THIS IS AWESOME” at this bullsh*t failure of a comedy match because they’re not actually wrestling fans, just fans of stupid bullsh*t who decided to show up to an ROH show because they heard Toru Yano and Dalton Castle and all of the other comedy dork losers would be there. F*CK this crowd. I hope there is a giant traffic jam in Vegas and it takes all of them at least eight hours to get home, and when they get home and decide to eat something, they all get food poisoning and throw up on themselves. I hope ROH never comes back to Vegas. The fact that this even made TV shows how far in the wrong direction this company has gone, and catering to losers like these who love Yano and Cheeseburger and the Young Bucks stupid comedy bullsh*t antics instead of actual wrestling fans is one of the things that is driving it so far off course. If you want to know who to thank for The Cabinet and Thunderkitty, it’s assholes like these.

Steve Corino randomly to Kevin Kelly that “I don’t think it’s right when you compare Tiger Hittori to Bronco Lubich.” Kevin Kelly denies having done so. Corino insists that he has, but Kevin denies it again. I have absolutely no idea what he is talking about or what the joke is supposed to be, and I doubt most other fans do either (unless the joke is just Corino randomly claiming ridiculous things, which isn’t funny). At least when JBL makes a stupid, pointless, reference to current sporting news, he tries to put over one of the wrestlers while doing it.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Silas attack Yano after the match even though he won, because Yano f*cking deserves it. The Briscoes make the save because they’re teaming with Yano in the tournament for the Ring of Honor Completely Pointless Six Man Tag Team Titles at the PPV.

CHRISTOPHER DANIELS CUTS THE PROMO OF THE YEAR- fantastic

CHEESEBURGER vs. “PUNISHMENT” DAMIEN MARTINEZ (w/BJ Whitmer & Kevin Sullivan)-
So Cheeseburger makes his entrance, then Martinez’s entrance starts, and I guess Kevin Kelly wasn’t expecting Kevin Sullivan to be there because he said “Oh my. And the Prince of Darkness is with them.” It was SOOOOOOO F*CKING LAME. Kevin Kelly needs to go immediately. He comes off like a relic from the 1980’s except without any sort of personality.
They’re pushing that Whitmer is Kevin Sullivan’s “spiritual son,” which, you might recall, is exactly what Corino used to call Matt Hardy when he was in ROH in 2013, so you can mark one more up for the “Delirious just repeats the same angles over and over and over again” column.
They are also trying to push Martinez as “the reincarnation” of The Purple Haze. THIS IS ROH! NOT CHIKARA! That bullsh*t doesn’t fly here. It gets even worse, as Sullivan sits down to do commentary and now Corino is addressing him as “father” and he asks Sullivan “why, after thirty-three years, the Haze did not come from the ocean, but from the darkness and you gave him to BJ Whitmer.” Sullivan is now occasionally calling Corino some name. I think he is saying “Mu-kart” or something like that. It absolutely infuriates me to see how far this company has strayed from what it is supposed to be. I can see Gabe Sapolsky watching this and just laughing his ass off because this is evidence that ROH will never be that cool, cutting-edge wrestling company ever again because of how out of touch Delirious is with wrestling fans. I have never heard one singular ROH fan say they have enjoyed this angle since Sullivan and all of the magical horse piss got involved.
Sullivan and Corino keep talking about sh*t and I have no idea what they are talking about. Corino says “when you impaled me with the golden spike I understood, but now I have no idea why.” This sucks SOOOOO much that it makes me want to go give Gabe money, and I haven’t seen the September EVOLVE shows yet, so I think I’ll go do that right now.
Do you remember when this feud was simple and it was just about the fact that Whitmer and Corino hated each other? Well in Delirious’ mind that was no good, so now we’ve got Corino apparently being jealous of Whitmer because Kevin Sullivan has given things to BJ instead of Corino. Of course, NONE OF THIS HAS EVER BEEN SEEN ON-SCREEN, so it’s virtually impossible for me to care.

The truly sad part is that Martinez’s entrance with his evil-looking or screaming face on the CaryTron while the room lights flash red would be really cool on its own, without all of this bullsh*t attached. This match, too, was a great squash (with Cheeseburger still looking like a fearless babyface), that was dragged down by the moronic bullsh*t going on all around it.
Whitmer and Martinez beat Cheeseburger up after the match. Will Ferrara tried to make the save but got beaten up.

ADAM COLE PROMO- fine.

MORE DUMB CORINO ANGLE BULLSH*T- Also, Steve Corino is now holding the “golden spike” that Sullivan used on him at Best in the World. He is staring off into the distance and fiddling with it. Kevin Kelly notices this and says “tell me that isn’t that golden spike that was driven into your head” in a tone that made him sound like an half angry, half disappointed father from an early 90’s sitcom who just walked in on his kids drinking underage. Corino then asks “does he want me to meet him in the desert?” At this point, I hope that everyone involved in this angle all do go decide to meet in the desert and they get lost in there and never come out so I never have to see any of this crap again.
Oh great! Now they’re going to show me stuff that Whitmer and Sullivan said to Corino during the commercial break. If they just f*cking show me this sh*t in order, at least I would have been less confused.
Whitmer says that Corino wasn’t given “The Punishment Martinez” (which makes it sound like something he shouldn’t want anyway) because he isn’t being evil. He says that Steve Corino is “just a figment of your imagination” and that Steve has to accept that he is really “the evil spirit Buzar Dakan” or something like that. So basically we’re back to the 2011-2012 “rehab from bring evil” angle, except instead of framing it in relatable human terms, there talking about evil spirits and trying to do early 1980’s Championship Wrestling from Florida here in ROH in 2016.

Kevin Kelly ran down the PPV card, and apparently there is a four-way tag team #1 contendership match pitting War Machine vs. Lee & Taylor vs. ANX vs. Colt Cabana & Dalton Castle. Cabana and Castle have teamed together in a regular tag team match just once in ROH: it was two weeks ago at Reloaded Tour 2016: Lockport)… AND THEY LOST (to the Briscoes). (They also were on the winning side of a six man tag with Lethal over Cole & the Young Bucks, but that’s a six man so it doesn’t count, and the Cole & Bucks unit shouldn’t have lost then anyway, as not only are they your top heels, but they are a team of the ROH World Champion and a team going into a tag title shot on the PPV, plus they were also going into a NEVER Six-Man Tag Team Title shot in Japan the next week).
This is SOOOO infuriating! If you wanted to make them seem like they could be viable contenders, then JUST HAVE THEM BEAT THE BRISCOES. But no. Instead of giving them a major upset win that could show that they could be a dominant force and would go at least some way towards justifying their presence here (and make the events of a house show feel important), ROH went the way that is COMPLETELY CONTRADICTORY TO WHERE THEY WERE GOING (plus it was predictable and sends the message that house show results don’t matter, so why should anyone go to them?). But that wasn’t the only tag team match the Briscoes won that weekend. On the Pittsburgh show they won a tag team Four Corner Survival which included both ANX and War Machine. So shouldn’t the f*cking Briscoes be the #1 contenders (especially after getting screwed out of the titles by the Young Bucks at Field of Honor 2016 and this just be a regular match?
And do you want to know why Cabana and Castle are really teaming together and in this match? Because they have absolutely no direction, but apparently have to be on the card for some reason. If you feel that everyone has to be on every PPV, then you need to CUT DOWN THE SIZE OF YOUR ROSTER.
Now let’s look at ANX. Their only tag team win since June was over WILL FERRARA AND CHEESEBURGER two months ago. Since then, they have lost to the Guerrillas of Destiny, to the Briscoes in the aforementioned four-way in Pittsburgh, and the weekend that this show is airing, they were booked to lose to War Machine in Duluth. SO WHY ARE THEY IN A #1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH?!
And as for War Machine: They (and reDRagon) were supposed to get a tag title shot on TV last month, but they got jumped backstage beforehand. In the tag title shot they had before that they were screwed by interference from Lee and Taylor, and in the one they had before that they won via DQ. Why do they need to earn another tag title shot? Shouldn’t they be due one at least from the fact that they were scheduled for one that never took place?
You know what this is? This is TNA-level bullsh*t. This is throwing a bunch of guys into a random match then randomly making it a title match or a title shot, no matter whether or not the guys involved are worthy of such an honor, completely pissing on the importance of wins and losses in the process. At this point my votes for “Worst Promotion of the Year” are almost certainly locked in, with ROH and TNA just fighting for who gets the bottom spot (my votes for “Promotion of the Year” are, too, although whether LU or EVOLVE will get the top spot remains to be seen [though it’s not impossible that WWE, NXT, PWG, or New Japan could make a run for it]).

(And while we’re at it, has anyone else noticed that absolutely no reason has been given for why Elgin is getting this title shot?)

BOBBY FISH PROMO- good

JAY LETHAL PROMO- great

ADAM COLE PROMO- AWESOME!

So they run down the PPV card… and Kyle O’Reilly doesn’t even have a match booked. For the second straight PPV.

MICHAEL ELGIN & HIROSHI TANAHASHI vs. BULLET CLUB (Adam Cole & Adam Page)- 7/10
The match was about the minimum acceptable for an ROH TV main event, but the real problem with it is that the match felt like it was a lot more about Cole vs. Tanahashi than Cole vs. Elgin.
After getting his big win against Jay Briscoe at the PPV, Adam Page is right back to being Bullet Club’s job boy. You’d think that because they are so insistent on protecting Jay they’d try to make beating him a real career-booster, but apparently not. Page going back to being the designated pin-eater when Bullet Club USA has to lose just devalues the concept of beating Jay Briscoe because it is made to not mean anything. (To contrast, having Castle and Cabana get that big upset win on the also over-protected Briscoes unit and using that to push them as an immediately credible threat to the tag titles would have been the exact opposite).

Another bad episode of ROH, ending yet another atrocious rush-job PPV build. For the good of the company, they need to go back to four PPVs a year, with the New Japan shows and maybe one or two others as pushed iPPVs. Just watch the Cole and Lethal promos.


STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Kevin Kelly- “That match up with Shibata, I think, has changed the trajectory fir Silas Young’s career.”
Based on what evidence? This is the first time we are seeing him since then! I don’t understand why Kevin Kelly constantly feels the needs to say random, nebulous bullsh*t like this, and especially in places like this one where he has absolutely nothing to base it on.


Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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