BRM Reviews the 8/16/2017 Lucha Underground (disappointing)

[Big Red Machine]

CATRINA TRIES TO GET THE GAUNTLET FROM CAGE- good
She outright tells him how dangerous it is and says that he should just give it to her but he doesn’t care. She threatens him, so he tries to kill her via backfist to the future but she teleports away.

JOEY RYAN RATS OUT VENENO TO DARIO- he tells Dario that Veneno is really Ricky Reyes. Knowing that Veneno always loses, Dario plans to have him exposed by booking him against Sexy Star in a Mask vs. Mask match next week.

CUETO CUP SEMIFINAL MATCH: Fenix vs. Prince Puma- 6.75/10
Prince Puma gets the win when he is able to take over the match after Fenix distracted himself saving Melissa Santos from Marty “The Moth” Martinez.

SEXY STAR IS AFRIAD OF PICKING UP HER WATER BOTTLE- this was weird because it feel like they cut away from this in the middle.

CATRINA & MIL MUERTES BACKSTAGE-
Mil Muertes punches a punching bag so hard it breaks off of its chain and slams into the wall, causing the whole Temple to shake. Catrina shows up and tells him to save some of his aggression for Pentagon Dark.
Then Cage showed up and jumped Mil Muertes from behind, finishing his attack off by dropping a big heavy weight on Mil’s back. I defy anyone to watch this without cringing in sympathy. Catrina uses her magical rock to revive Mil Muertes. Mil wants to hunt Cage down but Catrina instead orders him to use this anger against Pentagon Dark later tonight.

CUETO CUP SEMIFINAL MATCH: Pentagon Dark vs. Mil Muertes (w/Catrina)- 6.5/10
Mil Muertes is still injured from Cage’s attack, so it seems that Catrina’s rock isn’t powerful enough to heal him all the way. Pentagon Dark would work over this injury and eventually get the win.
Striker explains that the referee isn’t counting them out because “he wouldn’t dare incur the wrath of our owner” and is thus avoiding having the match end via count-out. I’m dead sure I remember Striker saying that Dario wanted the rules of this tournament enforced strictly. He also said that Catrina wearing her hair down reminds him of the movie Carrie. You know... because when I think of Carrie the first thing I think about is the protagonist’s bland hair style, rather thanher creepy-ass abusive mother or the mean kids who threw pig blood on her, or her going nuts and using her telekinetic powers to lock them all in the school and burn it down. What a f*cking idiot. Does it remind Striker of Carrie every single time he sees a woman with her hair down?
Want to know what this reminded me of? A fantasy I have on a weekly basis, which revolves around me tearing out Matt Striker’s vocal cords.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Pentagon Dark went to break Mil Muertes’ arm but Catrina did her best Paul Bearer impression, raising the stone into the air giving Mil Mutertes the strength to fight Pentagon Dark off.

REY MYSTERIO JR. & JOHNNY MUNDO FACE-TO-FACE-
Why are we having this face-to-face? Dario flat-out admitted that it’s “because I love it when my luchadores talk sh*t to each other!” Dario is so wonderful.
Mundo comes out with a bunch of security. He implies that Dominic isn’t really Rey’s son, as evidence by his size. We already knew this. He’s Eddie Guerrero’s son. Dario is laughing the whole time. Rey charges at Mundo. He constantly embarrasses Mundo’s security dorks, but is eventually cut off when the rest of the Worldwide Underground show up and Taya and P.J. crotch him on the ringpost.
They beat Rey down, including a cool three-person curb-stomp variation. Eventually The Mack, Sexy Star, and El Dragon Azteca Jr. come out to make the save. Prince Puma & Pentagon Dark also showed up for a cool four-way stare-down with Rey and Johnny. This predictably turned into a brawl. Mil Muertes showed up followed by Cage, as Matt Striker continuously shouted hackneyed cliché lines.
Marty The Moth also showed up, figuring he could nab Melissa in the chaos but Fenix came up behind him to cut him off before he even got close to her. Mariposa showed up to help Marty. This was all good, chaotic, action and I was really loving it because everyone had a logical reason to be there. Then it went off the rails as all of a sudden Joey Ryan was brawling with Vincenzo Massaro (the jobber who lost to Cage two months ago in the match featuring Striker’s infamously idiotic “Sacco and Vanzetti” comment). Now everyone is running in just because there is a fight happening. Well… everyone aside from the Rabbit Tribe, who sit around, watching and eating carrots, and Dante Fox, who is just watching from high above because I guess that’s his gimmick now. Killshot comes up behind Fox and jumps him so they start brawling. This ended with Rey hitting Mundo with a 619, but I don’t think this worked anywhere near as well as it would have if they had just limited it to run-ins that made sense. At least when Russo booked his “Riot in the Impact Zone” he created a reason for all of the factions to be involved. This is a classic example of a good idea taken way too far, to the point that it becomes bad.

And speaking of things that become bad because they’re been taken way too far, the last thing I had to hear on this show was Matt Striker saying “we are witnessing the unearthing of the Underground, and next week we deploy for war.”

A disappointing show from LU. I was expecting better matches from the semifinals and the ending was disappointing as well.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Matt Striker declares that Prince Puma is “DEFYING GRAVITY!”… as Prince Puma is plunging back down to Earth.
If anyone happens to see Matt Striker on the street please tell him that his big words don’t make up for having a small penis and that every time he tries to use his big words or fancy prose he just sounds like a total idiot because the things he says rarely make sense, and that no one will ever think he is a good announcer so he should just save everyone the aggravation and quit the wrestling business.